It's been a really rough week around the Friedli household. It all started last Tuesday when I rolled my ankle really bad running. I knew running was my outlet but I didn't realize how much I really need it until I had to take this whole week off because I ended up spraining my ankle. I didn't realize how much those endorphines or whatever happens to your body when you exercise keep me going and at least somewhat upbeat. I ran again for the first time again tonight and although I still don't feel 100% I feel a little better emotionally.
Along with the lack of running came a lack of sleep. Dakota has been consistantly sleeping through the night now for a couple of months and oh how we appreciate that. He has come such a long way in that department which has helped us drastically. No sleep can really do a number on you physically and emotionally. Well this week did not go so well...why?...who really knows. That's what Zach and I have come to realize with a brain injury...there is really no rhym or reason to ANYTHING and if you try and think of the millions of possibilities of what could be causing this or that, it is useless cuz in the end...no one knows...not even the doctors. So it is frustrating to say the least. Two mornings this last week he decided to wake up at 3:45 and 4 in the morning and one night he decided not to go to bed until 3:30. All of this is on top of all of the medications, essential oils, prayers, andwhatever else you can think of to get and keep this kid asleep. Luckily Zach's sweet parents have come and resued us after these long mornings so we can get some sleep but it doesn't take away the frustration of taking steps backwards.
I have found myself every day this week telling Heavenly Father..."I can't do this anymore!" I want to give up every day but it really isn't possible because this is our life and there is no going back. Oh how much I wish I could go back to November 26th and hold Dakota in my arms all day so that fence could not have fallen on him. I miss that little boy SO much it physically hurts. It's crazy how much you can miss someone that is right in front of you. Don't get me wrong I still love him to pieces but nothing is the same and I miss his hugs, his smiles, his talking, his laughs, his footsteps, his hands holding mine, his hugs, his kisses, his personality, his EVERYTHING! I pray every day that Heavenly Father will help me to see that same boy in him...sometimes I do...and sometimes I feel like I am holding a stranger. I feel like someone kidnapped my little boy and gave me another who looks exactly like him but is completely different.
I have found myself questioning God a lot this week. Asking him why???? Why my little boy? WHy do we have to go through SO much? Why don't we deserve a miracle? Why do you hear of SO many others who go through a trial but it ends miraculously and all is well? We have been through TWO Major things and have had faith and hope for a miracle and still have not recieved it...WHY? Are we not deserving? What does it take? I know this life is a test but why does it feel like it never ends? Where is the light at the end of the tunnel...I cannot see it anywhere. Why do you not hear my prayers? Why??? I feel guilty after questioning God so much because I know he sees the bigger picture and knows what is best but it is hard not to.
I was so grateful for a member in a bishopric in a ward I just happened to attend last Sunday because we slept through ours (it was one of those nights). I was grateful for his humility and honesty as he bore his testimony. His family had been going through a trial and they had prayed and fasted for a result but the exact opposite happened and they were struggling. He admitted questioning God himself this same way. Even his testimony and faith was shaken. He encouraged those who felt this way to pray to know God's will for them and to just do the very best you can with what you have been given. So this is what I have been trying to do. I don't know if I will ever know God's will for us...at least not for a long time...but I am trying to do the best I can with what I have been given. Some days it's not much and others it is more.
I have struggled also because Dakota's birthday is tomorrow. Yes, it should be an exciting and happy time but I am struggling with it. One, because as I try and figure out what to get him and I see all of the things he WOULD have loved but no longer cares for...it hurts. When I think about how to decorate or what cake to make I realize it really doesn't matter because he isn't going to care...he can't even eat his own birthday cake this year. The last two years he has had his very own cake and this year he can't even have a bite. I struggle with him turning another year older because it means that it is more time of his childhood that I am missing what he would have been...what he would have accomplished by now. Every day that passes without my healthy boy is hard.
So...as you can see I am a wreck! I often wonder if the saying is true...God won't give you more then you can handle...because I think I am maxed out and ready for a big fat miracle....or at least right now a normal nights sleep...I'll take whatever I can get at this point!