5 Years an Angel: Finding Joy in the Journey

I have OBVIOUSLY been neglecting this blog, much to my dismay!! There is SOOO many things I have wanted to sit down and write about (Dakota's killer Halloween costume Zach built, Navy is 18 months, how I randomly decided to become a permanent makeup artist, Zach's new Germavoid product we are working on, and life) mostly for my own memory. But life has been CRAZIER then ever lately and there has not been enough time in ANY day to be honest!! It is a good crazy though so I can't complain!!

It is 2:30 A.M. I'm MORE then tired. It has been a long but great Thanksgiving surrounded by our wonderful family we love BUT I couldn't lay my head on my pillow tonight without dedicating a post to sweet Dakota...because let's face it...this is really HIS blog, not mine!! Any that still read this read it because of HIM...because of the SWEET, SWEET spirit they feel through each picture and post that he is in. It ALWAYS amazes me at how even through a simple picture people can feel what I feel in his presence. It is AMAZING. So for him...I post!

5 years ago our lives were changed!! I thought for the worst. I relived that day yesterday as we had Dakota's quarterly check up at Primary Children's Hospital. They built a new outpatient wing, separate but connected to the hospital recently, so we rarely walk the same halls we once did. But this particular appointment they told me he could get a flu shot while we were there but we would have to walk over to the pharmacy connected to the hospital. No big deal!! But on this particular night as we approached his 5 year anniversary the next day...being in those same halls, eating the same cafeteria food, it was different. I allowed myself to relive those dark, difficult, and life changing days. I observed my surroundings and watched the people, staff and parents. My heart ached as I watched a dad walk in with his pillow and suitcase, the woman carrying in a large ziploc baggy full of breast milk. I ached that they would be spending their Thanksgiving here...in a hospital. I longed to stop them, hug them, and tell them to NEVER give up!! That the light WILL come and there will be GREAT blessings and happiness ahead. Your future REALLY is as bright as your faith as President Monson has said!!

I didn't as I'm sure they would have thought I was a crazy lady and called security on me!!

But my message tonight is just that!! I have learned A LOT of life changing things over these past 5-6 years from Zach's blindness to Dakota's accident to now. I am a COMPLETELY different Tessie Friedli then I once was. My life was changed, my perspective is different, and my focus is forever better...thanks to my dang trials that I wished had NEVER come as I was living through them.


I have been asked to speak at several different types of settings..woman, young woman, and youth over the past few years. Public speaking is NOT my favorite thing...AT ALL!! But I have never said no, (except once only because it was soon after Navy would be born) because I feel that if I can help just 1 person in my lifetime through their life and trials then ALL of the sleepless nights, tears, and heartache I have experienced is not in vain. Helping others is what gives purpose to the madness. EVERY time I speak my own testimony of EVERYTHING I have learned and gained through my challenges are strengthened and I am reminded over and over how important the lessons I have learned truly are!!

Each time I have been asked to speak the focus/topic has always been a little different although each time they want me to share my story...because let's face it...I AM my story!! It has defined who I am. Just a couple weeks ago I spoke to a group of Young Woman. They asked me to share about Finding Joy in the Journey. Tonight as I sit here on this 5 year anniversary I want to share what I shared with them because EACH and EVERY person on this entire planet will experience pain, heartache, and sadness. It is part of our earthly experience. I don't know what it will look like for each person...but I can promise it will come. But the great thing is...it is not our life experiences that define us...it is what we CHOOSE to do with them that determine who we are and how happy we can be!! No matter what has happened in your past, what you are facing now, or what your future holds...YOU get to decide whether your story has a happy ending...no one else can!!!


SO...in honor of Dakota...Here is what I shared in hopes that whoever may read this can learn to find JOY in their Journey because as I LOVE to say, "Life Doesn't Have to be Perfect to be Wonderful!"


At the end of this post I made a slideshow of OUR story to date. I am not a technologically advanced person so I won't tell you how many hours it took me to do this! LOL!! But it represents our story, our fight. I chose to do it to the Fight Song because I feel like life is a fight at times...sometimes we are winning and sometimes we are down. I LOVE this song and so does my whole family!! We blast it in our home or in the car and Zach and I sing like we are on stage, Dakota smiles, Navy dances and then as soon as it ends she says "GO!" (which means play it again.) So ENJOY and keep on fighting!!


JOY IN THE JOURNEY!

Tonight they asked me to talk about how I have found joy in MY journey!! I have been pondering this thought and I feel like our lives, our journey, is broken up in to a 3 sequence story!!

First sequence of our story involves our pre-earth life…when we were just cute little spirits flying around naked without a body to clothe us!! The second sequence to that story is the here and now…our Earth life. The last sequence of our story is our return home back into the presence of our loving Heavenly Father!!! It’s a book that we can’t even comprehend because we have NEVER experienced, read or seen anything like it!!

I don’t know for sure what it was like in the first sequence but I can imagine our Heavenly Father sitting down with us and preparing us for the 2^nd sequence. Telling us what might happen in each chapter. I’m sure he explained to us that it was going to be REALLY hard at times but that He would ALWAYS be with us to help us through. I can imagine Him taking the time to explain that this was THE MOST important sequence to be written because we would be the co-authors of this story. We would make choices that would determine how this book would end and what the last sequence would entail. I can only imagine how many time He probably told us to REMEMBER who we are!! Reminding us of who He created us to become and how important, valued, and special we were and telling us HOW BADLY he wanted us to return back to live with Him again!! The feeling we must have felt as we left His presence and came to earth I’m sure was pretty powerful!!

So here we are!! Each one of us at different points in our story. Have we ALREADY forgotten who we are, where we came from, and why we are here??? I hope not! I hope that you will NEVER forget that!!

You girls are still at the beginning of your stories… with SO much yet to be written. SO many choices and decision to make…and so many unexpected surprises along the way. I’m about 32 years into my story and I can tell you…It has been quite the duesy!! Trust me…you will want to read this!!! It is better then any scary movie or reality show you have EVER seen!! I’m thinking I should get my own show…keeping up with the Friedlis. I’m totally kidding…kind of!!!

But I started off chapter 18…leaving YW and out into the big wide world. I was ready for this new and exciting chapter in my book!! I had a whole rough draft already written in my head of EXACTLY the way that I thought it should and would go! I was going to meet my handsome returned missionary prince charming, get married in the temple, have 5 or 6 beautiful and amazing babies, live in a big beautiful white picket fence house, and be THE WORLDS BEST mom and wife EVERY day!! My happy ending looked good!!!!! Now don’t raise your hand…but how many of you have your rough draft all perfectly written like me, ready to send to the printer for a final draft?!

Well don’t hit print because guess what?! We don’t ALWAYS get to choose what happens in each chapter!!!! Your life will never go exactly the way you had planned. If it does…I want you to find me because I will probably want your autograph or take a picture with you or SOMETHING!!!

I do have to brag…I DID get to meet my handsome prince charming and I DO have 2 BEAUTIFUL children BUT that is about all that got printed in my book! There was A LOT of editing to be done between all the lines!!!

My handsome husband and I got married in January 2007 in the beautiful Mesa, AZ temple. This was THE BEST and MOST important decision I have EVER made in my WHOLE life!!  I can’t stress to you girls enough how important that decision of who to marry is. It doesn’t just affect you, it affects your family, your children, and your future posterity. It will affect EVERY chapter of your book so make that decision with LOTS of prayer and DON’T COMPROMISE your standards!

We gave birth to our sweet son Dakota in August of 2008. I was a stay at home mom and he was running his own landscaping company and going to school. Life was good…although I didn’t realize how good it really was at the time.

In August of 2009 just a short week before our darling boy was going to turn 1… My husband was driving to work and realized cars were passing him on left side and he wasn't seeing them till they were in front of him. He had already lost complete sight in his right eye at the age of 15 so he knew this was not a good sign. We went immediately into the eye doctor and they told him that it wasn't looking good. His optic nerve was swelling and if they didn't stop it he would lose his sight in his only good eye.

We spent the next 3 weeks in the hospital as the doctors did everything they could to stop the swelling and save his sight.

Now I can tell you right now…this was NOT part of my rough draft plan!! We were scared to death!! My husband and I spent every second of every hour PLEADING to the Lord to grant us a miracle. I had read lots of scriptures of how Jesus had healed the blind man and I thought…why not this blind man?! HE is a good of man as any!! He has kept the commandments, he is temple worthy, he DESERVES this miracle.

As many times as we prayed and as much faith as we had…he still woke up EVERY morning seeing less and less until he was pronounced legally blind and could no longer see mine or my son’s face but just the shadowy outlines of our bodies.

This was devastating!!

I learned the hardest lesson I had EVER learned at this point in life...that sometimes no matter how much faith we have or how many times we pray to get the answer we so desperately think is right...Heavenly Father is truly the one that knows what is best for us! He sees the end from the beginning. He knows us inside and out! This is why he is the co-author of our life! He gets to add in sections to our book that we don’t always think should be there because we don’t know how it ends!!

Life got REALLY complicated for us as you can imagine. Life from that point on was different and it was hard. But together and with the support of friends, family, ward members, and most importantly our Savior we were learning to “get by.” I was helping him with his school work, miraculously he was still landscaping although it was far from easy.

About 1 year later our story took another turn for the worse!

In November of 2010 our son Dakota who was now 2 at the time, was outside playing at my parents house in AZ with his cousins. There were lots of family and friends inside and out of the house setting up and getting things ready for my brother's wedding reception that night. I was inside cutting vegetables and my husband came in from outside and asked me to go check on Dakota since he hadn’t seen him in a little while. Dakota was always the sweetest most cautious kid ever so I wasn’t worried…. I went to check on him to see what he was doing and found him lying under a fence panel totally blue in the face, no heart beat, and no pulse.

The worst fear of EVERY parent had come upon me. I received the hardest news I had EVER received from the doctor when he said he wasn't sure if Dakota would live or die and if he did live he didn't know what kind of recovery he would make from the brain damage that was done. As we sat by our only child's bedside unsure of what was going to happen, I felt COMPLETE helplessness!!

This chapter was NEVER supposed to be written in MY story!! This kind of thing only happened to OTHER people NOT ME!!

I turned to the only person that could help me and poured out my heart to my Heavenly Father to save my little boy!! To not let this chapter end the way I feared it could end! I knew that heavenly Father knew me and loved me! I knew that He was fully aware of my situation. I knew that He knew how much we needed Dakota in our already dark and difficult world!

But this time the answer was yes...he can stay...but NO he won't get to make a full recovery and be the boy that he once was. The 2 year old active little boy that I had watched go out to play that day was now a different little boy who couldn't walk, talk, eat, or even breathe on his own. He was physically with us but I felt like he was gone!! 

After TWO huge NO's, that meant the Trials in my life would NEVER stop..that they would be something I would wake up to EVERY day for the rest of our life...my testimony was shaken!!

My perfect little story that I had written in my head was COMPLETELY erased.. I didn’t even want to continue on and keep writing!! I wanted this book to END!!!

I had NO idea how to be a mom to a brain injured child!! On top of trying to be a wife to a blind man!! It was OVERWHELMING to say the least. I struggled in every aspect of life. I struggled physically trying to care for Dakota. He didn't sleep, he needed constant care around the clock and was physically unstable. I struggled emotionally with the loss of the boy that once was...trying to find him in this boy that I now had. Worst of all I struggled spiritually trying to understand why God was allowing all of this to happen to ME!

I didn’t think it was even possible to write a happy ending to my story! I didn’t even know if I could EVER FEEL happiness again!!!

But guess what I learned?? Through a lot of sleepless nights, pillows wet with tears, on my knees pleading to my Heavenly Father for help and mercy… I slowly came to learn  and understand that…Happiness IS NOT dependent upon circumstances…happiness comes from knowing WHO you are and WHOSE you are!!!

As hard as Satan tried to bring me down…as many hard and overwhelming days as I went through in those next few years…I could not deny my knowledge and testimony that I was a daughter of God, He created me, He LOVED me, He KNEW ME Tessie Friedli…and He had sacrificed HIS son Jesus Christ for ME…so even though there was not one single person on this earth that could understand my pain and heartache…not one single friend, sister, Not even my mom! But My Savior knew because He had suffered pains deeper then I could even imagine so that He would know how to help rescue and save ME when NO ONE else could!! Only through the loving compassion of my Savior was I able to find the hope, faith, and strength to move forward…to get out of bed and keep going!! Only then was I able to trust in my Heavenly Father’s plan for ME!! 

I knew that because my Savior had died for me and my family…one day they would be made whole again!! I stopped questioning and asking Heavenly Father WHY?! It no longer mattered why all of these bad things happened to me because I knew that 1 day I would understand everything COMPLETELY. That in my 3^rd sequence EVERYTHING would be made right!!! The pain that I felt would be compensated 100 times greater with JOY…and oh how beautiful that sounded!!

I felt like the Lord was telling me exactly what Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said has counseled: “Don’t give up. … Don’t you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. … It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come.”¹⁰

I didn’t know how or when these good things would come…I wondered how many chapters it was going to take before good things really did come…But as I put my trust in my Heavenly Father, accepted His will in my life…my eyes were opened to the blessings and beauty that was ALL around me!!!

It has been 5 years this month since Dakota’s accident. They have been some of THE HARDEST years of my life but I can say with complete honesty that they have also been the VERY BEST!! I can honestly say that if I could go back and rewrite those chapters the way I thought they should have gone I wouldn’t. Because as hard as they were, they brought me to my knees in COMPLETE humility and forced me to come to know my Heavenly Father and Savior in a way I had never before known. As I turned to them…They helped me to see who I was, to see the DIVINE NATURE inside of me and have taught me what TRUE HAPPINESS really is!!

Happiness does not come from the amount of friends or followers you have, or the number of likes you get, how good you are at sports or dance, the amount of money or talents you have…Happiness come from within…it is realizing your DIVINE nature!! It is having the ability to focus on ALL 3 sequences and allowing your life to be filled with things of eternal worth!! It is seeing who your Heavenly Father sees you as and living each day to make him proud!!

Sister Wixom in this last general conference said, “God sent you here to prepare for a future greater than anything you can imagine.”⁹ That future, a day at a time, comes alive when you do more than just exist; it comes alive when you live your life to fill the measure of your creation. This invites the Lord into your life, and you begin to let His will become yours.

Because you are His child, He knows who you can become. He knows your fears and your dreams. He relishes your potential. He waits for you to come to Him in prayer. Because you are His child, you not only need Him, but He also needs you. Those sitting around you right now in this meeting need you. The world needs you, and your divine nature allows you to be His trusted disciple to all His children.

Now I don’t know what your story entails…what types of chapters might be written in YOUR sequence. You may lose a loved one, you may struggle to have a child, you may never get married, you may battle with a debilitating illness, you may face betrayal from someone you love…There will be chapters like mine that are so hard that you wish they were NEVER written! Ones that you wish you could stop and erase! But I promise that if you can get to the end of that chapter, relying on your Saviors love, help, and strength as you go…keeping your eye on the eternal perspective you will not only make it through…but you will find JOY in your journey!! It is through those hardest of chapters that we learn, grow, progress, and become the person our Heavenly Father knew we could become!!

When Heavenly Father sent you into this second sequence he didn’t send you into it to be sad…he sent you to be happy…to share your light for ALL the world to see!

My daily life is STILL hard. I still have to help my husband and take care of ALL of Dakota’s needs…but I am happier then I have EVER been because I have learned to find joy in the simple and beautiful things in my life!!  My favorite quote is “Life Doesn’t Have to be Perfect to be WONDERFUL!”

No matter what your story has looked like in the past, looks like right now, or will look like in the future…YOU get to write the ending!! YOU get to decide if it is a happy ending…no one else can decide that for you!!

It is my hope for each one of you that you will make it to that 3rd sequence where you will get to look your maker in the eye and hear him say Well Done my Good and Faithful Servant!! And you might say back to him as Sister Reeves put it…Was that ALL that was required??

“What will it matter, dear sisters, what we suffered here if, in the end, those trials are the very things which qualify us for eternal life and exaltation in the kingdom of God with our Father and Savior?”

It is my hope and prayer that each one of you will feel the love your Heavenly Father has for YOU!! That even in your darkest of days that you will NEVER forget who you are and that that knowledge will give you the strength to keep going and to find JOY in your journey!!!

4 Yrs Post Accident...Greatest Investment!

As we hit our 4 year anniversary today…my emotions run a little high. Not high with sadness but with gratitude. Gratitude for how far we have come…for ALL that we have learned…and for the blessing of having a literal angel in my home to love on, learn from, and enjoy!

 

 I recently read this quote and it has become one of favorites…maybe because it is by one of my favorite people too! ;) "You will come to KNOW that what appears today to be a SACRIFICE will prove instead to be the greatest INVESTMENT that you will ever make." Gordon B. Hinckley 

 

4 years ago  I wouldn’t have believed this…heck even 2 years ago! I felt like my world was falling apart and that I would never be able to move on!  I felt I was being asked to sacrifice too much and I didn’t think it was fair. I was STILL learning to cope with the physical and emotional struggles of Zach losing his sight and now this!! I was in a dark place!!

 

As 4 years have passed and as I have SACRIFICED DAILY for my little Dakota man…I have SLOWLY come to realize every tear, every sleepless night, every painful cry for help, every fear of the future, EVERY physical and emotional sacrifice I have made and will continue to make has become THE GREATEST INVESTMENT I have ever made and continue to make. And although some days are still hard as heck, some days I’m still learning patience and all kinds of hard lessons, some days I still tear up and just wish my life was “normal” (especially the other day when I flew by myleslf with these 2 kids to AZ), and some days  I still fear and wonder about the future…I can see now that it is ALL worth it!! There IS a purpose behind all of this madness!!

 

 

They say time heals and I’m here to say it doesn’t! The only healer through ANY struggle or trial is Christ! Time just ALLOWS us to come to know and lean upon our Savior so that HE can teach us, show us the way, and HEAL us…because that takes time. It doesn’t happen overnight. To REALLY come to know and rely upon our Savior we have to dig deep. We have to yearn for and TRULY work for it (praying, studying, pondering, and listening)…and often times it takes sacrifice, pain, and trials that force us to our knees to get there!

 

Because of the help and strength of my Savior, I have learned some of the most powerful lessons in these 4 years. He has allowed me to see and focus on the bigger picture…to see Dakota for who he really is…a VERY brave soul! A little boy that has a GREAT purpose here on this earth…to light up the lives of everyone he meets…especially his mom and dad’s!! To teach others how to LOVE sincerely and to give others a tiny glimpse into heaven!! ;) And it is MY job as his mom to HELP him fulfill it!

 

Zach has decided that Dakota’s sweet smile is titled a “Welcome to Heaven” smile! The first time he told me that I laughed because it was so random but as he described his feelings it made complete sense. He just said that when you see Dakota’s smile it made him feel like that is the kind of smile you will get when you go to heaven. When you get there, there will be someone with a sweet angelic face and smile welcoming you…without words just a smile saying… “Welcome to Heaven!” I love it!!

 

 

I have come to accept Dakota’s new plan in life. I have come to accept the fact that he may never walk, talk, use a toilet, run into my arms and give me a great big hug, tell me with words that he loves me or hear the word mom,  eat a meal, take a shower by himself, climb out of bed on his own, play hide and go seek with his sister, be the best player on the team, graduate high school or college, go on a date,  get married, give me grandkids, or EVER leave home!

 

I accept this and am willing and ready for ALL the SACRIFICES that Zach and I and he will have to make because of it, because I KNOW with ALL my heart that Heavenly Father’s plan for Him was ALWAYS intended to look different than others…it just took the time and help from my Savior to help me see, learn, and accept it!!

 

On days that I struggle to remember this, all I have to do is reread the poem that my dear friend Jenell gave me (thank you Jenell)…and because we mark the anniversary I will share it again!! It puts Dakota's little life so perfectly into perspective!!

Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. He especially enjoyed the love he saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day he saw suffering in the world. He approached God and sadly asked, "Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?" God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people's hearts." The little soul was confused. "What do you mean," he asked. God replied, "Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone." The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, "The suffering soul unlocks the love in people's hearts much like the sun and the rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this - it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer - to unlock this love - to create this miracle for the good of all humanity."


Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain himself. With his wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied. "I am brave; let me go! I would like to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people's hearts! I want to create that miracle!" God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you". God and the brave soul shared a smile, and then embraced.

In parting, God said, "Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed." Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through his suffering and God's strength, he unlocked the goodness and love in people's hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys, some regained lost faith - many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened. God was pleased.

 

 

Thank you Dakota for sacrificing for me, your dad, your sister, and SO many others to help unlock the love inside of our hearts!! Instead of marking 4 years of sadness…this day marks 4 years of greatness!! (The day you graduated to become an angel here on earth!) I am SO proud to call you MY son! I love you with EVERY piece of my heart!!!

We Communicated...The Button!!

Dakota's accident happened when he was 2 years and 3 months old. A lot of kids aren't SUPER verbal at this age but Dakota man was a talker! He was saying complete sentences at this age and had entered into that super funny talking stage where you never know what might come out! I was LOVING having a 2 year old little boy!!

To go from a VERY verbal child to a COMPLETELY non-verbal child has probably been THE hardest of all the adjustments we have had to make in this house. Not being able to really communicate and understand Dakota is by far harder then having to carry his 38 lbs around. Nothing is more frustrating for Zach and I  AND Dakota, then when Dakota just cries and whines and we can't seem to find the right answer.

Right after Dakota's accident when we returned home we were able to have in-home therapy with a program called Up to 3. We had physical, occupational (hands and fine motor), and speech therapists that would come about once a week. They brought a big round button into our home and attached it to toys that would move or play music when the button was pushed. They were hoping this would entice him to learn to push the button. At that point in time Dakota had pretty much no movement going on so hitting a button just wasn't happening.

Dakota has come a LONG way in his physical movements although I still wouldn't say he has a lot of coordination but he definitely is beginning to have more and more purpose behind his movements.

A couple months ago Dakota was going through a REALLY weird routine at bedtime. Out of nowhere he just started SCREAMING...not crying...SCREAMING when we put him to bed. It was like clockwork. We would lay him down and within 2 minutes he was screaming crying, inconsolable, out of control. When he gets really mad his whole body gets stiff as a board, so even holding him was impossible. It had gone on for a couple weeks and both Zach and I were clueless as to what to do...we had tried EVERYTHING that normally works and had gotten nowhere! For a couple nights playing some church hymns off Pandora worked but then he went right back to screaming.

Zach and I were both SO frustrated! Not sure if these cries were from pain, hunger, uncomfortable, boredom, or just a 6 year old throwing a fit about having to go to bed. When you don't know what it is it is hard to provide the right solution. I can only imagine how frustrated Dakota was as well that we weren't connecting. We all just ended each night upset and frustrated!! Every night I prayed with Dakota and on my own to help know what to do!!!

I went to parent teacher conference around that time and the teacher was telling me about how they were working with the "buttons" in the classroom. They had even had me record my voice talking to Dakota that he could push and listen to at school. As I talked with his teacher...the spirit whispered to my mind...we needed a button for bedtime! I told the teacher the situation and wondered if we could borrow a button to use at home. I had no idea if this idea that had popped into my head would even work but I thought ANYTHING was worth a shot at this point! She made it happen and I recorded on the button, "Mom, I need you!"

I thought maybe just maybe, if  I could practice and practice with Dakota he could learn the power this button could hold for him. Maybe just maybe he could learn to push this button when he needed or wanted us, instead of screaming and crying. I figured it would take days, weeks,  or even months for him to learn the concept behind the button.

The first night I laid the button next to him in bed and pushed it and let him hear it. I explained to him that ANY time he needed something that he could push this button and I would come. I told him when he wakes up in the morning I wanted him to push it so that I would know he was awake and I would come and get him. As I explained it all to him he looked at that red button and I wondered how much he REALLY understood. I practiced with him before I left and helped him bring his hand over and push the button. Then we tucked him into bed and called it a night.

That night he still cried but each time I would go in  I would remind him...you don't need to cry...just push the button...and I would help him push the button. I didn't know if he would ever get it but there was hope in my heart. The next morning he proved me wrong.

6:20 a.m. I hear on the monitor, "Mom, I need you!" I immediately wake up and look at the monitor and I watch Dakota glance at the button. I had a feeling he had "accidentally" hit the button but I didn't care a ran into his room and praised and praised him for pushing the button. He looked up at me and gave me THE SWEETEST grin that said so clearly, "I did it AND it worked!"

6:20 is a little early for him to get up so I changed his diaper like I do and adjusted him in bed and told him it wasn't quite time to get up yet so he needed to try and go back to sleep. I was too excited to sleep, so instead I decided to watch him on the video monitor to see what he would do. I watched the miracle unfold as he worked and worked to roll his little body onto his side and swing and swing his arm over and over until he hit that red button again! I ran into his room again and as soon as I opened the door that same sweet, innocent, proud, angelic smile was on his face like, "I DID IT AGAIN AND IT WORKED!"  I could tell 100% that this kid got it! He understood EVERYTHING that I had told him about this button and he had worked SO hard to make it work!!! I was SO happy, proud, and excited that I had to let him get up out of bed...even if it was 6:30 in the morning.

Since that day...Dakota has become quite the little expert at utilizing his button. He has used his smart little brain some nights to use it as a game. He went through about a 1 week phase of staying up till 11/11:30 at night pushing and pushing the button instead of going to bed...just to get a visit from his mom or dad. Just like all kids he wanted an excuse to stay up and not go to bed. I would even move it farther and farther away from him so that he couldn't press it so easily and he would wiggle and wiggle until he either hit it or knocked it off the bed.  Almost every morning I now wake up to, "Mom, I need you!" instead of crying and it is a beautiful thing...even if the voice I hear is my own voice and not Dakota's...it is communication nonetheless...and I will take it!!

This is just a tiny little step in our communication journey but it is a miracle and proof that this boy understands! It proves that he has SO much to say but that he just needs an avenue with which to say it. It is my hope and prayer that this is only the beginning of a great future ahead!!

My Favorite 6 Year Old!!!

Dear Dakota,

You turned 6 today and I thought my heart was going to burst! My emotions were running very high today…in a good way!! I’m sure part of it was due to the emotional high we had yesterday with the AMAZING F2TF 5K. (more to come on that soon).

I was overwhelmed as I woke up today thinking about how grateful I am to get to celebrate this day with you!! I almost lost my opportunity to celebrate birthdays with you, so today I celebrated YOU with the happiest of hearts!!!

This birthday was your first birthday since your accident that I felt that you really understood it was YOUR birthday…at least it was the first time you shared some emotion with us…smiling and laughing as we poured balloons over your body when you woke up as we sang Happy Birthday to you!!


We blew these up at midnight for you…that’s how much we love you!!! ;)




You smiled and giggled as I let you listen to all the voxes, phone messages, and videos sent to you from our family and friends that were thinking of you today and even everyone singing to you at Vayden’s luncheon!! I could tell even though you couldn’t tell me in words that you knew it was your birthday and you were SO happy to celebrate it today!! I think you are SUPER excited to be 6!!!  It made today even more special to watch you smile and enjoy being youl!!!

Dakota…when you came into this world 6 years ago and made me and your dad parents…we had no idea the influence you would be in our lives!!



You opened our hearts then and since that day you have continued to AMAZE me in every way possible!! You are not just my son…you are my teacher, my angel, my example, my light, my happiness, my sunshine, my little piece of heaven, my daily reminder of what really matters in life, my LOVE!! You make my world go round!!!

So I sit her today with tears in my eyes SOOOO grateful to get to celebrate this 6 years with you today instead of without you!!!


He even put out the candle on his own…with his arm! ;)

I still don’t know how I got so lucky that you chose me to be your mom…my only guess is that you knew I needed A LOT of help in this life to make it back to my Heavenly Father and you knew I would need you to teach me, lead me, and guide me every step of the way!!

Whatever the reason may be…THANK YOU for choosing me!! I will love you with all my heart every single day!! I’m so lucky I get to spend eternity with YOU!!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAKOTA MAN!!!!!

Life is Changing…Hang on to your Britches!!

WOW!!! Life has been a whirlwind these last couple months and I don’t even know how to keep up with it physically let alone on this here blog!! I feel like EVERY single minute has been consumed by something, but yet at the end of the day I wonder what did I get done?! Just adding another dependent child to my day to day life I’m sure has something to do with it!! ;)

So here is a brief synopsis of just a few of the things going on in our crazy life!

FIRST: Most important of them all…is our life as a whole has been overwhelmingly AMAZING as of late!!! With Navy joining our family she has brought with her a sense of love, joy, contentment, gratitude, and HAPPINESS that at times makes my heart want to explode!! (I realize that sounds SUPER cheesy but it is the only way to describe it.) My heart is SO full!!! Their is a different feeling both Zach and I have individually, as a couple, as a family, and in our home that I can’t even put into words. I remember after Zach’s blindness and then Dakota’s accident never knowing if we would ever feel COMPLETE happiness in our lives. Slowly over the last 31/2 years it has come but over these last couple months with Navy in our lives it has changed dramatically!! Everyday both Zach and I are SOOOO grateful. There are still a lot of hard things in our life…a blind husband and a brain injured child bring with them a lot of challenges…life has not gotten easier…but it seems like we are being able to more easily overlook those day to day challenges and struggles and have a greater focus on the happy and wonderful things in our lives…like 2 beautiful and healthy children, a happy marriage, a roof over our head, the gospel of Jesus Christ in our lives, etc.



Their is happiness and hope in our lives stronger then it has ever been…and I think we appreciate it SO dang much because we went for such a long time without it!! We have felt what it is like to be in the lowest of lows so even though there are still a lot of unknowns and challenges we deal with daily…we can enjoy the happiness in our lives because nothing MAJOR is wrong! I don’t know if any of that makes sense in anyone elses head because the feelings we have are hard to put into words…we just feel them…but basically we are happier then we have EVER been in our whole married life right now…that’s what I’m trying to say!! ;) And it feels so good!!

SECOND: WE MOVED!!! :/


Still trying to grasp that we will not be returning to this place we called home for last 7 years!! The place that we created every memory we have as a family both good and sad!! The place that we welcomed 2 beautiful children home to. The place that when Dakota was in the hospital I pictured myself going home to empty handed…seeing his toys and room and not being able to imagine him not there with me! The place that neighbors, friends, and family have come to visit us during the happy and sad times, and the place that has been our refuge to cry and laugh together!! Zach and I literally built that home together. We started it when we were engaged (crazy I know!). Zach picked about everything out since I didn't live here at the time…I was just happy to have a house as a poor newlywed! We literally helped do things on it to save money…I helped tile, Zach helped with the electrical and concrete. We both helped paint.





It was hard to sell because it was OUR home. I couldn’t imagine anyone else living in it but us. BUT the stairs in that place are insane. To get to the front door you go up lots of steps and then once you get into the front door you HAVE to go up or down steps…and with Dakota man it was getting harder and harder and I knew it was time.

As we packed up and got closer and closer to moving, the tenderness in my heart for that place got stronger and stronger. On our last trip to get Zach’s trailers and to hand over the keys and garage opener it tugged at my heart string to know that we weren’t going be able to just walk in that front door or lay in that grass anymore. It was done…BUT I am excited for a new chapter in our life and a new place to someday call home…with no stairs and a more easier and convenient environment for Dakota.

Now just to figure out WHERE that home is going to be is the hard part!!! Until we find find a lot to build on or a house we love that will work, we are renting from some lovely poeple in our ward just about a mile away from our home. It is a sweet basement apartment with just enough room for the 4 of us! We really can’t complain! It worked our perfect for us to move into while we try and figure out life right now and what we are doing!! I will feel a lot better though once we have a plan for the next step! ;)

ZACH'S HAPPENINGS: Zach is still the hardest working blind landscaper I have EVER seen! He is truly amazing and works SO hard and overcomes all the challenges of being blind to provide for our little family!! It is quite miraculous to say the least! He has been blessed with a great full time employee that is reliable and honest and they both go at it every day in that insane heat!! His work is amazing and his perfectionist OCD comes out wonderfully in his work!! I just love him!!

One of the most exciting and sweetest things that happened in May………was his INCREDIBLE invention The Sim-Pole Digger got OFFICIALLY licensed with a company!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Him signing the OFFICIAL contract! Oh yes you know we took a picture of this moment!! ;) (The best  part about this picture is that Zach is such a perfectionist he uses a credit card to write to make his letters perfectly straight…and yes he did this before he went blind! ;))


This is the invention he has been working on for YEARS!!! If you remember…a little over a year ago we went to the Hardware Show in Vegas (read about it here). He had several companies interested and looking at it from there and just in May he FINALLY was able to make an OFFICIAL deal and sign a contract with a company!! Now it’s not like the movies and we aren’t all the sudden going to be rich…I wish! ;) BUT we will hopefully at least get reimbursed for ALL the money he has put into the making of it, the patenting, and the attorney fees to get it to this point and one day hopefully we will get a little bit of a kick back once it hits the market. I literally am DYING to one day see that thing on the shelves of Home Depot! The biggest reward of all is just seeing my amazing husbands hard work, talent, and efforts pay off!! To know that his great idea wasn’t just great to us but to others!!! I am SOOOO proud of him! (He will be COMPLETELY embarrassed I even wrote about this! But it is a HUGE accomplishment and memory worth writing about!!) ;)

ME: I am just still me…nothing great that I have accomplished besides surviving! I think that is an accomplishment! ;) I am just loving being a mom to these 2 cuties and a wife to this handsome man! They are my world!

Fourth of July!! (Yes I totally did a mommy daughter twinner headband…didn’t even buy them at the same time though and plan it! ;))


Close up! :) I know I’m a total nerd and she will totally be embarrassed of this one day! LOL!!

Trying to get back into running again but it sure is a lot tougher with 2 kiddos and one nursing! ;) One day!! I would love to prep for another marathon again sometime in the near future...although just running 3 or 4 miles right now is such a challenge! :/

DAKOTA: Obviously if you haven’t guessed already…he finished his last year of preschool in May! This was a sad day for me because he had been at this preschool for THREE years now and I had fallen in love with his teacher, the preschool staff, and even his AMAZING bus drivers!!!


His AMAZING teacher Miss Keri!!



His happiest morning bus drivers!! I will miss their happy, sweet smiles greeting us every morning!! They hung that Woody and Buzz poster up just for Dakota above his window! They were always so sweet to him!!


His cutest afternoon bus drivers! Just as sweet! Wish everyone could catch a glimpse of their big hearts!! Luckily Gina on the left is in my ward so I still get to see her! ;)

I know Kindergarten will be good and it is time to move on BUT I will miss these amazing people who have been such a HUGE part of ours and Dakota’s life! They have loved him and helped him and it’s hard to say goodbye! If they would let him I think I would let him stay in preschool for the rest of his life! ;) (I’m pretty sure he would be okay with that too!)

The first of the summer Dakota got to be on his VERY first t-ball team!! Our brother-in-law Beau was coaching the team for our nephew Houston. One day they just threw it out there that they asked the league if Dakota could be on there team and get a shirt too. They said he could so if we wanted to bring him we could. The fact that they even thought of him literally melted my heart and it was the first time I had ever thought…why not let him play t-ball! I guess I had just accepted the fact that that wasn’t going to get to be a part of our life BUT them bringing it up opened my eyes to WHY NOT?!

I had no idea how it would go or if Dakota would even like it. BUT that first day as we went out and the kids were all practicing before the game and I started playing a little catch with Dakota his face LIT right up and I knew…this was perfect!!!


Cutest t-ball player I have EVER seen! ;)



Oh the fun!! That smile is worth it all!!!


Batting was a little tricky but Poppy took him up there like a champ and let him bat just like all the other kids!! He started off just holding him but it was a little tricky so then we decided the stroller would work a little better. I’m not trying to brag but he did get a homerun every time! ;) (They let the last hitter go all the way around!)



I’m not sure if this will be something we can do forever but I’m SO grateful Beau thought of Dakota and let him be a part of this wonderful team!!!

Uncle Beau holding him and Dakota’s girlfriend Hadlee is right next to him!!

At the end of the season Dakota even got the MVP award! Must have been all those homeruns! ;)

Getting awarded by Uncle Beau


Dakota and cousin Houston!



One proud boy with his trophy! Every boy deserves a trophy!

He has had A LOT of fun in the sun this summer! Swim parties at Grammy and Poppy’s of course are the most fun. They got him this sweetest shark that is SO perfect for him! It keeps him all the way out of the water…since his trach (the thing in his neck ;)) can’t get any water near it or it goes in his lungs, swimming is a tricky thing!


Just chillin!



Grammy and Poppy always have fun things to do there!! ;) Houston is blowing him some bubbles!





LOVE this cute family of ours!!



Cute cousins!!!



Uncle Ryan even let us come swim in his sweet pool! We love the water!!

Dakota also got to experience his first splash pad (since the accident)!

It was quite a blast!!

His very favorite thing there was when his dad would run him through the tunnel of spray! ;)

He even got picked up on by these cutest little ladies! ;) His g-tube caught their eye!

Luckily his dad spoke spanish so he could interpret for Dakota and tell them all about him! ;) Seriously..THE. CUTEST!!!

He used his cousin Maelee to warm him up!

Cousins are the best!!!

One of the coolest things of all though…is Dakota man got his SWEET bike!!!!!!!!!!! YAHOOOO!
We got it right before Miss Navy was born so that is why I haven’t gotten to write about it! We got it all set up with the help of my mom and Zach!


Got him all strapped in and adjusted!

It fit him perfectly like a glove!!!

Then we took our VERY FIRST family ride around the block!

It was SUCH a HAPPY day!! Not sure who was most excited!!



Dakota sure thought it was pretty cool though!

Here is a video to see more how it works in action! ;) (Don’t mind my cheesy narration!)

Since then we have been on LOTS and LOTS of bike rides!!
It has been such a huge blessing to have!! We kinda wore him out right when we got it going out EVERY single day! It does require work on his end so he can’t go for long periods of time before he gets tired and worn out. So we have taken a little break now and again and then he seems to enjoy riding much more!!!

I can’t say thank you enough to our AMAZING friends who got this for him!!! We will forever be grateful!!!!!

NAVY JO: She turned 2 months on the 12th of June!

She is chunking up if you can’t tell! ;)


The best words to describe her is heaven sent!! She is seriously the most perfect little baby I could EVER have asked for!! I know she was hand picked just for our family! Heavenly Father knew we could only handle so much…so He made her perfectly for us!! He must have given her A LOT of lessons before she came!! ;) I’m pretty sure he told her that her parents were already a little crazy so she needed to help make life as smooth as it could be so we didn’t turn more crazy! ;) She is the happiest, most content, great sleeping baby EVER!! I thought Dakota was a good baby but she may outdo him! She is already sleeping 9-11 hours at night. She only fusses if she is tired, hungry, or right when she is put in the carseat.

When you look in her dark eyes she seems to know SO much! It is hard to describe but I swear she is just filled with knowledge! Not book smarts…I’m not saying she is going to be the smartest kid in school…but she seems to know what is going on. She is only 2 months but I swear she has a VERY old soul! She just has this look that tells you…I know more then you! It is wierd but both Zach and I have noticed it and even my sister Katie when she came to visit said…she is so smart! (And obviously she wasn’t spouting off her ABC’s or anything! ;))

She is definitely chunking up if you can’t tell! ;) Dakota was never a chunky baby so it is a little different but fun!I love her little squishy rolls!!! At her 2 month appointment (which was a couple weeks after she turned 2 months) she was 12 pounds (63%), 23.25 inches tall (71%), and her little head circumference was 41%.

She is in a size 1 diaper although she is starting to blow out of those quite regularly so we may need to go up!

YIKES!!


Luckily though…when girls blowout all over their clothes…they still have accessories to keep them rockin!! ;)


She has outgrown most of her newborn clothes and is in 0-3 months! That makes me sad and makes me think I can’t call her a newborn anymore! :(

About 6 weeks she started cracking smiles but you had to really work at them! Now they are becoming more and more often and easier and easier to come by!
 
ESPECIALLY at her dad!!!! They sure love each other!!



WOW…Double chin!! ;)

She still can’t keep a binky in…what is the trick all you mom’s?! I have literally tried EVERY brand of binky!So she still resorts to her thumb, fingers, hand, or blanket…and still often gags herself…but it is cute!! ;)
 


We blessed her on June 1st…but I will be updating a whole blog post on that special day soon!! :)

She is a little light in our family and she brings so much love and happiness! Even Dakota is starting to come around!!

He LOVES her floor mat! One day I left him laying a little distance away from her like I always do…since he can’t control his movements all the time and has been known to wak her in the face or I fear he will roll on top of her…and walked into the kitchen. I came back a minute later and he had done a full log roll and was right next to her. If you can’t tell on his face he was pretty proud of himself!! ;) And miss Navy was just chill and content sharing her mat with him!

I die over these two!! Can’t wait to watch them continue to grow and love each other! (At least that’s what I’m hoping for!)

WHEW…hopefully now that we are settled for a minute I can keep up with this blog again! ;)