5 Years an Angel: Finding Joy in the Journey

I have OBVIOUSLY been neglecting this blog, much to my dismay!! There is SOOO many things I have wanted to sit down and write about (Dakota's killer Halloween costume Zach built, Navy is 18 months, how I randomly decided to become a permanent makeup artist, Zach's new Germavoid product we are working on, and life) mostly for my own memory. But life has been CRAZIER then ever lately and there has not been enough time in ANY day to be honest!! It is a good crazy though so I can't complain!!

It is 2:30 A.M. I'm MORE then tired. It has been a long but great Thanksgiving surrounded by our wonderful family we love BUT I couldn't lay my head on my pillow tonight without dedicating a post to sweet Dakota...because let's face it...this is really HIS blog, not mine!! Any that still read this read it because of HIM...because of the SWEET, SWEET spirit they feel through each picture and post that he is in. It ALWAYS amazes me at how even through a simple picture people can feel what I feel in his presence. It is AMAZING. So for him...I post!

5 years ago our lives were changed!! I thought for the worst. I relived that day yesterday as we had Dakota's quarterly check up at Primary Children's Hospital. They built a new outpatient wing, separate but connected to the hospital recently, so we rarely walk the same halls we once did. But this particular appointment they told me he could get a flu shot while we were there but we would have to walk over to the pharmacy connected to the hospital. No big deal!! But on this particular night as we approached his 5 year anniversary the next day...being in those same halls, eating the same cafeteria food, it was different. I allowed myself to relive those dark, difficult, and life changing days. I observed my surroundings and watched the people, staff and parents. My heart ached as I watched a dad walk in with his pillow and suitcase, the woman carrying in a large ziploc baggy full of breast milk. I ached that they would be spending their Thanksgiving here...in a hospital. I longed to stop them, hug them, and tell them to NEVER give up!! That the light WILL come and there will be GREAT blessings and happiness ahead. Your future REALLY is as bright as your faith as President Monson has said!!

I didn't as I'm sure they would have thought I was a crazy lady and called security on me!!

But my message tonight is just that!! I have learned A LOT of life changing things over these past 5-6 years from Zach's blindness to Dakota's accident to now. I am a COMPLETELY different Tessie Friedli then I once was. My life was changed, my perspective is different, and my focus is forever better...thanks to my dang trials that I wished had NEVER come as I was living through them.


I have been asked to speak at several different types of settings..woman, young woman, and youth over the past few years. Public speaking is NOT my favorite thing...AT ALL!! But I have never said no, (except once only because it was soon after Navy would be born) because I feel that if I can help just 1 person in my lifetime through their life and trials then ALL of the sleepless nights, tears, and heartache I have experienced is not in vain. Helping others is what gives purpose to the madness. EVERY time I speak my own testimony of EVERYTHING I have learned and gained through my challenges are strengthened and I am reminded over and over how important the lessons I have learned truly are!!

Each time I have been asked to speak the focus/topic has always been a little different although each time they want me to share my story...because let's face it...I AM my story!! It has defined who I am. Just a couple weeks ago I spoke to a group of Young Woman. They asked me to share about Finding Joy in the Journey. Tonight as I sit here on this 5 year anniversary I want to share what I shared with them because EACH and EVERY person on this entire planet will experience pain, heartache, and sadness. It is part of our earthly experience. I don't know what it will look like for each person...but I can promise it will come. But the great thing is...it is not our life experiences that define us...it is what we CHOOSE to do with them that determine who we are and how happy we can be!! No matter what has happened in your past, what you are facing now, or what your future holds...YOU get to decide whether your story has a happy ending...no one else can!!!


SO...in honor of Dakota...Here is what I shared in hopes that whoever may read this can learn to find JOY in their Journey because as I LOVE to say, "Life Doesn't Have to be Perfect to be Wonderful!"


At the end of this post I made a slideshow of OUR story to date. I am not a technologically advanced person so I won't tell you how many hours it took me to do this! LOL!! But it represents our story, our fight. I chose to do it to the Fight Song because I feel like life is a fight at times...sometimes we are winning and sometimes we are down. I LOVE this song and so does my whole family!! We blast it in our home or in the car and Zach and I sing like we are on stage, Dakota smiles, Navy dances and then as soon as it ends she says "GO!" (which means play it again.) So ENJOY and keep on fighting!!


JOY IN THE JOURNEY!

Tonight they asked me to talk about how I have found joy in MY journey!! I have been pondering this thought and I feel like our lives, our journey, is broken up in to a 3 sequence story!!

First sequence of our story involves our pre-earth life…when we were just cute little spirits flying around naked without a body to clothe us!! The second sequence to that story is the here and now…our Earth life. The last sequence of our story is our return home back into the presence of our loving Heavenly Father!!! It’s a book that we can’t even comprehend because we have NEVER experienced, read or seen anything like it!!

I don’t know for sure what it was like in the first sequence but I can imagine our Heavenly Father sitting down with us and preparing us for the 2^nd sequence. Telling us what might happen in each chapter. I’m sure he explained to us that it was going to be REALLY hard at times but that He would ALWAYS be with us to help us through. I can imagine Him taking the time to explain that this was THE MOST important sequence to be written because we would be the co-authors of this story. We would make choices that would determine how this book would end and what the last sequence would entail. I can only imagine how many time He probably told us to REMEMBER who we are!! Reminding us of who He created us to become and how important, valued, and special we were and telling us HOW BADLY he wanted us to return back to live with Him again!! The feeling we must have felt as we left His presence and came to earth I’m sure was pretty powerful!!

So here we are!! Each one of us at different points in our story. Have we ALREADY forgotten who we are, where we came from, and why we are here??? I hope not! I hope that you will NEVER forget that!!

You girls are still at the beginning of your stories… with SO much yet to be written. SO many choices and decision to make…and so many unexpected surprises along the way. I’m about 32 years into my story and I can tell you…It has been quite the duesy!! Trust me…you will want to read this!!! It is better then any scary movie or reality show you have EVER seen!! I’m thinking I should get my own show…keeping up with the Friedlis. I’m totally kidding…kind of!!!

But I started off chapter 18…leaving YW and out into the big wide world. I was ready for this new and exciting chapter in my book!! I had a whole rough draft already written in my head of EXACTLY the way that I thought it should and would go! I was going to meet my handsome returned missionary prince charming, get married in the temple, have 5 or 6 beautiful and amazing babies, live in a big beautiful white picket fence house, and be THE WORLDS BEST mom and wife EVERY day!! My happy ending looked good!!!!! Now don’t raise your hand…but how many of you have your rough draft all perfectly written like me, ready to send to the printer for a final draft?!

Well don’t hit print because guess what?! We don’t ALWAYS get to choose what happens in each chapter!!!! Your life will never go exactly the way you had planned. If it does…I want you to find me because I will probably want your autograph or take a picture with you or SOMETHING!!!

I do have to brag…I DID get to meet my handsome prince charming and I DO have 2 BEAUTIFUL children BUT that is about all that got printed in my book! There was A LOT of editing to be done between all the lines!!!

My handsome husband and I got married in January 2007 in the beautiful Mesa, AZ temple. This was THE BEST and MOST important decision I have EVER made in my WHOLE life!!  I can’t stress to you girls enough how important that decision of who to marry is. It doesn’t just affect you, it affects your family, your children, and your future posterity. It will affect EVERY chapter of your book so make that decision with LOTS of prayer and DON’T COMPROMISE your standards!

We gave birth to our sweet son Dakota in August of 2008. I was a stay at home mom and he was running his own landscaping company and going to school. Life was good…although I didn’t realize how good it really was at the time.

In August of 2009 just a short week before our darling boy was going to turn 1… My husband was driving to work and realized cars were passing him on left side and he wasn't seeing them till they were in front of him. He had already lost complete sight in his right eye at the age of 15 so he knew this was not a good sign. We went immediately into the eye doctor and they told him that it wasn't looking good. His optic nerve was swelling and if they didn't stop it he would lose his sight in his only good eye.

We spent the next 3 weeks in the hospital as the doctors did everything they could to stop the swelling and save his sight.

Now I can tell you right now…this was NOT part of my rough draft plan!! We were scared to death!! My husband and I spent every second of every hour PLEADING to the Lord to grant us a miracle. I had read lots of scriptures of how Jesus had healed the blind man and I thought…why not this blind man?! HE is a good of man as any!! He has kept the commandments, he is temple worthy, he DESERVES this miracle.

As many times as we prayed and as much faith as we had…he still woke up EVERY morning seeing less and less until he was pronounced legally blind and could no longer see mine or my son’s face but just the shadowy outlines of our bodies.

This was devastating!!

I learned the hardest lesson I had EVER learned at this point in life...that sometimes no matter how much faith we have or how many times we pray to get the answer we so desperately think is right...Heavenly Father is truly the one that knows what is best for us! He sees the end from the beginning. He knows us inside and out! This is why he is the co-author of our life! He gets to add in sections to our book that we don’t always think should be there because we don’t know how it ends!!

Life got REALLY complicated for us as you can imagine. Life from that point on was different and it was hard. But together and with the support of friends, family, ward members, and most importantly our Savior we were learning to “get by.” I was helping him with his school work, miraculously he was still landscaping although it was far from easy.

About 1 year later our story took another turn for the worse!

In November of 2010 our son Dakota who was now 2 at the time, was outside playing at my parents house in AZ with his cousins. There were lots of family and friends inside and out of the house setting up and getting things ready for my brother's wedding reception that night. I was inside cutting vegetables and my husband came in from outside and asked me to go check on Dakota since he hadn’t seen him in a little while. Dakota was always the sweetest most cautious kid ever so I wasn’t worried…. I went to check on him to see what he was doing and found him lying under a fence panel totally blue in the face, no heart beat, and no pulse.

The worst fear of EVERY parent had come upon me. I received the hardest news I had EVER received from the doctor when he said he wasn't sure if Dakota would live or die and if he did live he didn't know what kind of recovery he would make from the brain damage that was done. As we sat by our only child's bedside unsure of what was going to happen, I felt COMPLETE helplessness!!

This chapter was NEVER supposed to be written in MY story!! This kind of thing only happened to OTHER people NOT ME!!

I turned to the only person that could help me and poured out my heart to my Heavenly Father to save my little boy!! To not let this chapter end the way I feared it could end! I knew that heavenly Father knew me and loved me! I knew that He was fully aware of my situation. I knew that He knew how much we needed Dakota in our already dark and difficult world!

But this time the answer was yes...he can stay...but NO he won't get to make a full recovery and be the boy that he once was. The 2 year old active little boy that I had watched go out to play that day was now a different little boy who couldn't walk, talk, eat, or even breathe on his own. He was physically with us but I felt like he was gone!! 

After TWO huge NO's, that meant the Trials in my life would NEVER stop..that they would be something I would wake up to EVERY day for the rest of our life...my testimony was shaken!!

My perfect little story that I had written in my head was COMPLETELY erased.. I didn’t even want to continue on and keep writing!! I wanted this book to END!!!

I had NO idea how to be a mom to a brain injured child!! On top of trying to be a wife to a blind man!! It was OVERWHELMING to say the least. I struggled in every aspect of life. I struggled physically trying to care for Dakota. He didn't sleep, he needed constant care around the clock and was physically unstable. I struggled emotionally with the loss of the boy that once was...trying to find him in this boy that I now had. Worst of all I struggled spiritually trying to understand why God was allowing all of this to happen to ME!

I didn’t think it was even possible to write a happy ending to my story! I didn’t even know if I could EVER FEEL happiness again!!!

But guess what I learned?? Through a lot of sleepless nights, pillows wet with tears, on my knees pleading to my Heavenly Father for help and mercy… I slowly came to learn  and understand that…Happiness IS NOT dependent upon circumstances…happiness comes from knowing WHO you are and WHOSE you are!!!

As hard as Satan tried to bring me down…as many hard and overwhelming days as I went through in those next few years…I could not deny my knowledge and testimony that I was a daughter of God, He created me, He LOVED me, He KNEW ME Tessie Friedli…and He had sacrificed HIS son Jesus Christ for ME…so even though there was not one single person on this earth that could understand my pain and heartache…not one single friend, sister, Not even my mom! But My Savior knew because He had suffered pains deeper then I could even imagine so that He would know how to help rescue and save ME when NO ONE else could!! Only through the loving compassion of my Savior was I able to find the hope, faith, and strength to move forward…to get out of bed and keep going!! Only then was I able to trust in my Heavenly Father’s plan for ME!! 

I knew that because my Savior had died for me and my family…one day they would be made whole again!! I stopped questioning and asking Heavenly Father WHY?! It no longer mattered why all of these bad things happened to me because I knew that 1 day I would understand everything COMPLETELY. That in my 3^rd sequence EVERYTHING would be made right!!! The pain that I felt would be compensated 100 times greater with JOY…and oh how beautiful that sounded!!

I felt like the Lord was telling me exactly what Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said has counseled: “Don’t give up. … Don’t you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. … It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come.”¹⁰

I didn’t know how or when these good things would come…I wondered how many chapters it was going to take before good things really did come…But as I put my trust in my Heavenly Father, accepted His will in my life…my eyes were opened to the blessings and beauty that was ALL around me!!!

It has been 5 years this month since Dakota’s accident. They have been some of THE HARDEST years of my life but I can say with complete honesty that they have also been the VERY BEST!! I can honestly say that if I could go back and rewrite those chapters the way I thought they should have gone I wouldn’t. Because as hard as they were, they brought me to my knees in COMPLETE humility and forced me to come to know my Heavenly Father and Savior in a way I had never before known. As I turned to them…They helped me to see who I was, to see the DIVINE NATURE inside of me and have taught me what TRUE HAPPINESS really is!!

Happiness does not come from the amount of friends or followers you have, or the number of likes you get, how good you are at sports or dance, the amount of money or talents you have…Happiness come from within…it is realizing your DIVINE nature!! It is having the ability to focus on ALL 3 sequences and allowing your life to be filled with things of eternal worth!! It is seeing who your Heavenly Father sees you as and living each day to make him proud!!

Sister Wixom in this last general conference said, “God sent you here to prepare for a future greater than anything you can imagine.”⁹ That future, a day at a time, comes alive when you do more than just exist; it comes alive when you live your life to fill the measure of your creation. This invites the Lord into your life, and you begin to let His will become yours.

Because you are His child, He knows who you can become. He knows your fears and your dreams. He relishes your potential. He waits for you to come to Him in prayer. Because you are His child, you not only need Him, but He also needs you. Those sitting around you right now in this meeting need you. The world needs you, and your divine nature allows you to be His trusted disciple to all His children.

Now I don’t know what your story entails…what types of chapters might be written in YOUR sequence. You may lose a loved one, you may struggle to have a child, you may never get married, you may battle with a debilitating illness, you may face betrayal from someone you love…There will be chapters like mine that are so hard that you wish they were NEVER written! Ones that you wish you could stop and erase! But I promise that if you can get to the end of that chapter, relying on your Saviors love, help, and strength as you go…keeping your eye on the eternal perspective you will not only make it through…but you will find JOY in your journey!! It is through those hardest of chapters that we learn, grow, progress, and become the person our Heavenly Father knew we could become!!

When Heavenly Father sent you into this second sequence he didn’t send you into it to be sad…he sent you to be happy…to share your light for ALL the world to see!

My daily life is STILL hard. I still have to help my husband and take care of ALL of Dakota’s needs…but I am happier then I have EVER been because I have learned to find joy in the simple and beautiful things in my life!!  My favorite quote is “Life Doesn’t Have to be Perfect to be WONDERFUL!”

No matter what your story has looked like in the past, looks like right now, or will look like in the future…YOU get to write the ending!! YOU get to decide if it is a happy ending…no one else can decide that for you!!

It is my hope for each one of you that you will make it to that 3rd sequence where you will get to look your maker in the eye and hear him say Well Done my Good and Faithful Servant!! And you might say back to him as Sister Reeves put it…Was that ALL that was required??

“What will it matter, dear sisters, what we suffered here if, in the end, those trials are the very things which qualify us for eternal life and exaltation in the kingdom of God with our Father and Savior?”

It is my hope and prayer that each one of you will feel the love your Heavenly Father has for YOU!! That even in your darkest of days that you will NEVER forget who you are and that that knowledge will give you the strength to keep going and to find JOY in your journey!!!

4 Yrs Post Accident...Greatest Investment!

As we hit our 4 year anniversary today…my emotions run a little high. Not high with sadness but with gratitude. Gratitude for how far we have come…for ALL that we have learned…and for the blessing of having a literal angel in my home to love on, learn from, and enjoy!

 

 I recently read this quote and it has become one of favorites…maybe because it is by one of my favorite people too! ;) "You will come to KNOW that what appears today to be a SACRIFICE will prove instead to be the greatest INVESTMENT that you will ever make." Gordon B. Hinckley 

 

4 years ago  I wouldn’t have believed this…heck even 2 years ago! I felt like my world was falling apart and that I would never be able to move on!  I felt I was being asked to sacrifice too much and I didn’t think it was fair. I was STILL learning to cope with the physical and emotional struggles of Zach losing his sight and now this!! I was in a dark place!!

 

As 4 years have passed and as I have SACRIFICED DAILY for my little Dakota man…I have SLOWLY come to realize every tear, every sleepless night, every painful cry for help, every fear of the future, EVERY physical and emotional sacrifice I have made and will continue to make has become THE GREATEST INVESTMENT I have ever made and continue to make. And although some days are still hard as heck, some days I’m still learning patience and all kinds of hard lessons, some days I still tear up and just wish my life was “normal” (especially the other day when I flew by myleslf with these 2 kids to AZ), and some days  I still fear and wonder about the future…I can see now that it is ALL worth it!! There IS a purpose behind all of this madness!!

 

 

They say time heals and I’m here to say it doesn’t! The only healer through ANY struggle or trial is Christ! Time just ALLOWS us to come to know and lean upon our Savior so that HE can teach us, show us the way, and HEAL us…because that takes time. It doesn’t happen overnight. To REALLY come to know and rely upon our Savior we have to dig deep. We have to yearn for and TRULY work for it (praying, studying, pondering, and listening)…and often times it takes sacrifice, pain, and trials that force us to our knees to get there!

 

Because of the help and strength of my Savior, I have learned some of the most powerful lessons in these 4 years. He has allowed me to see and focus on the bigger picture…to see Dakota for who he really is…a VERY brave soul! A little boy that has a GREAT purpose here on this earth…to light up the lives of everyone he meets…especially his mom and dad’s!! To teach others how to LOVE sincerely and to give others a tiny glimpse into heaven!! ;) And it is MY job as his mom to HELP him fulfill it!

 

Zach has decided that Dakota’s sweet smile is titled a “Welcome to Heaven” smile! The first time he told me that I laughed because it was so random but as he described his feelings it made complete sense. He just said that when you see Dakota’s smile it made him feel like that is the kind of smile you will get when you go to heaven. When you get there, there will be someone with a sweet angelic face and smile welcoming you…without words just a smile saying… “Welcome to Heaven!” I love it!!

 

 

I have come to accept Dakota’s new plan in life. I have come to accept the fact that he may never walk, talk, use a toilet, run into my arms and give me a great big hug, tell me with words that he loves me or hear the word mom,  eat a meal, take a shower by himself, climb out of bed on his own, play hide and go seek with his sister, be the best player on the team, graduate high school or college, go on a date,  get married, give me grandkids, or EVER leave home!

 

I accept this and am willing and ready for ALL the SACRIFICES that Zach and I and he will have to make because of it, because I KNOW with ALL my heart that Heavenly Father’s plan for Him was ALWAYS intended to look different than others…it just took the time and help from my Savior to help me see, learn, and accept it!!

 

On days that I struggle to remember this, all I have to do is reread the poem that my dear friend Jenell gave me (thank you Jenell)…and because we mark the anniversary I will share it again!! It puts Dakota's little life so perfectly into perspective!!

Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. He especially enjoyed the love he saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day he saw suffering in the world. He approached God and sadly asked, "Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?" God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people's hearts." The little soul was confused. "What do you mean," he asked. God replied, "Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone." The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, "The suffering soul unlocks the love in people's hearts much like the sun and the rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this - it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer - to unlock this love - to create this miracle for the good of all humanity."


Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain himself. With his wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied. "I am brave; let me go! I would like to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people's hearts! I want to create that miracle!" God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you". God and the brave soul shared a smile, and then embraced.

In parting, God said, "Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed." Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through his suffering and God's strength, he unlocked the goodness and love in people's hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys, some regained lost faith - many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened. God was pleased.

 

 

Thank you Dakota for sacrificing for me, your dad, your sister, and SO many others to help unlock the love inside of our hearts!! Instead of marking 4 years of sadness…this day marks 4 years of greatness!! (The day you graduated to become an angel here on earth!) I am SO proud to call you MY son! I love you with EVERY piece of my heart!!!

We Communicated...The Button!!

Dakota's accident happened when he was 2 years and 3 months old. A lot of kids aren't SUPER verbal at this age but Dakota man was a talker! He was saying complete sentences at this age and had entered into that super funny talking stage where you never know what might come out! I was LOVING having a 2 year old little boy!!

To go from a VERY verbal child to a COMPLETELY non-verbal child has probably been THE hardest of all the adjustments we have had to make in this house. Not being able to really communicate and understand Dakota is by far harder then having to carry his 38 lbs around. Nothing is more frustrating for Zach and I  AND Dakota, then when Dakota just cries and whines and we can't seem to find the right answer.

Right after Dakota's accident when we returned home we were able to have in-home therapy with a program called Up to 3. We had physical, occupational (hands and fine motor), and speech therapists that would come about once a week. They brought a big round button into our home and attached it to toys that would move or play music when the button was pushed. They were hoping this would entice him to learn to push the button. At that point in time Dakota had pretty much no movement going on so hitting a button just wasn't happening.

Dakota has come a LONG way in his physical movements although I still wouldn't say he has a lot of coordination but he definitely is beginning to have more and more purpose behind his movements.

A couple months ago Dakota was going through a REALLY weird routine at bedtime. Out of nowhere he just started SCREAMING...not crying...SCREAMING when we put him to bed. It was like clockwork. We would lay him down and within 2 minutes he was screaming crying, inconsolable, out of control. When he gets really mad his whole body gets stiff as a board, so even holding him was impossible. It had gone on for a couple weeks and both Zach and I were clueless as to what to do...we had tried EVERYTHING that normally works and had gotten nowhere! For a couple nights playing some church hymns off Pandora worked but then he went right back to screaming.

Zach and I were both SO frustrated! Not sure if these cries were from pain, hunger, uncomfortable, boredom, or just a 6 year old throwing a fit about having to go to bed. When you don't know what it is it is hard to provide the right solution. I can only imagine how frustrated Dakota was as well that we weren't connecting. We all just ended each night upset and frustrated!! Every night I prayed with Dakota and on my own to help know what to do!!!

I went to parent teacher conference around that time and the teacher was telling me about how they were working with the "buttons" in the classroom. They had even had me record my voice talking to Dakota that he could push and listen to at school. As I talked with his teacher...the spirit whispered to my mind...we needed a button for bedtime! I told the teacher the situation and wondered if we could borrow a button to use at home. I had no idea if this idea that had popped into my head would even work but I thought ANYTHING was worth a shot at this point! She made it happen and I recorded on the button, "Mom, I need you!"

I thought maybe just maybe, if  I could practice and practice with Dakota he could learn the power this button could hold for him. Maybe just maybe he could learn to push this button when he needed or wanted us, instead of screaming and crying. I figured it would take days, weeks,  or even months for him to learn the concept behind the button.

The first night I laid the button next to him in bed and pushed it and let him hear it. I explained to him that ANY time he needed something that he could push this button and I would come. I told him when he wakes up in the morning I wanted him to push it so that I would know he was awake and I would come and get him. As I explained it all to him he looked at that red button and I wondered how much he REALLY understood. I practiced with him before I left and helped him bring his hand over and push the button. Then we tucked him into bed and called it a night.

That night he still cried but each time I would go in  I would remind him...you don't need to cry...just push the button...and I would help him push the button. I didn't know if he would ever get it but there was hope in my heart. The next morning he proved me wrong.

6:20 a.m. I hear on the monitor, "Mom, I need you!" I immediately wake up and look at the monitor and I watch Dakota glance at the button. I had a feeling he had "accidentally" hit the button but I didn't care a ran into his room and praised and praised him for pushing the button. He looked up at me and gave me THE SWEETEST grin that said so clearly, "I did it AND it worked!"

6:20 is a little early for him to get up so I changed his diaper like I do and adjusted him in bed and told him it wasn't quite time to get up yet so he needed to try and go back to sleep. I was too excited to sleep, so instead I decided to watch him on the video monitor to see what he would do. I watched the miracle unfold as he worked and worked to roll his little body onto his side and swing and swing his arm over and over until he hit that red button again! I ran into his room again and as soon as I opened the door that same sweet, innocent, proud, angelic smile was on his face like, "I DID IT AGAIN AND IT WORKED!"  I could tell 100% that this kid got it! He understood EVERYTHING that I had told him about this button and he had worked SO hard to make it work!!! I was SO happy, proud, and excited that I had to let him get up out of bed...even if it was 6:30 in the morning.

Since that day...Dakota has become quite the little expert at utilizing his button. He has used his smart little brain some nights to use it as a game. He went through about a 1 week phase of staying up till 11/11:30 at night pushing and pushing the button instead of going to bed...just to get a visit from his mom or dad. Just like all kids he wanted an excuse to stay up and not go to bed. I would even move it farther and farther away from him so that he couldn't press it so easily and he would wiggle and wiggle until he either hit it or knocked it off the bed.  Almost every morning I now wake up to, "Mom, I need you!" instead of crying and it is a beautiful thing...even if the voice I hear is my own voice and not Dakota's...it is communication nonetheless...and I will take it!!

This is just a tiny little step in our communication journey but it is a miracle and proof that this boy understands! It proves that he has SO much to say but that he just needs an avenue with which to say it. It is my hope and prayer that this is only the beginning of a great future ahead!!

My Favorite 6 Year Old!!!

Dear Dakota,

You turned 6 today and I thought my heart was going to burst! My emotions were running very high today…in a good way!! I’m sure part of it was due to the emotional high we had yesterday with the AMAZING F2TF 5K. (more to come on that soon).

I was overwhelmed as I woke up today thinking about how grateful I am to get to celebrate this day with you!! I almost lost my opportunity to celebrate birthdays with you, so today I celebrated YOU with the happiest of hearts!!!

This birthday was your first birthday since your accident that I felt that you really understood it was YOUR birthday…at least it was the first time you shared some emotion with us…smiling and laughing as we poured balloons over your body when you woke up as we sang Happy Birthday to you!!


We blew these up at midnight for you…that’s how much we love you!!! ;)




You smiled and giggled as I let you listen to all the voxes, phone messages, and videos sent to you from our family and friends that were thinking of you today and even everyone singing to you at Vayden’s luncheon!! I could tell even though you couldn’t tell me in words that you knew it was your birthday and you were SO happy to celebrate it today!! I think you are SUPER excited to be 6!!!  It made today even more special to watch you smile and enjoy being youl!!!

Dakota…when you came into this world 6 years ago and made me and your dad parents…we had no idea the influence you would be in our lives!!



You opened our hearts then and since that day you have continued to AMAZE me in every way possible!! You are not just my son…you are my teacher, my angel, my example, my light, my happiness, my sunshine, my little piece of heaven, my daily reminder of what really matters in life, my LOVE!! You make my world go round!!!

So I sit her today with tears in my eyes SOOOO grateful to get to celebrate this 6 years with you today instead of without you!!!


He even put out the candle on his own…with his arm! ;)

I still don’t know how I got so lucky that you chose me to be your mom…my only guess is that you knew I needed A LOT of help in this life to make it back to my Heavenly Father and you knew I would need you to teach me, lead me, and guide me every step of the way!!

Whatever the reason may be…THANK YOU for choosing me!! I will love you with all my heart every single day!! I’m so lucky I get to spend eternity with YOU!!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAKOTA MAN!!!!!

MoM

There was a time 3 1/2 years ago I thought the gift of motherhood was going to be taken from me! As I saw my son laying on that bed, the thought that if he dies, then I am no longer a mom…RIPPED at my heart strings. The thought of that beloved title that I took for granted until that day was the hardest thing to bare!


Fortunately for me…that title wasn’t taken from me although Dakota’s ability to say “mom” was. Being a mom for me now LOOKS a lot different then what it did before that day, but being a mom MEANS more to me now then it did before that day!!

I learned from this trial that being a mom is a LITERAL gift from God! It is something that only He can give us and when he does give us that gift we must cherish it with ALL of our hearts…because he can also take it from us at any time.



I was always that person that thought…that would never happen to ME! Things like this happened to other people I watched on the news…not me! Well…tragedy can strike anyone at anytime…including me!! No one is immune and no one can prepare for it.

So even though being a mom is literally the hardest job in the world and at times you feel a little crazy…never take the title of MOM for granted and cherish EVERY day you have with your kids! Because it is literally the best and most rewarding job in the world!!


Happy Mother’s Day to all of you mom’s out there!!! And a very special Mother’s Day to ALL the woman in my life that are true examples of what a mother truly is…there are too many of you to name!

I just have to share my MOST favorite quote by one amazing woman and mother…Marjorie Pay Hinckley!

Looking Back in the Rearview Mirror

Spring is here as we are all celebrating this warm weather! For our family…with my husband being a landscaper…spring means BUSY!!! Zach officially quite his sales job about a month ago when he realized after being there about 6 months the potential they had talked up in being there just wasn’t there…at least not for many, many years down the road. Even though he was doing very well there (not that he would EVER want me to brag about him…but he was and I’m his wife so I can ;)) he knew that the way the commissions and areas were set up that he would be there a long time before he would even be able to make a decent living. So…he has traded in his polos and slacks for his dirt stained, holy clothes for a another season of landscaping once again until he finds something else! ;)

So this means for me and Dakota…back in the “big” truck as Dakota once called it…hauling Zach, his trailers, and skidsteer to bids and jobs. We spend A LOT of time together in that truck! ;)

Zach went blind when Dakota was just turning 1. So from that point on, our life totally changed and we kicked into survival mode. I became a driver for Zach any time that was needed, to make this landscaping work…which meant Dakota became a passenger. He LOVED being able to ride in Zach’s truck and never minded spending hours a day in there.

This sounds really weird but one of my most FAVORITE views of Dakota was looking back at him in the rear view mirror...maybe because I did it so much!! I don’t know what it was about looking at him in that mirror but it was magical. Dakota ALWAYS looked SO dang cute in that mirror. I always wanted to capture a picture of the way he looked in that mirror but it would never turn out the way I saw him so I have kept that image in my head all these years!! When you looked back at him in that mirror all you could see was his cutest little face with his big eyes, little perfect nose, his blanket usually in his mouth cuz he liked to suck on it…it was just perfection!! When he would catch me looking at him you would see the corner of his little mouth come up along the sides of his blanket and his big eyes squint a little as he smiled…still with that blanket in his mouth! It melted my heart every time!!!! I could look at him all day in that mirror!

After his accident I remember looking back in my rear view mirror at him and just crying!! I didn’t recognize that same kid I once knew anymore. It was different. He looked different, his facial expression was different, his blanket was never in his mouth, he never smiled, he cried a lot in the car and I remember just missing that view SO badly it physically hurt! I still loved him but the view was different and I didn’t think I would ever get to see it again…and it was hard!!!

Well…this spring as we have again spent a lot of time in that big truck together…I now catch myself looking in that rear view mirror and miraculously that perfect view is back!!! When I look at Dakota now…31/2 years after his accident it brings back those same feelings I had before his accident. I see perfection in that face. He looks again like himself and even though he still doesn’t have a blanket in his mouth (which is good since he is 5 ;)) his big beautiful eyes are lit up just the same and his smile is even more magical to look at then it ever was before!!! He has that same happy and content look sitting in the “big” truck and he even smiles again when we ask him if he wants to ride in daddy’s big truck. He hardly ever cries and his face is just content and happy like he used to be riding in the truck. Zach and I both can’t believe how far he has come and how much he has made a full circle back to the boy we once knew!

The progress Dakota is making is still so small and slow and probably not even very noticeable to others but it is SOOOO big and so special to us!! To see even glimpses of his personality and character come back when once it was all lost, is truly a miracle for us and is our source of PURE joy!!!!

I have come to learn that sometimes it takes something being taken away from us to learn to appreciate and enjoy even the simplest and smallest of blessings in life!! I will never ever take that sweet little view for granted again! Thank you Dakota for teaching your mom to stop and take the time to appreciate these small and simple things in life…you are my greatest teacher!!!

3 Years an Angel

November 26th marked 3 years since Dakota’s accident. This 3 year mark was definitely a time of reflection for me. I allowed myself to go back to that dreadful day…and just remember. I remembered it ALL!! You may wonder why in the world would anyone want to remember that…don’t you want to forget?! But the answer is NO!

Although that day and the weeks and months that followed were the worst days of my entire life…I felt pain I never knew existed. That pain has helped me to realize and appreciate what PURE joy really is! As I cried tears of pain remembering how dark and hurtful that time was in my life I also smiled and cried tears of joy as I see how far not only Dakota but WE have come as a family. I remember still clear as day after months of enduring the pain and hardships of our new life…wanting to fast forward. I knew one day I would see and feel light and happiness again I just didn’t know when that would ever be. I didn’t want to endure and suffer one more day…I would have fast forwarded 3, 5, 10 years…however long it took to feel happiness and joy again.

Life obviously hasn’t fast forwarded for me, I have worked hard and endured every day for the last 3 years but today I smile because I made it!! I feel joy again in my life and I appreciate it more then EVER before because I know how quickly things can change and I know what REAL pain is. Life is obviously still not easy or perfect and we still have our struggles but we smile, we laugh, and we enjoy being together and that is truly ALL that matters.

The fact that we even feel ready to take on another child is a miracle. I honestly didn't know when or if that day would ever come but here we are!

Zach has been a little stressed lately with lots of things and I texted him that day and just said, “Remember what you felt 3 years ago. ALL of your stress and worries today didn't matter. We got through that …we can get through this. We got this! ;)

So…as I reflect on Dakota’s 3 year anniversary mark of gaining his angel wings, I smile at amazement at how far he has come. As I look back at all the pictures it is SO clear! As I remember those days, weeks, months, and even years following the accident and how little he could do or even respond, I am SO grateful today for where we are at. When we came home from the hospital his head was stuck to the left. He couldn’t move his body or arms and legs at all. His tongue was out all the time. He was overweight from the formula. His face was always red and sweaty because his body couldn’t regulate his temperature. His eyes could barely track and if they did it was just for a few seconds. His eyes were often focused just up. He had no response or even acknowledgement to things or people.


Today I see a 5 year old cowboy full of personality. His eyes sparkle with happiness and excitement again and he tracks anything especially his mom and dad when they come in the room or a succor. He smiles again and that is the BEST! I tell him all the time he has a magic smile. It is magic because it lights up the room and it makes everyone who sees it smile too!

He moves his whole body and has become quite the roller. Just Thanksgiving morning I laid him on this blanket facing his tool box to eat his breakfast and this is where I found him several minutes later when I came back in.


I’m stuck mom!

He communicates with us in his own simple ways and we understand each other. He is the same little boy inside a body that he still can’t quite control completely but he is happy and healthy!!

I still miss that funny, active, cowboy I once had running around and making lots of noise but I adore my quiet, gentle, and sweet cowboy just as much. He is the same but different and I love him now just as much as I loved him then. He has sacrificed so much to teach me EVERYTHING I know. He is my light!!

So Dakota…Happy 3rd anniversary of gaining your angel wings. Keep letting your light shine to others and share that magic smile that mom and dad love so much!! WE LOVE YOU!!

Just because I LOVE to remember him before…here is a video of my cute little muscle man when he was 22 months! (I know it's nothing out of the ordinary of other kids videos but to me it is so so special! Just seeing him walk, move, and talk is amazing! ;))

PURE JOY!

After Dakota’s accident…I didn't know if I would ever feel real joy again in my heart until my little boy was back to his perfect normal self!

After we got home, I worked my hardest doing hours and hours of therapy with him in hopes that this would bring my little boy back.



Then and only then could Zach and I have the joy that he brought to us back in our lives! We missed his bright smile and sweet voice so much…it was our true source of JOY!!

The first year was so very difficult. The only expression Dakota had was sadness. He looked different and acted so different. All he did was cry and so did we. I often found myself asking God, “Why did you let him stay, if this is how it is going to be?” I couldn’t bear to see him so sad and miserable all the time and I begged…just let him be happy!! I know none of you can comprehend this…but we often thought that maybe it would have been better if he would have passed away.

As he continued to progress we first saw a hint of a smile and that was SOOOO exciting. Since that day Dakota has continued to progress in so many ways.

These last couple months we have seen even more change. It is always hard to describe these changes and progressions because they are so subtle and gradual that they are hard for me to even detect. But he has been more happy, more responsive, more alert, more interactive. I feel like we are finally understanding each other…even though he still can’t talk. I can ask him questions and get more responses either with a smile, a look, or a cry.

He uses those big sparkly eyes and sweet smile to tell us what he is thinking and needing and Zach and I are finally understanding him better and better. Don’t get me wrong…we still have our frustrating moments where neither one of us is getting the other but they are becoming fewer and far between.

This last week as Zach and I have had a lot of time to spend together since his work is slowing down, we have been together as a little family a lot. I have found myself several times just watching or listening to Dakota’s happy laugh, his sweetest smile, and the happiness in Zach’s voice. As I was listening to the happiness in Zach and Dakota while Zach gave him a bath…I felt that PURE JOY once again and I realized…it is back!! Dakota isn't back to his old self, but he is bringing us a source of JOY that I never knew. As I watch and listen I am completely content, happy, and my heart is full of JOY!!

I caught the very end of it so it was toned down a bit. (Don't mind the nudity!) ;)

The saying on the top of my blog that “Life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful” is SO true!!! Dakota’s body and mind is still not perfect, Zach is still blind, day to day life is still hard for us…but we are happy and life with these two truly is SO wonderful!!!

Zach and I have had several conversations lately about how much we love Dakota this way. We still miss him and the boy he once was but he is SO much fun and makes us so happy in different ways. We talk about how much we love him and his unique little things that make him so different but so sweet. There truly is a piece of heaven that I can see in his eyes when he smiles. They sparkle differently then they ever did and he has shown me what true JOY is!!



After almost 3 years of coping with life with a brain injured child and mourning the loss of what once was…I can honestly say…I can feel PURE JOY again!! Heavenly Father in His own time and in His own way has answered my prayers! It took a lot of heartache and a lot of tears to get to this point but that is what this life is all about. He knew I needed to experience the loss of something so great and wonderful to learn to appreciate the simpleness and sweetness that life has to offer. We will never find happiness in the things we can buy…it is found right in our own simple little homes with the people we love!! If Dakota who can’t do much of anything on his own and truly deserves to complain can feel and show real happiness and joy…then we ALL can feel it!!! Find the joy in your life and SAVOR those moments!!

Why WE Love Dakota…Grammy

This is the last day of Dakota’s “birthday month!” I have to say a HUGE thank you to EVERYONE who wrote a post for me and all those who were able to read these amazing posts. I know for me, being Dakota’s mom, they have been EXTREMELY special, touching, and emotional to read! They have strengthened my faith and testimony that this VERY hard trial I have been asked to bear has been worth it all!! Even though every day is a challenge and my heart still aches for the boy I once knew…I am understanding more and more the bigger picture and plan that my Heavenly Father had for Dakota! I am SO grateful for the true “angel” he has become and the MANY lessons he has taught me and those who have been blessed to know him! I truly feel it a privilege to be his mom and I thank EVERYONE from the bottom of my heart for your love, support, and encouragement that you continually give to our family!!

I must end this birthday month to Dakota with words from his Grammy (also known as Vicki, Zach’s mom). Besides Zach and I, her and Poppy (her husband aka Doug) have spent THE MOST time with Dakota and have loved him unconditionally!! Dakota was their very first grandchild and they were THE MOST excited grandparents you have ever seen. They would joke with the 3 kids in Zach’s family that were married (we all got married in the same year) that whoever had the first baby would get free diapers for a year. That’s how bad they wanted a grandbaby!! When Dakota came into the world they were right there to welcome him and love him from day 1. Ever since that day he has been and continues to be spoiled rotten (NOT REALLY ROTTEN ;) ) from these 2 amazing people!!

When they got the phone call about Dakota’s accident they immediately flew down to AZ (since that is where it happened while we were visiting my family) and stayed with us the whole 3 weeks we were there!! They put their lives, their jobs, EVERTYHING on hold to be there to support and help us and Dakota through the hardest time in our lives. They talked about leaving at the 2 week mark but even though I never told them to stay…they must have known in their hearts how desperately Zach and I needed them there, so they stayed!! She is not my birth mom but I love and adore her just as much as my own mom!!

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When we were finally home with Dakota after the accident, these 2 were helping us EVERY week religiously because we were struggling so bad emotionally and physically to manage this new life we were trying to deal with! They would come up to give Zach and I a date night EVERY weekend which I’m sure they could have used for themselves! On top of that they would come up whenever they knew we were having a hard day or we had been up all night with Dakota just to give us a break or a rest. Even though they don’t come up weekly anymore they will be here ANY time we EVER need it! I really don’t know what we would do without them!!

They too have been a strong support for both Zach and I emotionally and spiritually! They have seen more then their fair share of tears then they probably ever needed! They have helped us through the different stages of grief as we transitioned from disbelief, sadness, anger, etc and they have been patient, loving, and understanding through it all! I have never felt like there was anything I couldn't share with Vicki or ever felt as if she judged me for feeling a certain way! She always seems to have the perfect things to say, story or scripture to share, or just a hug to bring us comfort when we needed it most!



They are THE MOST fun grandparents you have ever seen and their love for Dakota and ALL of their grandchildren is truly AMAZING!! They go above and beyond in their call to be grandparents and parents!!

 

Here are Grammy’s sweet words:

My sweet little Dakota,

Where do I begin to tell you of my love for you. My heart was so full of love for you even before you came to this earth.

I remember with joy, the day you were born. You were the first one to make me a 'Grammy.'  I will forever be grateful to your parents for that.



I remember that moment that your Daddy walked down the hall with you all swaddled up moments after your birth, with tears in his eyes.  That moment changed my life forever. It is written in my heart.



Little did I know you would continue to change my life from that moment on.  I always knew you were a special boy. I've never seen such a content baby that never fusses and is always happy.  I would always tell your parents, "You have no idea what an angel baby he is!"  Even the best babies cry.  You showed us right from the start that you loved life and were so happy to be here.

You also have been a fighter right from the very start.  You overcame challenges from your first few days of life.  You have always had that inner-strength that now looking back we didn't realize you would need to get through what was to come.



Your little family has faced many trials. All that you have faced testifies that you were meant to come into the family you were born into.  Heavenly Father chose one of his righteous, loving daughters to be your mommy.  He led her to find someone so full of love for her that they could face anything together.

 

Your daddy would experience his own trial first, so that they would be prepared  to undertake the challenges of mortality that they would face together. When your Daddy lost his sight, you were the rainbow after the storm. During those trying times, he would always ask to hold you.  You gave him the will to keep going. You lit up his darkness. You still do! 



Before the accident, we would always want to steal you and keep you for hours at a time.  You got to where you would want to come home with us whenever we were together.  Your mom and dad would say to you as we would take you, "Be sweet!"  You would say okay as if that was your ticket to go.  I remember a week or so before the accident you stretched out your arms for Poppy at church (wanting to go home with us) and looked at your parents, "I BE SWEET?"  As if to say,"PLEASE let me go." Those are some of the last words we remember you saying to us.

You continue to BE SWEET every time we are around you.  It is the sweetness of your spirit we feel now.  It whispers to me every time I hold you.  I love being in the quiet when I am alone with you.  You comfort me, you calm me, you give me a sense of complete peace.  You help me to understand that trials can strengthen us and change us in ways we never thought possible. 

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You have taught me to trust in my Heavenly Father and that his will is what is meant for us in our lives.  He knows what we need, and what will change our hearts.  You were the vehicle through which many lives were touched and forever changed.  You have taught us so much and continue to teach us the worth of a soul.  Your precious little soul. 

Even though your life is lived in a body with limitations you have so much to give that others can't give us. I am so grateful that Heavenly Father let you keep your smile. He knew we needed it.  I don't know where all of us would be without that smile.   It lets us know you feel joy.  It has been a precious gift.  I remember seeing it the first time probably months after you were hurt.  I can't describe how happy we were to see that on your sweet little face.  We cried! We never imagined we would see that again. It's amazing what small things we should be grateful for.


(FIRST SMILES)

Dakota, I know you were allowed to stay with us because you were willing to teach us to be more like our Savior Jesus Christ. I am grateful to you for you being righteous enough and worthy to be able to do that for us.I will forever be grateful to our Heavenly Father for his mercy.

Thank you for loving us enough to be willing to sacrifice the things we take for granted so that you could continually mold us into what we need to become so that we can be worthy to live as a family in Heaven. 

The day you were hurt, when I saw you lying there in the hospital I thought my heart would break.  I look back on that day now, and my heart is mending. It still hurts, but you have shown me heartache can bring strength.



I have a quote I have framed in my house that says, Perhaps strength doesn't reside in having never been broken, but in the courage required to grow strong in the broken places.


I always have dreams that you are running towards me with your arms outstretched, ready to wrap around me and I hear your voice say "I love you Grammy!"  That is Heaven to me!  I know that day will come and I know you will say to us, "I BE SWEET and that's why I did all this for you!" 

For now, I will snuggle you and take in all that you continually give me.  I am so grateful for your life and the blessing you are to me.

I love you Kota-bug!  You are a precious gift to me.  I am so blessed to be your Grammy. XOXO
                     
  I love........your shoulders when you giggle, kissing the back of your little neck, your cute little toes,
                        putting your arms around me, your stick skinny little legs, our finger kisses, our prayers together,
                        kissing your baby lotion face, reading stories, your smiles, getting you up from a nap, bath-time giggles,
                        holding your hand for as long as I want, how you roll over, feeding you treats, long walks together,
                        singing in the car, laying on the grass together, sleep-overs, just holding you.

VICKI/GRAMMY THANK YOU SO SO MUCH FOR BEING THERE FOR US AND DAKOTA THROUGH EVERYTHING! THANK YOU FOR RAISING A SON THAT WOULD BECOME THE WORLDS GREATEST HUSBAND AND DAD…SO FULL OF LOVE!! THANK YOU FOR LOVING DAKOTA WITH ALL OF YOUR HEART!
WE LOVE YOU!!!