5 Years an Angel: Finding Joy in the Journey

I have OBVIOUSLY been neglecting this blog, much to my dismay!! There is SOOO many things I have wanted to sit down and write about (Dakota's killer Halloween costume Zach built, Navy is 18 months, how I randomly decided to become a permanent makeup artist, Zach's new Germavoid product we are working on, and life) mostly for my own memory. But life has been CRAZIER then ever lately and there has not been enough time in ANY day to be honest!! It is a good crazy though so I can't complain!!

It is 2:30 A.M. I'm MORE then tired. It has been a long but great Thanksgiving surrounded by our wonderful family we love BUT I couldn't lay my head on my pillow tonight without dedicating a post to sweet Dakota...because let's face it...this is really HIS blog, not mine!! Any that still read this read it because of HIM...because of the SWEET, SWEET spirit they feel through each picture and post that he is in. It ALWAYS amazes me at how even through a simple picture people can feel what I feel in his presence. It is AMAZING. So for him...I post!

5 years ago our lives were changed!! I thought for the worst. I relived that day yesterday as we had Dakota's quarterly check up at Primary Children's Hospital. They built a new outpatient wing, separate but connected to the hospital recently, so we rarely walk the same halls we once did. But this particular appointment they told me he could get a flu shot while we were there but we would have to walk over to the pharmacy connected to the hospital. No big deal!! But on this particular night as we approached his 5 year anniversary the next day...being in those same halls, eating the same cafeteria food, it was different. I allowed myself to relive those dark, difficult, and life changing days. I observed my surroundings and watched the people, staff and parents. My heart ached as I watched a dad walk in with his pillow and suitcase, the woman carrying in a large ziploc baggy full of breast milk. I ached that they would be spending their Thanksgiving here...in a hospital. I longed to stop them, hug them, and tell them to NEVER give up!! That the light WILL come and there will be GREAT blessings and happiness ahead. Your future REALLY is as bright as your faith as President Monson has said!!

I didn't as I'm sure they would have thought I was a crazy lady and called security on me!!

But my message tonight is just that!! I have learned A LOT of life changing things over these past 5-6 years from Zach's blindness to Dakota's accident to now. I am a COMPLETELY different Tessie Friedli then I once was. My life was changed, my perspective is different, and my focus is forever better...thanks to my dang trials that I wished had NEVER come as I was living through them.


I have been asked to speak at several different types of settings..woman, young woman, and youth over the past few years. Public speaking is NOT my favorite thing...AT ALL!! But I have never said no, (except once only because it was soon after Navy would be born) because I feel that if I can help just 1 person in my lifetime through their life and trials then ALL of the sleepless nights, tears, and heartache I have experienced is not in vain. Helping others is what gives purpose to the madness. EVERY time I speak my own testimony of EVERYTHING I have learned and gained through my challenges are strengthened and I am reminded over and over how important the lessons I have learned truly are!!

Each time I have been asked to speak the focus/topic has always been a little different although each time they want me to share my story...because let's face it...I AM my story!! It has defined who I am. Just a couple weeks ago I spoke to a group of Young Woman. They asked me to share about Finding Joy in the Journey. Tonight as I sit here on this 5 year anniversary I want to share what I shared with them because EACH and EVERY person on this entire planet will experience pain, heartache, and sadness. It is part of our earthly experience. I don't know what it will look like for each person...but I can promise it will come. But the great thing is...it is not our life experiences that define us...it is what we CHOOSE to do with them that determine who we are and how happy we can be!! No matter what has happened in your past, what you are facing now, or what your future holds...YOU get to decide whether your story has a happy ending...no one else can!!!


SO...in honor of Dakota...Here is what I shared in hopes that whoever may read this can learn to find JOY in their Journey because as I LOVE to say, "Life Doesn't Have to be Perfect to be Wonderful!"


At the end of this post I made a slideshow of OUR story to date. I am not a technologically advanced person so I won't tell you how many hours it took me to do this! LOL!! But it represents our story, our fight. I chose to do it to the Fight Song because I feel like life is a fight at times...sometimes we are winning and sometimes we are down. I LOVE this song and so does my whole family!! We blast it in our home or in the car and Zach and I sing like we are on stage, Dakota smiles, Navy dances and then as soon as it ends she says "GO!" (which means play it again.) So ENJOY and keep on fighting!!


JOY IN THE JOURNEY!

Tonight they asked me to talk about how I have found joy in MY journey!! I have been pondering this thought and I feel like our lives, our journey, is broken up in to a 3 sequence story!!

First sequence of our story involves our pre-earth life…when we were just cute little spirits flying around naked without a body to clothe us!! The second sequence to that story is the here and now…our Earth life. The last sequence of our story is our return home back into the presence of our loving Heavenly Father!!! It’s a book that we can’t even comprehend because we have NEVER experienced, read or seen anything like it!!

I don’t know for sure what it was like in the first sequence but I can imagine our Heavenly Father sitting down with us and preparing us for the 2^nd sequence. Telling us what might happen in each chapter. I’m sure he explained to us that it was going to be REALLY hard at times but that He would ALWAYS be with us to help us through. I can imagine Him taking the time to explain that this was THE MOST important sequence to be written because we would be the co-authors of this story. We would make choices that would determine how this book would end and what the last sequence would entail. I can only imagine how many time He probably told us to REMEMBER who we are!! Reminding us of who He created us to become and how important, valued, and special we were and telling us HOW BADLY he wanted us to return back to live with Him again!! The feeling we must have felt as we left His presence and came to earth I’m sure was pretty powerful!!

So here we are!! Each one of us at different points in our story. Have we ALREADY forgotten who we are, where we came from, and why we are here??? I hope not! I hope that you will NEVER forget that!!

You girls are still at the beginning of your stories… with SO much yet to be written. SO many choices and decision to make…and so many unexpected surprises along the way. I’m about 32 years into my story and I can tell you…It has been quite the duesy!! Trust me…you will want to read this!!! It is better then any scary movie or reality show you have EVER seen!! I’m thinking I should get my own show…keeping up with the Friedlis. I’m totally kidding…kind of!!!

But I started off chapter 18…leaving YW and out into the big wide world. I was ready for this new and exciting chapter in my book!! I had a whole rough draft already written in my head of EXACTLY the way that I thought it should and would go! I was going to meet my handsome returned missionary prince charming, get married in the temple, have 5 or 6 beautiful and amazing babies, live in a big beautiful white picket fence house, and be THE WORLDS BEST mom and wife EVERY day!! My happy ending looked good!!!!! Now don’t raise your hand…but how many of you have your rough draft all perfectly written like me, ready to send to the printer for a final draft?!

Well don’t hit print because guess what?! We don’t ALWAYS get to choose what happens in each chapter!!!! Your life will never go exactly the way you had planned. If it does…I want you to find me because I will probably want your autograph or take a picture with you or SOMETHING!!!

I do have to brag…I DID get to meet my handsome prince charming and I DO have 2 BEAUTIFUL children BUT that is about all that got printed in my book! There was A LOT of editing to be done between all the lines!!!

My handsome husband and I got married in January 2007 in the beautiful Mesa, AZ temple. This was THE BEST and MOST important decision I have EVER made in my WHOLE life!!  I can’t stress to you girls enough how important that decision of who to marry is. It doesn’t just affect you, it affects your family, your children, and your future posterity. It will affect EVERY chapter of your book so make that decision with LOTS of prayer and DON’T COMPROMISE your standards!

We gave birth to our sweet son Dakota in August of 2008. I was a stay at home mom and he was running his own landscaping company and going to school. Life was good…although I didn’t realize how good it really was at the time.

In August of 2009 just a short week before our darling boy was going to turn 1… My husband was driving to work and realized cars were passing him on left side and he wasn't seeing them till they were in front of him. He had already lost complete sight in his right eye at the age of 15 so he knew this was not a good sign. We went immediately into the eye doctor and they told him that it wasn't looking good. His optic nerve was swelling and if they didn't stop it he would lose his sight in his only good eye.

We spent the next 3 weeks in the hospital as the doctors did everything they could to stop the swelling and save his sight.

Now I can tell you right now…this was NOT part of my rough draft plan!! We were scared to death!! My husband and I spent every second of every hour PLEADING to the Lord to grant us a miracle. I had read lots of scriptures of how Jesus had healed the blind man and I thought…why not this blind man?! HE is a good of man as any!! He has kept the commandments, he is temple worthy, he DESERVES this miracle.

As many times as we prayed and as much faith as we had…he still woke up EVERY morning seeing less and less until he was pronounced legally blind and could no longer see mine or my son’s face but just the shadowy outlines of our bodies.

This was devastating!!

I learned the hardest lesson I had EVER learned at this point in life...that sometimes no matter how much faith we have or how many times we pray to get the answer we so desperately think is right...Heavenly Father is truly the one that knows what is best for us! He sees the end from the beginning. He knows us inside and out! This is why he is the co-author of our life! He gets to add in sections to our book that we don’t always think should be there because we don’t know how it ends!!

Life got REALLY complicated for us as you can imagine. Life from that point on was different and it was hard. But together and with the support of friends, family, ward members, and most importantly our Savior we were learning to “get by.” I was helping him with his school work, miraculously he was still landscaping although it was far from easy.

About 1 year later our story took another turn for the worse!

In November of 2010 our son Dakota who was now 2 at the time, was outside playing at my parents house in AZ with his cousins. There were lots of family and friends inside and out of the house setting up and getting things ready for my brother's wedding reception that night. I was inside cutting vegetables and my husband came in from outside and asked me to go check on Dakota since he hadn’t seen him in a little while. Dakota was always the sweetest most cautious kid ever so I wasn’t worried…. I went to check on him to see what he was doing and found him lying under a fence panel totally blue in the face, no heart beat, and no pulse.

The worst fear of EVERY parent had come upon me. I received the hardest news I had EVER received from the doctor when he said he wasn't sure if Dakota would live or die and if he did live he didn't know what kind of recovery he would make from the brain damage that was done. As we sat by our only child's bedside unsure of what was going to happen, I felt COMPLETE helplessness!!

This chapter was NEVER supposed to be written in MY story!! This kind of thing only happened to OTHER people NOT ME!!

I turned to the only person that could help me and poured out my heart to my Heavenly Father to save my little boy!! To not let this chapter end the way I feared it could end! I knew that heavenly Father knew me and loved me! I knew that He was fully aware of my situation. I knew that He knew how much we needed Dakota in our already dark and difficult world!

But this time the answer was yes...he can stay...but NO he won't get to make a full recovery and be the boy that he once was. The 2 year old active little boy that I had watched go out to play that day was now a different little boy who couldn't walk, talk, eat, or even breathe on his own. He was physically with us but I felt like he was gone!! 

After TWO huge NO's, that meant the Trials in my life would NEVER stop..that they would be something I would wake up to EVERY day for the rest of our life...my testimony was shaken!!

My perfect little story that I had written in my head was COMPLETELY erased.. I didn’t even want to continue on and keep writing!! I wanted this book to END!!!

I had NO idea how to be a mom to a brain injured child!! On top of trying to be a wife to a blind man!! It was OVERWHELMING to say the least. I struggled in every aspect of life. I struggled physically trying to care for Dakota. He didn't sleep, he needed constant care around the clock and was physically unstable. I struggled emotionally with the loss of the boy that once was...trying to find him in this boy that I now had. Worst of all I struggled spiritually trying to understand why God was allowing all of this to happen to ME!

I didn’t think it was even possible to write a happy ending to my story! I didn’t even know if I could EVER FEEL happiness again!!!

But guess what I learned?? Through a lot of sleepless nights, pillows wet with tears, on my knees pleading to my Heavenly Father for help and mercy… I slowly came to learn  and understand that…Happiness IS NOT dependent upon circumstances…happiness comes from knowing WHO you are and WHOSE you are!!!

As hard as Satan tried to bring me down…as many hard and overwhelming days as I went through in those next few years…I could not deny my knowledge and testimony that I was a daughter of God, He created me, He LOVED me, He KNEW ME Tessie Friedli…and He had sacrificed HIS son Jesus Christ for ME…so even though there was not one single person on this earth that could understand my pain and heartache…not one single friend, sister, Not even my mom! But My Savior knew because He had suffered pains deeper then I could even imagine so that He would know how to help rescue and save ME when NO ONE else could!! Only through the loving compassion of my Savior was I able to find the hope, faith, and strength to move forward…to get out of bed and keep going!! Only then was I able to trust in my Heavenly Father’s plan for ME!! 

I knew that because my Savior had died for me and my family…one day they would be made whole again!! I stopped questioning and asking Heavenly Father WHY?! It no longer mattered why all of these bad things happened to me because I knew that 1 day I would understand everything COMPLETELY. That in my 3^rd sequence EVERYTHING would be made right!!! The pain that I felt would be compensated 100 times greater with JOY…and oh how beautiful that sounded!!

I felt like the Lord was telling me exactly what Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said has counseled: “Don’t give up. … Don’t you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. … It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come.”¹⁰

I didn’t know how or when these good things would come…I wondered how many chapters it was going to take before good things really did come…But as I put my trust in my Heavenly Father, accepted His will in my life…my eyes were opened to the blessings and beauty that was ALL around me!!!

It has been 5 years this month since Dakota’s accident. They have been some of THE HARDEST years of my life but I can say with complete honesty that they have also been the VERY BEST!! I can honestly say that if I could go back and rewrite those chapters the way I thought they should have gone I wouldn’t. Because as hard as they were, they brought me to my knees in COMPLETE humility and forced me to come to know my Heavenly Father and Savior in a way I had never before known. As I turned to them…They helped me to see who I was, to see the DIVINE NATURE inside of me and have taught me what TRUE HAPPINESS really is!!

Happiness does not come from the amount of friends or followers you have, or the number of likes you get, how good you are at sports or dance, the amount of money or talents you have…Happiness come from within…it is realizing your DIVINE nature!! It is having the ability to focus on ALL 3 sequences and allowing your life to be filled with things of eternal worth!! It is seeing who your Heavenly Father sees you as and living each day to make him proud!!

Sister Wixom in this last general conference said, “God sent you here to prepare for a future greater than anything you can imagine.”⁹ That future, a day at a time, comes alive when you do more than just exist; it comes alive when you live your life to fill the measure of your creation. This invites the Lord into your life, and you begin to let His will become yours.

Because you are His child, He knows who you can become. He knows your fears and your dreams. He relishes your potential. He waits for you to come to Him in prayer. Because you are His child, you not only need Him, but He also needs you. Those sitting around you right now in this meeting need you. The world needs you, and your divine nature allows you to be His trusted disciple to all His children.

Now I don’t know what your story entails…what types of chapters might be written in YOUR sequence. You may lose a loved one, you may struggle to have a child, you may never get married, you may battle with a debilitating illness, you may face betrayal from someone you love…There will be chapters like mine that are so hard that you wish they were NEVER written! Ones that you wish you could stop and erase! But I promise that if you can get to the end of that chapter, relying on your Saviors love, help, and strength as you go…keeping your eye on the eternal perspective you will not only make it through…but you will find JOY in your journey!! It is through those hardest of chapters that we learn, grow, progress, and become the person our Heavenly Father knew we could become!!

When Heavenly Father sent you into this second sequence he didn’t send you into it to be sad…he sent you to be happy…to share your light for ALL the world to see!

My daily life is STILL hard. I still have to help my husband and take care of ALL of Dakota’s needs…but I am happier then I have EVER been because I have learned to find joy in the simple and beautiful things in my life!!  My favorite quote is “Life Doesn’t Have to be Perfect to be WONDERFUL!”

No matter what your story has looked like in the past, looks like right now, or will look like in the future…YOU get to write the ending!! YOU get to decide if it is a happy ending…no one else can decide that for you!!

It is my hope for each one of you that you will make it to that 3rd sequence where you will get to look your maker in the eye and hear him say Well Done my Good and Faithful Servant!! And you might say back to him as Sister Reeves put it…Was that ALL that was required??

“What will it matter, dear sisters, what we suffered here if, in the end, those trials are the very things which qualify us for eternal life and exaltation in the kingdom of God with our Father and Savior?”

It is my hope and prayer that each one of you will feel the love your Heavenly Father has for YOU!! That even in your darkest of days that you will NEVER forget who you are and that that knowledge will give you the strength to keep going and to find JOY in your journey!!!

WHIRLWIND!

Whirlwind is the best way to describe our life as of late! But a GOOD kind of whirlwind not a bad...Everything about our life is falling a part kind of whirlwind...I know that one all too well and I don't want to go there again! Life is a whirlwind but in the best way possible! Zach has has had a SUPER busy landscaping summer...which means he has had lots of work which is GREAT...not for his back but for our family! ;)

WE MOVED...which is complete CHAOS (I DESPISE moving) but we are FINALLY at the place we get to call home for the next long while!!! It took 6 months to actually get our house built but the house designing, and lot finding has been over a year in the making! I still have to pinch myself that it is real! That we REALLY live here and that we aren't just visiting! It is only 3 miles from where we have been renting so for the last 6 months we have driven by and walked through almost daily! (I know we are crazy...but I TOTALLY recommend it if you are building because SO many little things come up that you notice and your builder might not or that you might want to change or add before it is too late!)

So now instead of just driving by every day, I actually get to drive HOME!!! It is SERIOUSLY our happy place!! EVERYTHING about it was thought out and planned JUST how we wanted it (with our budget in mind of course! ;))  It is DAKOTA friendly to the max and that is my FAVORITE part! Not ONE single step ANYWHERE!!! His shower is a DREAM! No more back breaking over a tub...just roll him right into the shower and stand and bathe him!

I don't have many pictures at the moment (although Zach has banned me from posting any...but not like he reads my blog anyways, so...;)) because for the last 2 weeks it has been a full force packing, moving, unpacking and cleaning of our rental!! There have been WAY too many late nights and early mornings now that school started. We have all been sick except for our healthy Dakota man (we all need to eat like him! ;))

There are still a few boxes that need going through and MUCH decorating to be done but for now we are just enjoying that we can function and live in this space! I'm not going to lie...building a house is A LOT of work...LOTS of decisions...and for this indecisive girl it maxed me out! I LOVE to decorate but all the decisions I had to make on the house have maxed me out for the moment and my mind needs a little break from any more decisions! ;)

We feel at home though! Everyone has been SO kind and welcoming and we look forward to ALL the memories that will be made here in this home...the good AND the bad...although I sure hope their are a lot less bad ones! ;)


Dakota Man started FIRST grade!!!
I still can't believe my little boy is a FIRST grader!! It is the weirdest thing but for some reason first grade was harder on me then KINDERGARTEN!! I was literally in tears the night before as I was getting him ready for bed!

As hard as summers are to keep Dakota entertained...I wasn't ready to let him leave ALL day! I was going to miss our morning runs together, his random smiles and laughs throughout the day, his sweet spirit in my home ALL day!!

BUT I knew school is a happy place for him and a place where he gets to not only learn and develop...BUT a place where he gets to share his light, touch lives, and fulfill his little mission on this earth!! I can't keep him to myself ALL the time...He has WAY too much to give! So I cried my own tears and then the next morning put on my big girl panties and sent him to school!!

He tried to make me feel better by not smiling when we got there so I wouldn't feel too bad that he wasn't going to miss me!


He didn't fool me though when the nurse sent me ALL of these pictures!!! (Having a nurse is the best because it lets you see a REAL glimpse of the day! ;))

I love that kid!!

Grammy brought him a first day of school surprise! He enjoyed it after school!

Navy is growing and changing EVERY day!!

 I just looked at her little body that doesn't walk but RUNS everywhere and I wondered what happened to my baby!! She is still a tiny little thing for her age (less then 3% in height and weight!) but she is turning more and more into a toddler every day!!

I just LOVE her little legs in skinny jeans!!


She is as sweet as pie and gives hugs and kisses (especially when you give her food)! She has learned to sign (she won't say it) please! She says thank you like a minion...Tank Uuuu. Her little voice SERIOUSLY sounds like a minion every time she says it...the way she pronounces it and everything! Her other words are mommy, daddy, more, NO :), Kota, ball, dog, milk, banky/binky (sound the same), HI is most definitely her favorite, and I can't think of more at the moment but I know there are more. She is starting to repeat a lot of words you say to her.

She LOVES her blankies...ALL of them! And still says the sweetest little prayers! She folds her arms so perfectly like this and just rambles in a soft sweet little voice. Often times she is the one reminding me at meal time by just folding her arms and starting to pray!! She is a little sweetie!!

Navy and cousin Cord! Are they just the cutest together?!


As sweet as she TRULY is and may look in this picture...she is a wild child! She runs, dances HILARIOUSLY, throws a tantrum like it's nobody's business and then is over it in less then 30 seconds, she LOVES being outside and will escape as much as she can (we need grass...where is my landscaper?! ;)), she rides her little 4 wheeler like it's going out of style, and she is just a ball of energy...everywhere and into EVERYTHING!! Church is a bit rough at the moment! ;)

She would be more then happy to play in the dirt ALL day long if you let her!

I realize picture quality is horrible! ;)

She loves her dolls but also loves tractors! ;) She got that from her brother!

You can't tell by how tiny she is but she LOVES to eat...healthy and unhealthy! ;)

She is still THE FRIENDLIEST little thing on the planet! She doesn't reach out to go to strangers anymore but she says HI to EVERYONE in this cutest, highest, enthusiastic pitch. HI-EEE! I LOVE watching people's reactions because it surprises them every time! They are like...is she talking to me?! And then she just keeps saying it over and over again!! I love how happy it makes people! She is just the brightest little light! I get so many comments from people about how happy she is. The funniest is when she says it to little kids. Just yesterday her and a little boy were like a broken record saying hi to each other back and forth even when they couldn't see each other anymore. They were shouting hi from all the way across the store!! We love her!!

The best thing of EVERYTHING...is over these past couple months their is this connection that is forming between Dakota and Navy like never before and it makes my mommy heart want to jump for joy!!

 I knew this day would come, at least I hoped it would...where they would bring each other joy and comfort. Lately, Dakota lights up more then he ever has at the sight of Navy. She makes him smile more and more often.

She not longer ignores him but she is SO aware of him and will come over and tickle his feet when he is in his chair, kiss his head when he is laying on the ground, or even climb right on top of him and ride him and make horse noises as she goes.

 

 

If she hears Dakota cry in his room she looks up, makes a gasp, says Kota, and runs to his door! She lights up when he comes home from school, and she tries to help me more and more with his cares...brushing his teeth, wiping his face, or starting his feeds.

Just the other day we were out for a bike ride. Navy was riding her 4 wheeler but it was too slow so she jumped off and ran to his bike and just wanted to push!! It was heavy but her little body worked so hard!

Her face says it all...as does Dakota's! ;)

Although neither of them can say it in words...their is a love growing between them and I hope and pray it grows stronger EVERY day!

 

 

Just a random moment where Navy was LOVING on him without ANY prompting!! Melt my heart!!


Oh how they both NEED each other! Dakota can teach Navy things that I could only dream of and Navy can bring Dakota joy only a sister can give!!

My heart is SOOO full right now and I feel a little guilty! As the recent news of my friends cancer was announced, our new neighbor who just lost her husband, friends who are trying and trying to have a child with no success, watching those I love dear go through divorces and battle addictions, watching some of my heroes like Mckindree battle EVERY day with her transplant, seeing other friends who are fighting with their children in the hospital EVERY day, hearing accidents of another child almost daily on the news...I feel guilty that things in my life are calm, because I have been in the storm and I know how dark and difficult each day is!! I don't take ALL of these blessings for granted! I know we will each go through our highs and lows and I am not naive AT ALL to think that things will always be this good! But for this moment I will continually count my many blessings and thank my Heavenly Father for these happiest of days...and then I will go and do my very best to help lighten the load of someone else today...that they may have the strength to get through their storm and find THEIR rainbow waiting for them at the end!!
As much as we would like, we can't take away others pains and trials...they are theirs to experience, learn and grow from BUT we can help lighten their load and help them carry their burdens by loving, serving, and being there for them through it all. As many times as I prayed for Heavenly Father to give me a miracle...to heal my boys and take away my burdens (too many to count!) I can honestly say I am grateful he did not! I didn't know it at the time but He knew what I needed. He knew it would take me a lot of sleepless nights, pillows wet with tears, and time on my knees to learn the things that I needed to learn. If I hadn't had my turn in the storm I wouldn't be able to fully appreciate THESE tender  miracles and blessings I am experiencing RIGHT NOW!! I know for a fact that the greater the pain that we feel...the greater our ability is to feel JOY!! I know it because I am experiencing it!! My life is still VERY hard, BUT I feel a greater sense of peace and happiness then I EVER have in my WHOLE life!! THAT IS MY MIRACLE!!

May we all take the time to look outside of our own little worlds and lift someone in need TODAY!! May we be the hands that help lift the weary....giving them strength and hope to make it through another day!! How grateful I am for all of the angels in my life that NEVER let me give up...that carried me when I was down and gave me the strength to endure!!

Why WE Love Dakota…Grammy

This is the last day of Dakota’s “birthday month!” I have to say a HUGE thank you to EVERYONE who wrote a post for me and all those who were able to read these amazing posts. I know for me, being Dakota’s mom, they have been EXTREMELY special, touching, and emotional to read! They have strengthened my faith and testimony that this VERY hard trial I have been asked to bear has been worth it all!! Even though every day is a challenge and my heart still aches for the boy I once knew…I am understanding more and more the bigger picture and plan that my Heavenly Father had for Dakota! I am SO grateful for the true “angel” he has become and the MANY lessons he has taught me and those who have been blessed to know him! I truly feel it a privilege to be his mom and I thank EVERYONE from the bottom of my heart for your love, support, and encouragement that you continually give to our family!!

I must end this birthday month to Dakota with words from his Grammy (also known as Vicki, Zach’s mom). Besides Zach and I, her and Poppy (her husband aka Doug) have spent THE MOST time with Dakota and have loved him unconditionally!! Dakota was their very first grandchild and they were THE MOST excited grandparents you have ever seen. They would joke with the 3 kids in Zach’s family that were married (we all got married in the same year) that whoever had the first baby would get free diapers for a year. That’s how bad they wanted a grandbaby!! When Dakota came into the world they were right there to welcome him and love him from day 1. Ever since that day he has been and continues to be spoiled rotten (NOT REALLY ROTTEN ;) ) from these 2 amazing people!!

When they got the phone call about Dakota’s accident they immediately flew down to AZ (since that is where it happened while we were visiting my family) and stayed with us the whole 3 weeks we were there!! They put their lives, their jobs, EVERTYHING on hold to be there to support and help us and Dakota through the hardest time in our lives. They talked about leaving at the 2 week mark but even though I never told them to stay…they must have known in their hearts how desperately Zach and I needed them there, so they stayed!! She is not my birth mom but I love and adore her just as much as my own mom!!

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When we were finally home with Dakota after the accident, these 2 were helping us EVERY week religiously because we were struggling so bad emotionally and physically to manage this new life we were trying to deal with! They would come up to give Zach and I a date night EVERY weekend which I’m sure they could have used for themselves! On top of that they would come up whenever they knew we were having a hard day or we had been up all night with Dakota just to give us a break or a rest. Even though they don’t come up weekly anymore they will be here ANY time we EVER need it! I really don’t know what we would do without them!!

They too have been a strong support for both Zach and I emotionally and spiritually! They have seen more then their fair share of tears then they probably ever needed! They have helped us through the different stages of grief as we transitioned from disbelief, sadness, anger, etc and they have been patient, loving, and understanding through it all! I have never felt like there was anything I couldn't share with Vicki or ever felt as if she judged me for feeling a certain way! She always seems to have the perfect things to say, story or scripture to share, or just a hug to bring us comfort when we needed it most!



They are THE MOST fun grandparents you have ever seen and their love for Dakota and ALL of their grandchildren is truly AMAZING!! They go above and beyond in their call to be grandparents and parents!!

 

Here are Grammy’s sweet words:

My sweet little Dakota,

Where do I begin to tell you of my love for you. My heart was so full of love for you even before you came to this earth.

I remember with joy, the day you were born. You were the first one to make me a 'Grammy.'  I will forever be grateful to your parents for that.



I remember that moment that your Daddy walked down the hall with you all swaddled up moments after your birth, with tears in his eyes.  That moment changed my life forever. It is written in my heart.



Little did I know you would continue to change my life from that moment on.  I always knew you were a special boy. I've never seen such a content baby that never fusses and is always happy.  I would always tell your parents, "You have no idea what an angel baby he is!"  Even the best babies cry.  You showed us right from the start that you loved life and were so happy to be here.

You also have been a fighter right from the very start.  You overcame challenges from your first few days of life.  You have always had that inner-strength that now looking back we didn't realize you would need to get through what was to come.



Your little family has faced many trials. All that you have faced testifies that you were meant to come into the family you were born into.  Heavenly Father chose one of his righteous, loving daughters to be your mommy.  He led her to find someone so full of love for her that they could face anything together.

 

Your daddy would experience his own trial first, so that they would be prepared  to undertake the challenges of mortality that they would face together. When your Daddy lost his sight, you were the rainbow after the storm. During those trying times, he would always ask to hold you.  You gave him the will to keep going. You lit up his darkness. You still do! 



Before the accident, we would always want to steal you and keep you for hours at a time.  You got to where you would want to come home with us whenever we were together.  Your mom and dad would say to you as we would take you, "Be sweet!"  You would say okay as if that was your ticket to go.  I remember a week or so before the accident you stretched out your arms for Poppy at church (wanting to go home with us) and looked at your parents, "I BE SWEET?"  As if to say,"PLEASE let me go." Those are some of the last words we remember you saying to us.

You continue to BE SWEET every time we are around you.  It is the sweetness of your spirit we feel now.  It whispers to me every time I hold you.  I love being in the quiet when I am alone with you.  You comfort me, you calm me, you give me a sense of complete peace.  You help me to understand that trials can strengthen us and change us in ways we never thought possible. 

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You have taught me to trust in my Heavenly Father and that his will is what is meant for us in our lives.  He knows what we need, and what will change our hearts.  You were the vehicle through which many lives were touched and forever changed.  You have taught us so much and continue to teach us the worth of a soul.  Your precious little soul. 

Even though your life is lived in a body with limitations you have so much to give that others can't give us. I am so grateful that Heavenly Father let you keep your smile. He knew we needed it.  I don't know where all of us would be without that smile.   It lets us know you feel joy.  It has been a precious gift.  I remember seeing it the first time probably months after you were hurt.  I can't describe how happy we were to see that on your sweet little face.  We cried! We never imagined we would see that again. It's amazing what small things we should be grateful for.


(FIRST SMILES)

Dakota, I know you were allowed to stay with us because you were willing to teach us to be more like our Savior Jesus Christ. I am grateful to you for you being righteous enough and worthy to be able to do that for us.I will forever be grateful to our Heavenly Father for his mercy.

Thank you for loving us enough to be willing to sacrifice the things we take for granted so that you could continually mold us into what we need to become so that we can be worthy to live as a family in Heaven. 

The day you were hurt, when I saw you lying there in the hospital I thought my heart would break.  I look back on that day now, and my heart is mending. It still hurts, but you have shown me heartache can bring strength.



I have a quote I have framed in my house that says, Perhaps strength doesn't reside in having never been broken, but in the courage required to grow strong in the broken places.


I always have dreams that you are running towards me with your arms outstretched, ready to wrap around me and I hear your voice say "I love you Grammy!"  That is Heaven to me!  I know that day will come and I know you will say to us, "I BE SWEET and that's why I did all this for you!" 

For now, I will snuggle you and take in all that you continually give me.  I am so grateful for your life and the blessing you are to me.

I love you Kota-bug!  You are a precious gift to me.  I am so blessed to be your Grammy. XOXO
                     
  I love........your shoulders when you giggle, kissing the back of your little neck, your cute little toes,
                        putting your arms around me, your stick skinny little legs, our finger kisses, our prayers together,
                        kissing your baby lotion face, reading stories, your smiles, getting you up from a nap, bath-time giggles,
                        holding your hand for as long as I want, how you roll over, feeding you treats, long walks together,
                        singing in the car, laying on the grass together, sleep-overs, just holding you.

VICKI/GRAMMY THANK YOU SO SO MUCH FOR BEING THERE FOR US AND DAKOTA THROUGH EVERYTHING! THANK YOU FOR RAISING A SON THAT WOULD BECOME THE WORLDS GREATEST HUSBAND AND DAD…SO FULL OF LOVE!! THANK YOU FOR LOVING DAKOTA WITH ALL OF YOUR HEART!
WE LOVE YOU!!!

10 THINGS TO GET YOU THROUGH!!

I had the lucky/unlucky ;) opportunity to speak to a group of woman at a church event. (In the LDS world it is called a relief society). One of my friend's in that ward asked me to come and speak about my trials and what has gotten me through them.

I have said it before and I'll say it again...public speaking is not one of my most favorite things to do! I'm a little shy and don't love the spotlight. But as it always is, it is an opportunity for me to learn and grow more for myself then for anyone else...so I gladly/reluctantly agreed to do it.

Speaking about my life's trials is the easy part...there is PLENTY to say there! ;) BUT taking the time to think about what SPECIFICALLY has gotten me through them was a sweet experience. I have already got a page on my blog entitled What Gets us Through. This list is the general basic list that has helped us through the hardest of times. But I took the time to really think about what has gotten me through the day to day trials that I deal with on a regular basis. As I prayed and thought about them in the weeks leading up to my talk...one or two would pop into my head until I came up with exactly 10 that I think sum it all up.

DISCLAIMER: ALL trials are SO different and unique in and of themselves so what has helped me, might not help you. I think often times there are unique things that may help someone through something that may not help someone else. So by no means am I trying to tell you how to deal with YOUR trial. But maybe...just maybe...one, two, or maybe all ten might help at least one person that reads this. If so...I will be SO SO happy!!

I think life is SO hard and we are all trying are very best. If we are willing to open up and share are lowest of low times as well as our highest of highs and what we have learned from it all...we can all help each other! I still feel like I am learning on a daily basis. I am still climbing this crazy mountain trying to just get a glimpse of the top. I have learned a lot on my way up and I feel like my mountain is not quite as steep as it once was but I know I still have SO much to learn and to do to get to where I want to be and where my Heavenly Father wants me to be!!

BUT the Apostle Peter said, "Be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh...a reason for the hope that is in you."

So here they are in no particular order!

1. Look for your DAILY blessings!

It is SO easy to dwell on the hard and crappy things in your life but it takes real effort to look for the blessings that are all around you. It took Ashley Sullenger to comment on my blog and tell me how lucky I am to get to hold, love, and experience life with Dakota to get me out of my sadness of missing the boy I HAD and appreciate the blessings of the boy I HAVE. Learn to appreciate the simple things in life. Dakota's smile is my BIGGEST blessing these days! I promise if you take the time to look around you will be "counting your many blessings" and find JOY in each day, instead of misery!

2. Learn to Laugh

I really believe "laughter is the best medicine." There are a lot of things that could offend or make you mad but if you learn to laugh at them instead it makes life SO much more enjoyable. There are a million and one comments people say to or about Dakota or Zach that we could be easily offended by, but we just laugh and see the good intentions behind it all! I love Elder Worthlin's quote, "Come what may and love it.”

3. Your Future is as bright as your faith!

You all know my favorite quote that is on the top of my blog, "Your life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful." It is TRUE!! I promise! YOU determine your happiness and your future...not the events in your life! 

There is SO much to look forward to!!!!

D&C 58: 2-4 "...he that is faithful in tribulation, the reward of the same is greater in the kingdom of heaven. For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet but it is nigh at hand."

4. Read your scriptures and words of the latter day prophets and apostles.

There are SO many people in the scriptures that have been through the ringer themselves!! They have written down their lives and experiences for OUR benefit...to help YOU and ME through this difficult journey of life. If you take the time to really read and study them you will find specific answers and help to get you through ANYTHING!

5. Go to the temple often

 I wrote a blog entry about going there recently after Dakota's accident. There is PEACE inside those walls! Since the Brigham City temple opened around the same time Dakota started school I made a goal to try to go once a week. I didn't make it EVERY week but it was pretty close. EVERY time I left there I left  a better person then when I went in. It gave me an hour or two to leave my troubles at the door and focus on something great! I left with strength to take on all my challenges...at least until the next visit! ;)

6. PRAY, PRAY, PRAY

If there is ANYONE who wants to listen to ALL your troubles and help you through them it is your Heavenly Father. He is EAGER to help but you must come to him. Communicate your feelings, your fears, and your worries...He is there and will listen when no one else is!

7. Lose yourself in SERVICE

There is nothing that can bring you more joy and take your mind off of your own trials then serving others. If you look, it is SO easy to find someone in need of service...sometimes overwhelming at times. But when you give of yourself, your time, and your love...the trials you are facing are easily forgotten. You become more like your Savior and forget about yourself.

8. Take it 1 day at a time

Sometimes trials are overwhelming and you don't see ANY light at the end of the tunnel. I have A LOT of fears about the future. How will I take care of Dakota as he gets bigger?? Will we ever feel capable and ready to have another child?? I am COMPLETELY unsure of how everything is going to workout and look and that is SCARY to say the least. BUT I have learned, "Don't waste today worrying about tomorrow." If I focus on TODAY and what I need to do to get through today I can handle it! I do what I can for today and trust that my Heavenly Father will be there to help me get through the tomorrows.

9. Remember you are NEVER alone!!

I have felt at times that NO ONE can understand and no one can help me! But I have learned that my Savior has been with me through it ALL! He has outstretched arms willing and wanting to help IF we let him!

My favorite scripture is, D&C 84:88

“For I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you to bear you up.”

10. Trust in your Heavenly Father's plan for YOU

This has been by far the hardest lesson for me to learn. I think I know what's best and I think I know how my life should look and it doesn't look ANYTHING like it's supposed to!!! But I have come to truly know and understand that there is SO much more to this life then I can comprehend and see in my limited knowledge and view. I know my Heavenly Father sees the big picture...the end from the beginning...and He and only He knows EXACTLY what I need. It has been hard to accept that I may not get all the answers to all my "Whys" right now! But I know as I trust in my Heavenly Father one day I will understand. I have already seen some of the HUGE blessings that have come from Him messing up MY plans! And I am grateful that He loves me enough to let me struggle through my trials to learn and become who He wants me to be. I can only imagine how hard that must be for Him to not step in and fix it all when He most definitely could...just as we as parents have to let our kids learn the hard way sometimes too!

I shared this AMAZING video at the end that my AMAZING sister Annie sent me. I'm kind of obsessed with it so I thought I would share it on here too!