MoM

There was a time 3 1/2 years ago I thought the gift of motherhood was going to be taken from me! As I saw my son laying on that bed, the thought that if he dies, then I am no longer a mom…RIPPED at my heart strings. The thought of that beloved title that I took for granted until that day was the hardest thing to bare!


Fortunately for me…that title wasn’t taken from me although Dakota’s ability to say “mom” was. Being a mom for me now LOOKS a lot different then what it did before that day, but being a mom MEANS more to me now then it did before that day!!

I learned from this trial that being a mom is a LITERAL gift from God! It is something that only He can give us and when he does give us that gift we must cherish it with ALL of our hearts…because he can also take it from us at any time.



I was always that person that thought…that would never happen to ME! Things like this happened to other people I watched on the news…not me! Well…tragedy can strike anyone at anytime…including me!! No one is immune and no one can prepare for it.

So even though being a mom is literally the hardest job in the world and at times you feel a little crazy…never take the title of MOM for granted and cherish EVERY day you have with your kids! Because it is literally the best and most rewarding job in the world!!


Happy Mother’s Day to all of you mom’s out there!!! And a very special Mother’s Day to ALL the woman in my life that are true examples of what a mother truly is…there are too many of you to name!

I just have to share my MOST favorite quote by one amazing woman and mother…Marjorie Pay Hinckley!

3 yr Anniversary…Time for a GIVEAWAY!!

This week marks 3 WHOLE years since Dakota’s accident. It probably sounds like a weird time to want to do a giveaway but these 3 years have been a journey that has taught me more then the almost 30 years I have been on this earth combined. So…it is a time to celebrate!!

I will post more about my feelings of this 3 year mark soon, but I wanted to start this week off celebrating YOU readers who have given me strength, courage, love, kindness, encouragement, and inspiration to keep moving forward one step at a time. I know I have said it before but this blog was never meant to be anything but a family journal to me. BUT after Dakota’s accident it became my outlet to share all of my deepest feelings both horrible and wonderful. A place wear I could be completely honest about my feelings…I could cry and type and not know who was listening. No one had to see me cry in the process of letting it all out. And when I was done I could take a deep breath and I could let it all go until my next meltdown. It has also been a way to celebrate the things we have learned and the progress Dakota has made. I am in awe at how many people have fallen in love with my sweet angel boy.

I can honestly say…this blog has meant more then I ever could have imagined it being. It has brought me friendships over miles and miles with people I have never even met but that I love and adore. It has connected me to others who have struggled on life’s difficult path with their own tragedies and has helped me see that I am not alone in this journey.

SO…this giveaway is a HUGE thank you to ALL of you who have EVER left a comment or even taken the time to read my story and let me vent to you. Thank you for listening! ;)

SO…on to the fun part!!!

IF you haven’t noticed from pictures of me on my blog I have a bit of an “OBSESSION” with headbands. I LOVE them. In fact I think I am a horder of headbands. If I walk into any store no matter what type…I seem to always find myself looking at the headbands. I just love them for the fact that on a bad hair day or a lazy hair day they can dress you up and make it a great hair day. They are a simple thing that can add SO much! I love them to workout or run in because they keep the hair off my face or even cover my ears to keep them warm on a cold day. I LOVE them!!!!

My horder drawer full will prove it to you! ;)

There she is folks…all sizes, colors, and patterns! I need a bigger drawer!!!

One of my dear friends Sarahn must have the same obsession I do because she decided to start her own business of making headbands! I couldn’t have been more excited when I saw all of her fun fabrics on instagram. I ordered 4 right away!!!

She has most graciously allowed me to give away TWO of her AMAZING headbands to 2 of my AMAZING readers!!! This is just a tiny sample of some of the awesome styles and patterns she has available.


Isn’t she a hottie!!! I’m dying over the new faux leather one and the half camo and green one!!!

You don’t have to be a local to win…we can ship them to you so enter, enter, enter for your chance to win!!

So…how do you win?! I know all you headband horders out there are wondering! ;)
You can have up to 3 entries:
1. Just leave a comment below that you love headbands and want to win! ;)
2. Become a follower of my blog by clicking on the join button on the right or leaving your email in the follow by email and then leave a comment that you are now a follower. If you already are a follower just leave me a comment that you are.
3. Follow my lovely friend Sarahn on Instagram @dodawraps to see all of her greatest and latest styles. Once you do this leave me a comment that you are now her follower.

I will announce the winner on Sunday December 1st so check back in to see if your a winner!

And because Sarahn is the ABSOLUTE bomb (who uses the word bomb anymore?…I do! ;)) if you can’t stand waiting any longer and need yours RIGHT NOW or you want to go check out which one you will choose when you win…she is offering 25% off to all my readers on her etsy shop. So go to www.dodawraps.etsy.com to check them out and enter coupon code: FRIEDLIFAN25 to get your discount. This coupon is good till January 1st so if you have some lovely friends or sisters to shop for, or you need to stuff your own stocking since Santa seems to always forget you ;) you have time!!

Good luck everyone!!!

Why WE Love Dakota…Grammy

This is the last day of Dakota’s “birthday month!” I have to say a HUGE thank you to EVERYONE who wrote a post for me and all those who were able to read these amazing posts. I know for me, being Dakota’s mom, they have been EXTREMELY special, touching, and emotional to read! They have strengthened my faith and testimony that this VERY hard trial I have been asked to bear has been worth it all!! Even though every day is a challenge and my heart still aches for the boy I once knew…I am understanding more and more the bigger picture and plan that my Heavenly Father had for Dakota! I am SO grateful for the true “angel” he has become and the MANY lessons he has taught me and those who have been blessed to know him! I truly feel it a privilege to be his mom and I thank EVERYONE from the bottom of my heart for your love, support, and encouragement that you continually give to our family!!

I must end this birthday month to Dakota with words from his Grammy (also known as Vicki, Zach’s mom). Besides Zach and I, her and Poppy (her husband aka Doug) have spent THE MOST time with Dakota and have loved him unconditionally!! Dakota was their very first grandchild and they were THE MOST excited grandparents you have ever seen. They would joke with the 3 kids in Zach’s family that were married (we all got married in the same year) that whoever had the first baby would get free diapers for a year. That’s how bad they wanted a grandbaby!! When Dakota came into the world they were right there to welcome him and love him from day 1. Ever since that day he has been and continues to be spoiled rotten (NOT REALLY ROTTEN ;) ) from these 2 amazing people!!

When they got the phone call about Dakota’s accident they immediately flew down to AZ (since that is where it happened while we were visiting my family) and stayed with us the whole 3 weeks we were there!! They put their lives, their jobs, EVERTYHING on hold to be there to support and help us and Dakota through the hardest time in our lives. They talked about leaving at the 2 week mark but even though I never told them to stay…they must have known in their hearts how desperately Zach and I needed them there, so they stayed!! She is not my birth mom but I love and adore her just as much as my own mom!!

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When we were finally home with Dakota after the accident, these 2 were helping us EVERY week religiously because we were struggling so bad emotionally and physically to manage this new life we were trying to deal with! They would come up to give Zach and I a date night EVERY weekend which I’m sure they could have used for themselves! On top of that they would come up whenever they knew we were having a hard day or we had been up all night with Dakota just to give us a break or a rest. Even though they don’t come up weekly anymore they will be here ANY time we EVER need it! I really don’t know what we would do without them!!

They too have been a strong support for both Zach and I emotionally and spiritually! They have seen more then their fair share of tears then they probably ever needed! They have helped us through the different stages of grief as we transitioned from disbelief, sadness, anger, etc and they have been patient, loving, and understanding through it all! I have never felt like there was anything I couldn't share with Vicki or ever felt as if she judged me for feeling a certain way! She always seems to have the perfect things to say, story or scripture to share, or just a hug to bring us comfort when we needed it most!



They are THE MOST fun grandparents you have ever seen and their love for Dakota and ALL of their grandchildren is truly AMAZING!! They go above and beyond in their call to be grandparents and parents!!

 

Here are Grammy’s sweet words:

My sweet little Dakota,

Where do I begin to tell you of my love for you. My heart was so full of love for you even before you came to this earth.

I remember with joy, the day you were born. You were the first one to make me a 'Grammy.'  I will forever be grateful to your parents for that.



I remember that moment that your Daddy walked down the hall with you all swaddled up moments after your birth, with tears in his eyes.  That moment changed my life forever. It is written in my heart.



Little did I know you would continue to change my life from that moment on.  I always knew you were a special boy. I've never seen such a content baby that never fusses and is always happy.  I would always tell your parents, "You have no idea what an angel baby he is!"  Even the best babies cry.  You showed us right from the start that you loved life and were so happy to be here.

You also have been a fighter right from the very start.  You overcame challenges from your first few days of life.  You have always had that inner-strength that now looking back we didn't realize you would need to get through what was to come.



Your little family has faced many trials. All that you have faced testifies that you were meant to come into the family you were born into.  Heavenly Father chose one of his righteous, loving daughters to be your mommy.  He led her to find someone so full of love for her that they could face anything together.

 

Your daddy would experience his own trial first, so that they would be prepared  to undertake the challenges of mortality that they would face together. When your Daddy lost his sight, you were the rainbow after the storm. During those trying times, he would always ask to hold you.  You gave him the will to keep going. You lit up his darkness. You still do! 



Before the accident, we would always want to steal you and keep you for hours at a time.  You got to where you would want to come home with us whenever we were together.  Your mom and dad would say to you as we would take you, "Be sweet!"  You would say okay as if that was your ticket to go.  I remember a week or so before the accident you stretched out your arms for Poppy at church (wanting to go home with us) and looked at your parents, "I BE SWEET?"  As if to say,"PLEASE let me go." Those are some of the last words we remember you saying to us.

You continue to BE SWEET every time we are around you.  It is the sweetness of your spirit we feel now.  It whispers to me every time I hold you.  I love being in the quiet when I am alone with you.  You comfort me, you calm me, you give me a sense of complete peace.  You help me to understand that trials can strengthen us and change us in ways we never thought possible. 

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You have taught me to trust in my Heavenly Father and that his will is what is meant for us in our lives.  He knows what we need, and what will change our hearts.  You were the vehicle through which many lives were touched and forever changed.  You have taught us so much and continue to teach us the worth of a soul.  Your precious little soul. 

Even though your life is lived in a body with limitations you have so much to give that others can't give us. I am so grateful that Heavenly Father let you keep your smile. He knew we needed it.  I don't know where all of us would be without that smile.   It lets us know you feel joy.  It has been a precious gift.  I remember seeing it the first time probably months after you were hurt.  I can't describe how happy we were to see that on your sweet little face.  We cried! We never imagined we would see that again. It's amazing what small things we should be grateful for.


(FIRST SMILES)

Dakota, I know you were allowed to stay with us because you were willing to teach us to be more like our Savior Jesus Christ. I am grateful to you for you being righteous enough and worthy to be able to do that for us.I will forever be grateful to our Heavenly Father for his mercy.

Thank you for loving us enough to be willing to sacrifice the things we take for granted so that you could continually mold us into what we need to become so that we can be worthy to live as a family in Heaven. 

The day you were hurt, when I saw you lying there in the hospital I thought my heart would break.  I look back on that day now, and my heart is mending. It still hurts, but you have shown me heartache can bring strength.



I have a quote I have framed in my house that says, Perhaps strength doesn't reside in having never been broken, but in the courage required to grow strong in the broken places.


I always have dreams that you are running towards me with your arms outstretched, ready to wrap around me and I hear your voice say "I love you Grammy!"  That is Heaven to me!  I know that day will come and I know you will say to us, "I BE SWEET and that's why I did all this for you!" 

For now, I will snuggle you and take in all that you continually give me.  I am so grateful for your life and the blessing you are to me.

I love you Kota-bug!  You are a precious gift to me.  I am so blessed to be your Grammy. XOXO
                     
  I love........your shoulders when you giggle, kissing the back of your little neck, your cute little toes,
                        putting your arms around me, your stick skinny little legs, our finger kisses, our prayers together,
                        kissing your baby lotion face, reading stories, your smiles, getting you up from a nap, bath-time giggles,
                        holding your hand for as long as I want, how you roll over, feeding you treats, long walks together,
                        singing in the car, laying on the grass together, sleep-overs, just holding you.

VICKI/GRAMMY THANK YOU SO SO MUCH FOR BEING THERE FOR US AND DAKOTA THROUGH EVERYTHING! THANK YOU FOR RAISING A SON THAT WOULD BECOME THE WORLDS GREATEST HUSBAND AND DAD…SO FULL OF LOVE!! THANK YOU FOR LOVING DAKOTA WITH ALL OF YOUR HEART!
WE LOVE YOU!!!

Why WE Love Dakota…Nana

Of course I had to ask one of the people I know who loves Dakota VERY most…Nana (my mom) to write about Dakota!! Dakota was the 11th grandchild born into my family so my mom knew EXACTLY what she was doing in the grandma department when Dakota entered the world!



What she didn’t know, was how much Dakota and I were going to need her throughout his sweet little life!! Even though she lives in AZ, a whole state away from Dakota, she has never let the distance stop her from sharing her love to Dakota! She often puts letters, books, and cards in the mail to Dakota and almost weekly sends texts to just let us know she is thinking about us and loving us!

She makes time every summer and whenever we need her to come, to spend some quality time with Dakota. She will fly up at the drop of a hat if I even mention that we might need help. She maximizes EVERY minute she is here, serving and helping in ANY way she can to make Dakota and my life the easiest it can be!!



After the accident her and my dad were there for us EVERY day…whether it was forcing us to eat food, giving us hugs, words of love and support, or stretching and sitting with Dakota! They were by our side through it all…all the tears, pain, and heartache!

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After the accident my parents were so concerned for Dakota to have EVERYTHING he needed….they bought him a brand new temperpedic bed that angles up and vibrates so that he would be in a comfortable position and not EVER get bed sores. They allowed us to trade cars with them so that he could have more room for his legs and in the back for his wheelchair. They paid for him to have horse therapy, and the list goes on and on!! They are ALWAYS trying to help in ANY way they can to make sure that Dakota has ANYTHING and EVERYTHING he needs!!

Besides the physical help and support they have given us they have been there for us emotionally and spiritually as well…even though I know this trial has been so hard for them as well! My mom often texts me a simple thought or scripture for the day to help motivate and inspire me to be the best I can be. My dad often sends handwritten letters (yes the old fashioned way…that I love) to us to share his love and support to us!! They have listened to me cry and vent through the pain and struggles. They are 2 people that I know I could count on for ANYTHING at ANY time!!



Not sure where or who I would be without them!!

Here is what she had to say:
(Grab some tissues!)

Lessons Learned from Dakota

The day Dakota was injured was the day my world fell apart. I was so excited to have all of my family together to celebrate Ty’s recent wedding to Heather. It was a day of celebration, not for tragedy. We were even going to have a live band. I was anticipating the joy of watching all the kids dance. . . Dakota liked to dance. Watching Dakota lie on the ground unresponsive sucked all the excitement out of my being.
After transporting Dakota to Maricopa County Hospital and getting him situated in ICU, his little body still lay there so lifeless. Just hours ago he had been playing so happily with his cousins.

They put him on a cold matt filled with ice water to slow his body functions, reserving his energy to allow his brain the ability to heal.

I watched Tessie hold his little hand, kiss his tender face and plead in Dakota’s ear, “Please stay here, Buddy, I will help you. I will help you.” The harsh reality of Dakota not being whole again was so painful. I was watching my baby hurt for her baby and I hurt for both of them. I felt like the worst grandparent. It was a grandparent’s nightmare to have a grandchild hurt on your watch. It was no one’s fault. I knew that in my head, but it wasn’t registering in my heart. The kids weren’t playing near danger; we were all right there; how could this happen?

The neurologist came in to talk to us. While his words were kind they were also stern. He told us that Dakota’s brain had been without oxygen too long. He explained that the next 72 hours would be critical. If he survived 72 hours, there would still be undetermined damage and questionable prognosis. Then his words cut sharp, “I am seriously concerned he will make it.” Then without hesitation and more determined he added, “I want you to understand, I am seriously concerned he will make it.”
In my mind I knew he was preparing us. All medical facts were against Dakota. But I also knew this was in Heavenly Father’s hands. We needed a miracle!
I believed in miracles. . .

In the next 72 hours I pondered and questioned if I really did have enough faith to believe in a miracle so personal. The words from a parable, “Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief,” (Mark 9) rang in my mind over and over. “. . .help thou mine unbelief.” This became my prayer and my test!
I have been hurt and cried in my life, but I usually don’t just sit and cry. Whatever is wrong, I just get over it and keep moving. For the first time in my life I sat and cried “air sucking” cries, uncontrollable and physically exhausting. I didn’t have any more tears to cry, and I was still crying! I had to pull myself together. I thought of the familiar words in Isaiah describing the Savior: He was “a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.” It hit me, “THIS IS GRIEF!” To watch my lifeless grandson and to hear my daughter’s pleas. . . . this was grief. I knew this was only a little drop of grief for Him, but now I understood a little better His suffering because now I too was acquainted with grief.

“Surely he hath borne our griefs and carried our sorrows. . . ” How could He endure the grief of the whole world? It overwhelmed me!

Then the words, “. . . and with His stripes we are healed.” Wow! What powerful words touched my heart like never before.

“Only He “with his stripes” can understand this grief and relieve me from it. Only He “with his stripes” can strengthen me to help Tessie and Zach. Only He “with his stripes” can allow Dakota to stay here with us or return to Him now.

These were the words that came to my mind as I quit crying: Everything really does depend on Christ. Everything in this life depends on Christ. Everything depends on Christ for hope in the world to come. I knew this in my head, but now it was really reverberating in my heart like it never had before.
Now I needed to Trust in Him.

Another scripture came to mind, “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” I needed to be patient. I needed to trust more and submit my will to His will. His way and his time would be best!

I remembered the parable of the man that was lowered on his bed through the roof by his friends to be healed. Jesus blessed him and said, “Take up thy bed and walk.” The man immediately took up his bed and walked. I believed this story to be true. I believed it could happen for Dakota too. If the Lord wanted Dakota to walk and talk again, Dakota would. But if not, then I still needed to trust that He knew what was best for Dakota and for all of us. I have realized that Dakota is here for us.

In my ponderings, I believe that Dakota knows Jesus personally. In those critical 72 hours I believe he saw heaven, he knew how wonderful it is, and he made a conscious choice to stay here on earth for his parents. Our Heavenly Father and Dakota both heard his mother’s pleadings. He answered that prayer. Dakota knows heaven. What a valiant spirit he is! What a blessing he is to us! He made a sacrifice to stay here and how frustrating it must be for him to watch us make so many mistakes.

The question was never, “Why Us?” The question came to be, “Why NOT Us?”
Why not us to learn the lessons Heavenly Father wanted us to learn?

As I walked the halls of Maricopa County Hospital every day for a month, there were others who were hurting and in such hopeless circumstances. Another child came into ICU because the mother’s boyfriend had injured the child. How my heart hurt for that child to be in such a condition because of abuse. Dakota was loved! When that child left ICU, who would protect, love and help him to heal from his injuries? Other grandma’s couldn’t spend the day at the hospital because they didn’t have a car, or gas for their cars, or the time to be there. My heart became more grateful for what I had and I developed more compassion for those who had other struggles in life.

I walked the halls of Primary Children’s Hospital and realized every child there had a story. They were each unique. Dakota’s story rocked my world, but each parent and grandparent there was dealing with the medical issue at hand, making adjustments, and surviving. It was inspiring! If they could do it, so could I. Why NOT me?

Tessie has always been tough. . . a tough cowgirl, a tough ball player, a tough scholar. But when life threw her a curve, she picked up the ball and threw it back into play. I always knew she was tough; I just didn’t know she would have to be this tough. She has taken motherhood to a whole new level. She is my hero! Dakota is my joy! Zach is my example of daily courage with steadfastness!

Top Ten Things I Learned From Dakota

1. Being with Dakota is near to Heaven.
2. “Why NOT us” to learn the lessons Heavenly Father wants us to learn?
3. Never take one single breath for granted. Cherish each moment together.
4. In the Lord’s time; In the Lord’s way. . . “for my ways are higher than your ways. . .” Isaiah 55:9
5. Christ is Everything! Trust in Him.
6. Eyes to see things that I once took for granted; a more grateful heart.
7. There are still miracles today. . .our miracle is in Dakota’s smile and the light in his eyes.
8. Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be WONDERFUL! Dakota makes life wonderful.
9. God does hear our cries, He is aware of our every desire & He can “help our unbelief”.
10. Everyone has a story. . . . What’s yours?

How I Love my Kota!

Nana, Cinda Winterton

THANK YOU SO MUCH MOM/NANA FOR TEACHING ME HOW TO BE A MOM AND PREPARING ME IN EVERY WAY FOR THIS CRAZY LIFE! THANK YOU FOR LOVING DAKOTA AND SUPPORTING US THROUGH EVERTYHING!
WE LOVE YOU!!!

It is OFFICIAL...

Well...I haven't been on here in awhile for a lot of reasons...but mostly because of the mix of emotions that have been flooding over me the last couple of weeks. I have been unsure of how to express them. Even Zach has been able to tell that I have been a little uptight. For a girl, I would say I am pretty chill. I don't get super emotional over stuff and keep a pretty even temper. But lately things haven't been so even kill for me...and I know it's because so much has been weighing on my mind and heart and I haven't been able to blog and let it all out. (It really is therapy for me...to write it helps me to release it.) Zach will be happier after this I'm sure...hopefully writing about it will bring me back some peace! ;)

As of March 15th Dakota has been a brain injured child longer then he was my healthy little Dakota. He was 2 years, 3 months, and 16 days old when the accident happened. As of today it has been 2 years, 3 months and 34 days. I know to most of you that probably doesn't really matter...and you are probably thinking why would you keep track of THAT! But to me it has been tough to grasp!

Since Dakota's accident I have dreaded March 15th. When we got out of the hospital I had high hopes that he would be back to his old self before this day would come. I NEVER wanted it to come like this and I dreaded every day that it got closer. I often times would find myself counting the days down to know how much closer it was getting.

As I write the tears are flowing...it is SO hard to express what I am feeling inside. I feel like that now that it has been longer like this, that this is how everyone will remember him. I feel like my Dakota (the boy inside of that brain injured body) is going to be forgotten. I find myself forgetting things and that kills me!! Then when a memory comes back I am SO elated AND sad. Sad that that boy isn't with me anymore and probably never will be again in this life! I hate to sound ungrateful...because I love my brain injured child just as much as my healthy boy! But it doesn't mean that I don't long for my healthy boy. As I tucked Dakota in bed tonight and laid next to him...his angelic eyes and sweet smile melted my heart. There are SOOO many things I love about Dakota now that I never would have loved and appreciated had he not had a brain injury...but I long so deeply to hear his little words come out of his mouth again. To just hear the word "MOM" again would heal my broken heart. I miss it SO much!

As this Easter season approached I was so mixed with turmoil between gratitude and sorrow. My heart hurts so deeply that the little boy I once knew is gone but I have felt SO much gratitude for my Savior and my knowledge that this life is not the end. That because my Savior lived and died for me and was resurrected...I will get to see my perfect healthy boy again!

I know that this life is so short compared to the whole scheme of things but when your in the midst of it all...it is hard to comprehend. I AM SO grateful for my Savior and for the power the atonement has to heal my broken heart and to help me overcome the sorrow that has surrounded me the last couple of weeks...heck the last several years!! It is a daily struggle! I said it before in a blog post...I really don't think that "time heals"...it just helps. It is ONLY through our Savior that we can be healed. I'm not totally there yet OBVIOUSLY...but I am working every day to get there.

My cute little 17 year old friend Jessica whom I adore and let's me feel like a teenager again when I am with her ;) sent me this quote tonight as I sat here in tears (she must have been in tune to know I was in need)..."The greatest test of faith is when you don't get what you want, but still you are able to say THANK YOU LORD."
I most definitely didn't get what I wanted in life in many ways...but I am here tonight to say THANK YOU to my Heavenly Father for blessing me with many things...but mostly for the gift of having Dakota still here with me!
I love him deeply even though I miss him.

Facing my fear...THE FENCE

It's hard to describe Dakota's accident to people...how do you explain that "a fence" SOMEHOW...still not sure how...fell on top of my child and didn't allow him to breathe. When you think about this accident it is truly incomprehensible. How could a fence fall so perfectly on top of a little 2 year old that he couldn't breathe and cry out for help. It could have fallen a million different ways and different spots. It didn't even leave a cut, scratch, or mark on him...he just couldn't breathe.

It's hard for me to still wrap my mind around how this could have happened. The most logical explanation was that he tried to climb it and it fell back on him BUT I don't believe that is what happened either. Dakota was one of the most cautious and careful kids. He wasn't daring or crazy or adventurous. He liked to hold your hand when going down the stairs. He would say "I got you" and grab your arm when we held him over the sink to wash his hands. It just wasn't his nature to  do crazy things so climbing that fence just doesn't make sense.

Because of the craziness of how it all happened that turned my perfectly healthy 2 year old into a child with a traumatic brain injury...I know that it was supposed to happen. It was part of our Heavenly Father's plan for him...for us. This knowledge brings me some comfort but I look forward to the day where I can understand it all perfectly. I have a lot of questions for the man upstairs...hope He has time! ;)

We have gone back to my parents several times since the accident and it hasn't bothered me much. They live on 5 acres and we have been out back around where the accident happened a lot to ride horses and play.

BUT...it wasn't until this last trip down there for Thanksgiving that I realized I have NEVER actually looked at that exact spot where I found my sweet boy lying. I don't think consciously I ever realized this or did it on purpose...I just think I wasn't ready...even without ever thinking about it.

Well, one of the days we were there Dakota and I were riding horses with my dad out along the back of their property...and I did it. I looked over at that spot...I felt the need to. When I looked and saw that same fence rail that had fallen on him leaning against the fence I felt a rush of anger come over me. I was a little shocked it was still there. I wasn't mad at my parents I was just mad at that fence! I wanted to go cut it up in little pieces and throw it in a fire. Not that the fire would have done anything to it but I was just plain mad at that stupid fence!! WHY did it have to ruin my life?!

It took me a few minutes to come back to my senses and remember that if it wasn't that fence it would have been something else. It was all part of Heavenly Father's plan and it was going to happen with or without the fence. It could have been anything. (I still hate that fence though)

 

Many people...especially little kids wonder...what kind of fence fell on him. I think that is the #1 question that little kids ask me when they hear about Dakota. So now you can see...it's just a stupid little fence. Who would have known it had that much power to do such a horrible thing?! Not me!

I can't believe it has been a year!

It has been one year since the date of that horrible accident that has changed our lives forever! When you think of one year it doesn't seem that long but yet it seems like this is all we know anymore. When we think of our memories of Dakota before the accident, both Zach and I feel like it wasn't real. We can hardly believe that he used to say all the things he did or do all that he used to do. When we see kids his age doing things that a normal three year old does we really feel like they are super human or something. Although we remember SO much of what he used to be like it is hard to believe that this little boy we hold in our arms every day is that same boy. This year has been an emotional, spiritual, and physical roller coaster for our family that has changed us in so many ways.

About six months ago I dreaded this year mark and I hated every day that brought us closer to it. Mostly because of what the doctors said. They made it seem like the year point is where most of the progression we would see in Dakota would stop. After talking to the people at NACD I no longer fear that the year is the end. I know it is possible for him to keep progressing and I won't give up my hope and faith just because it has been a year. So as this year mark rolled around Zach and I were both doing pretty good. It really was like just any other day, mostly because every day is hard. Almost every day we are still reminded of how much we miss that little boy running and playing and it doesn't matter what day it happened because every day without him is as painful as the next. Although on the outside I didn't feel much different I can tell I have been a little on edge emotionally lately and Zach and I have had our little tiffs more often lately. I think deep down there is some pain of knowing that it has been a whole year since we have heard the voice of our most precious gift and how desperately we miss it.

A lot has changed over this year. We have come a long way with Dakota and with ourselves. There were points where we didn't think we could face another day but we have made it for 365 days (actually 366 today) and we are still going strong. We keep putting one foot in front of the other and it does seem to get a little easier as time goes on. The best way to describe our life at this year point is manageable. We feel somewhat in control of our lives again and as Dakota has continued to heal and progress we are able to do a lot more things that at one point seemed impossible. Although Dakota still has a LONG way to go, if we think back to where he was at a year ago, it is quite amazing and miraculous to see how far he HAS come. He went from not even being able to look at you or move his eyes, not being able to move his body at all, no expression, no sounds, on a ventilator to breathe for him... to a little boy with so much light in his eyes that not only can look at you but observe things around him, moving his limbs and body all over the place (still working on control and coordination), sometimes even rolling, lots of expression and understanding, babbling, and being capped with his trach (breathing completely on his own). So although it's hard sometimes to see how far we have come because I am always so focused on how far we have to go, I have to admit...this kid is giving it his best shot and I am so proud of him!

Several days after the accident. Started to open his eyes briefly but no reaction behind them.

2 weeks. Got tubes out of mouth. Trach and g-tube surgeries done.

About a month after. Head was constantly turned to the left, tounge was out a lot. Sleeping and wake cycles completely off. Lots of spasticity (legs straight out and arms bent up)

Almost a couple months out started to look and track Buzz with lights for few seconds.

Few months out. Home. Zach made this contraption to put his head in to force him to stay in the middle instead of to the left. He chunked up quite a bit from the formula. He was always hot and sweaty because he wasn't regulating his body temp right.

3-4 months out showed signs of first smile!

5-6 months out looking more like himself. Wearing the speaking valve all the time. Smile is getting bigger!

Now...looking like his handsome self and capped all day long. Getting stronger all the time!

Emotionally, time over this year and through the help of a loving Saviour, both Zach and I have healed SOME of the pain in our hearts. When that tragic day happened and I almost lost Dakota I have to admit all the life and light inside of me was gone. I was in a very dark hole that I didn't think I would ever be able to climb out of. I even thought to my self several times...I am going to need some serious help and counseling. For the first several months that day haunted my mind and the image of finding Dakota's little body laying there with no life, limp in my arms, watching them perform CPR on him killed me. It would creep into my mind out of nowhere and bring me to tears. I didn't know if it would ever go away. But I truly believe my Saviour Jesus Christ has been there for me in these darkest hours and has helped to carry this heavy load that has been weighing me down. I am okay to talk about that day and even to think about it now. It doesn't haunt me anymore although I wish with all my heart I could go back in time and change the outcome.

We spent the one year anniversary at a funeral for an amazing 30 year old husband, father of 3, son, brother, and friend who died from complications of a car accident with his wife and dad two weeks prior. My heart was broken for this family and it made me realize how much we just never know what will happen tomorrow so I can't waste today worrying about tomorrow. I want to soak up every minute of this life and recognize every blessing that I do have. As hard as it was to go through all of this with Dakota, I couldn't imagine losing Zach. So in memory of Dakota's year mark and Thanksgiving since they are so tied together, it is my hope and prayer that we will all count our blessings, forget the stupid little things that don't matter in the long run that we spend so much time worrying over, and enjoy every minute of every day...because we don't know what God's plan is for us and how much time we have....although we like to think we do...we don't. Spend time with those you love and cherish the little moments. I know for me, if I just would have know that last Thanksgiving day that this was my last day and moment to spend with my little healthy Dakota I would have done things a little different. I would have held him a little more, played with him more, got more kisses from him, raced with him, laughed with him, let him snuggle in our bed longer or all night. I am thankful that I still have him though. I do miss a lot of things but I am blessed to still be able to hold him, to look at his gorgeous face, to see his most handsome smile, to kiss that soft face, hold his tiny hands, hear his sounds and little laugh, talk to him, and just be his mom.

Last Thanksgiving...one day before the accident.

Getting ready to go on a wagon ride with his cousins

Uncle Riley giving us a ride

I LOVE YOU DAKOTA...AND AM SO GLAD THAT YOU ARE MINE!!!

P.S. Thank you to all of you who sent texts and messages our way during this time. We appreciate so much you thinking of us and Dakota!! I know I say this a lot but we REALLY couldn't do it without the love and support of so many wonderful people! Thank you!

P.S.S. This family who lost their dad, husband, and son (His name was D.J. Rogers) could really use some financial help from anyone who can help out. He was self-employed (we know how hard that is insurance wise) working 3 different types of jobs. His wife and dad are still both recovering physically from their injuries and now she is left with all the medical bills plus providing for 3 children. If anyone has any great ideas for fundraisors or anything please let me know. I am a horrible planner but a great worker! Or if you would just like to donate I will post more info on an account or something set up for them. I know it is Christmas time and money is tight but if everyone who even reads this can give a little we can make a big difference for a family who really needs it! Like Zach said..."If I died I would hope people would take care of you and Dakota. I don't want D.J. to have to worry about his wife and kids."

Post-Surgery

Surgery went well and he is looking more and more like his little self each day. It is so fun to see his sweet little face and kiss him all over! I'm sure if he could talk to us he would tell us to lay off but we just can't.

Pre-surgery...cuddling with his BIG Buzz.

On his way down to surgery.

Post surgery-look at that handsome face!!

We are so grateful that all went well with the surgery and he is recovering well from it. Since the tube has been out of his mouth he seems to move his lips and tongue a lot more. I like to think he is trying to talk to me and give us kisses. His trach is still connected to the ventilator since the surgery and they are beginning to wean him off of that to see if he can go completely without the ventilator. We are praying that he will continue to do well. We still continue to wait patiently and rejoice in all the little things that we see. The doctors still can not tell us either way at this point whether there will be any recovery or not. They seem concerned that he has not made more progress then he has at this point but that does not mean there is not a chance. We continue to recognize that it is all in the Lord's hands as it has been from the very beginning. We continue to see tender mercies from the Lord that give us strength and faith that Dakota is fighting hard to recover and the Lord is by His side.  Please keep him in your prayers as a few more miracles are needed. We have witnessed so many miracles already that we cannot doubt for second that the few miracles needed are so possible.

He is that little engine that can! (check out his cute little splints...he has to wear them on and off like his boots to keep his hands from curling in)

Zach and I continue to be in awe at the love and support that we have and continue to receive from so many! We feel so blessed to have so many behind us cheering Dakota on. We can honestly say that we have THE BEST friends and family in the whole world. Our lives have been touched by so many through your love and concern, even people we have never met. We cannot express the full amount of gratitude that is in our hearts! So, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!! We could not do this without all of you! Here are a few pics of the tiny amount of love and support that has been given to us. It has all brightened up Dakota's room so much and has made it so much more happier to be in.

His cute room!

Cute poster his aunt Annie made

So many cute cards and pictures made with love just for him

More...

More...Check out the cute poster his Aunt Jenny made of all the things he likes to do.

Beautiful flowers sent by our sweet friends

Our cute friends sent us this adorable Christmas Tree and some presents for us and Dakota. Sad to say we had kind of forgotten that Christmas is coming with all of this going on and it was a sweet reminder and such cute presents! Dakota is sure getting spoiled in all of this!

Thanks EVERYONE!

Besides all of this, the physical support that we have been given from our wonderful parents and siblings has helped us so much. Doug and Vicki (Zach's parents) just left back to Utah today. They flew in the day it happened and have been here: sleeping in the hospital, taking turns on the night shift, running errands for us, making us laugh, supporting us when we cried, giving us hugs and kisses, taking all the pictures, and so much more. They left their jobs and life behind to be here with us when we needed it most and it has meant the world to us. It was sad to see them go but I know that we can't be selfish and keep them cooped up here in the hospital forever. My parents have also been amazing through this all. They sat in the hospital waiting room with us crying that whole first day, they missed my brother's wedding reception that was at their house with all their friends that they had worked so hard to prepare for, they have brought us countless meals, done all our laundry, give us breaks to leave the hospital, have gone to the temple a handful of times, laughed with us, cried with us, and gave us hugs and kisses when we needed it most! We couldn't have made it through this without our AMAZING parents!! We love them so much and are grateful to have them in our life!

Dakota's cute grandma's and our cute moms! Making him move and do his exercises.

Goodbye Doug and Vicki. Thanks for all you have done!

I know I have mentioned before that we have been strengthened beyond our own strength and this strength has made me ponder about how this is possible. We have wondered, how can we feel peace in the midst of tragedy? How can we feel happiness when our son is lying in a hospital bed? How do we not just cry all day at the thought of what has happened? Don't get me wrong...we have shed many tears and we still have moments where we feel the weight of what has happened, but for the most part we honestly are in amazement at the strength, comfort, peace, and joy that we feel. We have pondered a lot about this and have come to understand just a tiny bit more about the atonement of our savior Jesus Christ. He truly suffered for us. He felt the pain and sadness that we have felt and has carried this burden upon His back for us that we are able to have our load lightened during this tough time. It is hard to believe that He would do this for me but I know that He did. He has done it for each one of us because He loves us. What a perfect love He has for us! What a great example to follow! My gratitude and love for my Savior has increased SO much because of this.

Keep fighting Dakota!!! We all love you SOOO much!!