3 Years an Angel

November 26th marked 3 years since Dakota’s accident. This 3 year mark was definitely a time of reflection for me. I allowed myself to go back to that dreadful day…and just remember. I remembered it ALL!! You may wonder why in the world would anyone want to remember that…don’t you want to forget?! But the answer is NO!

Although that day and the weeks and months that followed were the worst days of my entire life…I felt pain I never knew existed. That pain has helped me to realize and appreciate what PURE joy really is! As I cried tears of pain remembering how dark and hurtful that time was in my life I also smiled and cried tears of joy as I see how far not only Dakota but WE have come as a family. I remember still clear as day after months of enduring the pain and hardships of our new life…wanting to fast forward. I knew one day I would see and feel light and happiness again I just didn’t know when that would ever be. I didn’t want to endure and suffer one more day…I would have fast forwarded 3, 5, 10 years…however long it took to feel happiness and joy again.

Life obviously hasn’t fast forwarded for me, I have worked hard and endured every day for the last 3 years but today I smile because I made it!! I feel joy again in my life and I appreciate it more then EVER before because I know how quickly things can change and I know what REAL pain is. Life is obviously still not easy or perfect and we still have our struggles but we smile, we laugh, and we enjoy being together and that is truly ALL that matters.

The fact that we even feel ready to take on another child is a miracle. I honestly didn't know when or if that day would ever come but here we are!

Zach has been a little stressed lately with lots of things and I texted him that day and just said, “Remember what you felt 3 years ago. ALL of your stress and worries today didn't matter. We got through that …we can get through this. We got this! ;)

So…as I reflect on Dakota’s 3 year anniversary mark of gaining his angel wings, I smile at amazement at how far he has come. As I look back at all the pictures it is SO clear! As I remember those days, weeks, months, and even years following the accident and how little he could do or even respond, I am SO grateful today for where we are at. When we came home from the hospital his head was stuck to the left. He couldn’t move his body or arms and legs at all. His tongue was out all the time. He was overweight from the formula. His face was always red and sweaty because his body couldn’t regulate his temperature. His eyes could barely track and if they did it was just for a few seconds. His eyes were often focused just up. He had no response or even acknowledgement to things or people.


Today I see a 5 year old cowboy full of personality. His eyes sparkle with happiness and excitement again and he tracks anything especially his mom and dad when they come in the room or a succor. He smiles again and that is the BEST! I tell him all the time he has a magic smile. It is magic because it lights up the room and it makes everyone who sees it smile too!

He moves his whole body and has become quite the roller. Just Thanksgiving morning I laid him on this blanket facing his tool box to eat his breakfast and this is where I found him several minutes later when I came back in.


I’m stuck mom!

He communicates with us in his own simple ways and we understand each other. He is the same little boy inside a body that he still can’t quite control completely but he is happy and healthy!!

I still miss that funny, active, cowboy I once had running around and making lots of noise but I adore my quiet, gentle, and sweet cowboy just as much. He is the same but different and I love him now just as much as I loved him then. He has sacrificed so much to teach me EVERYTHING I know. He is my light!!

So Dakota…Happy 3rd anniversary of gaining your angel wings. Keep letting your light shine to others and share that magic smile that mom and dad love so much!! WE LOVE YOU!!

Just because I LOVE to remember him before…here is a video of my cute little muscle man when he was 22 months! (I know it's nothing out of the ordinary of other kids videos but to me it is so so special! Just seeing him walk, move, and talk is amazing! ;))

2 Years Ago Our Lives were FOREVER changed

Today marks the 2 year anniversary of the day my little world was shattered to pieces. Thinking back to that day makes me physically nauseous. It's the day my perfect, healthy boy sacrificed his little body and brain to teach his mom and dad and SO many others around him how to appreciate the little things, how to love more deeply, and how much we need our Savior Jesus Christ in our lives.

I didn't think it would affect me too much today...it's just another day. Every day when I look at Dakota I am reminded of that day...why would November 26th change anything? But it has been different already. I shed a few tears of sadness but mostly I just wanted to hold Dakota a little tighter, kiss him a little more, and just appreciate his sweet face.

Every day is still a challenge to cope and handle what we have been given, BUT I have learned a lot along the way and today I am grateful more then ever to have my sweet little Dakota to hug and hold.

I think he knew that this was gonna be hard time for his mom because this last week and a half he has been EXTREMELY happy and sweet and SO fun to be around. He knew I needed it now more then ever. He is the smartest and sweetest little angel I have and ever will meet.

The other day Zach  (who is not always the most positive thinker) told me...I started thinking...if Dakota turned back to the healthy boy that he once was today...would I miss anything from the way he is now? He said YES I would! So if there is something to miss...their is something to be grateful for! Then ended with...it's easier said then done.
It is SO true. Even though I still desperately miss my active, healthy, and playful boy...there are SO many things about the way he is now that I love. It's a different kind of love that I can't even describe. But my heart is full with love and gratitude for HIM!!

My sweetest friend whom I met only because of Dakota sent me this AMAZING poem and necklace. She said not to open it til today...I was tempted ;) but waited and I'm SO grateful I did!

It has a D, an angel wing, a cowboy boot, and his birth stone!

IN LOVE!! THANK YOU JENELL!!!

I have to share the poem she gave me because it is PERFECTLY written for my brave little Dakota. I truly believe he chose to suffer for me and anyone else whose lives have crossed his path...so PLEASE read it and cry with me! ;)

Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. He especially enjoyed the love he saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day he saw suffering in the world. He approached God and sadly asked "Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?" God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people's hearts." The little soul was confused.  "What do you mean?" he asked. God replied, "Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and they become motivated by love alone."

The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued. "The suffering soul unlocks the love in people's hearts much like the sun and rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this- it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer- to unlock this love- to create this miracle for the good of all humanity."

Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain himself. With his wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied, "I am brave; let me go! I would like to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people's harts! I want to create that miracle!"
God smiled and said, "You area brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you."

God and the brave soul shared a smile, and then embraced. In parting, God said, "Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed."
Thus at that moment the brave soul was born into the world, and through his suffering and God's strength, he unlocked the goodness and love in people's hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and come together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys, and some regained lost faith- many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened. God was pleased.

THANK YOU MY BRAVE LITTLE DAKOTA...FOR SUFFERING FOR ME!! I ALWAYS HAVE KNOWN YOU ARE SO MUCH BRAVER, STRONGER, SMARTER, SWEETER, AND LOVING THEN ME! THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME BE YOUR MOM!! I LOVE YOU TO THE MOON AND BACK...AND THEN SOME MORE!!!!










I ran across this video as I was searching for something. It was when Dakota was just barely 1! Had to share it because I love that sweet face and laugh!!

Rough few days

Wanted to just give up today...throw in the towel!!! We don't know what's up with Dakota lately. Seriously things can never just stay the same around here or just keep looking up.When you think you are coping okay...not good but at least okay and life is manageable...not great but manageable...look out...at least for us. All the sudden the last few days Dakota is having a lot of spasticity and tone again and crying ALL the time. Not just a whine cry a bloody murder cry. I know when he gets all tight and stiff like he does it probably hurts his muscles and makes him cry more and there is nothing I can do to help him. I can't tell if he stiffens up and it hurts and then he cries or if something else is bothering or hurting him so he cries and stiffens up because of that. There are a million and one things that I just don't know and no one to turn to. As I drove in my car and he was screaming and crying with tears, snot, and spit running down his little face I just cried too and let the tears and snot run down my face too.

There is nothing worse as a mom to not know how to help your child. There is nothing worse then not being able to put a smile on your child's face no matter how hard you try. And there is nothing worse then not having anyone to turn to to help you. My friend said can you call the doctor? Yeah...I could but after all of our experiences I can tell you right now they won't know either. They can check out his ears and throat and do some vitals but in the end there guess is probably as good as mine. They will probably just switch up some meds to experiment and hope that helps...so my messages I left them today are really no comfort for any help. I wished so badly there was SOMEONE, ANYONE I could call that could help me, give me some tips, some suggestions...but there is NO ONE. I just wanted to talk to someone that could understand me and all of my mixed up feelings and emotions. Someone that could give me some hope that it WILL get better. I did call on my Heavenly Father through my tears as I drove...I hope He heard me tonight...I hope He will help.

It's times like this where I have to wonder...why does he have to suffer like this? Why does he have to be in so much pain, be so miserable and unhappy? Why did he choose to stay here instead of go to that place of peace and happiness...free from all pain and sorrow? To teach me I guess. To touch the lives of others. To be an earthly angel to help others appreciate what they have and remember what is important. I look forward to the day when I will see and understand the whole plan! For now...I will keep trusting in my Savior that there is a GOOD purpose to all of this.

I will try and remember the quote my mother in law has in her bathroom tonight..."There is always, always, something to be thankful for." I know there is...even through my tears. That's what keeps me going when I don't want to take on another day!

"MOMENTS"

"MOMENTS"

These are what Zach and I call them. They are hard to describe but I will do my best. Moments are when your heart aches so bad that tears flow out uncontrollably. You can't prepare for them because they come without any warning. They come anywhere, anytime, no matter who is around. They can come while your driving in your car, in the middle of the store, at church, at home, even at the Taylor Swift concert. There is no one thing that sets them off, just a million random things that you are never prepared for. It can be a picture, a memory, a thought, a child, a child standing at a bus stop, a saying that pops into your head, a whole culmination of events that finally hit you like a ton of bricks. If you are around people you can try and hide the tears that are sitting right on the surface but I don't think I ever fool anyone. And as soon as you are alone they come out uncontrollably until you can't cry anymore.

They used to come almost daily, then weekly, and now they aren't as frequent...just random times. Usually Zach and I have them at different times but we can tell when each other are having one and you just say...You having a moment? And that is all you need to do. There is nothing you can say or do to help the other...just let the tears flow. When you are done, in a small way it feels a little better to have let them all out. It's almost as if they were waiting, just sitting there for somethings to tip them off.

Tonight Zach and I both had one at family dinner. I looked at him sitting on the couch in the middle of me trying to keep them in so that everyone around me wouldn't think I was crazy (cuz one minute you are just fine and then BAM...there is no way to explain it or expect anyone to understand how bad it hurts) and I could see in his face...even though the tears weren't coming out that he was having one too. When we got in the car all I asked was...did you have a moment? Then we both just sat in silence crying the whole way home.

I don't write about this for anyone to feel sorry for us...just to explain the feeling because I'm sure there are many others who have there own "moments" just didn't have a label for them. Anyone who has lost someone they love, struggled maybe to have a child, gone through a bad accident or illness with a loved one, or have just gone through a really hard trial I'm sure knows what these are.

I wasn't expecting one today but it came and went. To help me break out of this moment I read a letter that a dear, sweet lady whom I deeply love and adore wrote to me. I won't tell who she is because she is so humble and sweet that I know she would want no recognition but I hope she doesn't mind I share a few of her words that bring a ray of hope and sunshine back when I need it most...

"You will probably never ever realize here on earth, what your journey means to others- but when we stand before God in heaven, I believe Jesus will be by your side and maybe say something like this: "This one is mine, Father God. She is my child." Then He will turn and say, "Well done- my true and faithful servant." And then your dear heart, Dakota, will run and jump into the arms that have held him so gently- and the hands that have so tenderly wiped his tears away- and look into your eyes and you will hear, in the strong voice you know so well, "I love you Mommy." "

I don't know how it will be in the end...but reading those words bring me a little bit of peace, hope, and joy that I know will one day be fully mine if I endure this life here on earth to the best of my complete ability. I know these moments will continue to come...I don't know when the next one will be...but I know even through the tears that there is hope for a brighter future whether in this life or the next...and I can't WAIT for that day when Dakota will run into my arms again and I can hear his most precious voice again!!!

Until then I will keep on keepin on!

This amazing lady also gave me this song with her letter...listened to it A LOT today. Take a listen and really listen to the words...AMAZING and BEAUTIFUL!! (Maybe my healing is coming through these tears???)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQs

SOMEBODY SHOULD HAVE CAUGHT HIM

"Somebody should have caught him"...are the words that echo in my mind as I end my Christmas day. They are the words spoken by my sweet, humble innocent 5 year old nephew to his mom tonight as he so curiously and lovingly stared at Dakota as I got him ready for bed tonight asking very inquisitive questions. He is the second child to speak those words to me since Dakota's accident. They don't offend me or hurt my feelings in any way because I know they are spoken with only the sincerity, humility, honesty, and love that a child has.

But as I ponder on those words they are what my heart longs for. Why couldn't that fence have fallen on him when an adult was nearby? Why couldn't one of his older cousins have been there to help him or get help instead of his innocent 1 year old cousin who was playing so innocently by him when  I found him?Why couldn't I have checked on him sooner? SOMEBODY SHOULD HAVE CAUGHT HIM!" I feel that same way and I don't understand why it had to happen.

This Christmas day and every day for that matter could have been so much different. Tears tonight and sitting in church wouldn't have filled my eyes today if somebody would have caught him. Instead of tears of sadness I could have felt feelings of excitement, anticipation, and pure joy today if somebody just would have caught him. Don't get me wrong it wasn't all a sad day...we had some great fun with my wonderful family but I'm not gonna lie...it was so hard to see all of my nieces and nephews SO excited and talking about everything they got and love. When you have your first baby those first couple Christmas' are not too exciting until they really start to understand. This would have been that year for us...his first Christmas that we got to experience the pure joy and excitement that a child brings into your life but it wasn't, because nobody was there to catch him.

I know everything happens for a reason and that we were given this trial to learn and grow but I still haven't gained that full insight and understanding of it all yet so it is still really hard to bear. Especially going through Zach's vision loss and then this. We were still trying to learn and grow from that trial when this happened so it is all just a huge mess of confusion that we are still trying to wrap our minds around. After Zach's vision loss Dakota was his light in the darkness. He could make Zach laugh and smile on some of his "darkest" days. So as you can imagine this has been so hard to handle for him. When he couldn't see the sweet details of Dakota's face anymore he at least had the sound of his cute voice and laughs so it was as if he could still see his sweet face. To have that taken from him too, is hard to bear.

We are still so grateful for each new day with Dakota but I just wish SOMEBODY COULD HAVE CAUGHT HIM!