There was a time 3 1/2 years ago I thought the gift of motherhood was going to be taken from me! As I saw my son laying on that bed, the thought that if he dies, then I am no longer a mom…RIPPED at my heart strings. The thought of that beloved title that I took for granted until that day was the hardest thing to bare!
Fortunately for me…that title wasn’t taken from me although Dakota’s ability to say “mom” was. Being a mom for me now LOOKS a lot different then what it did before that day, but being a mom MEANS more to me now then it did before that day!!
I learned from this trial that being a mom is a LITERAL gift from God! It is something that only He can give us and when he does give us that gift we must cherish it with ALL of our hearts…because he can also take it from us at any time.
I was always that person that thought…that would never happen to ME! Things like this happened to other people I watched on the news…not me! Well…tragedy can strike anyone at anytime…including me!! No one is immune and no one can prepare for it.
So even though being a mom is literally the hardest job in the world and at times you feel a little crazy…never take the title of MOM for granted and cherish EVERY day you have with your kids! Because it is literally the best and most rewarding job in the world!!
Happy Mother’s Day to all of you mom’s out there!!! And a very special Mother’s Day to ALL the woman in my life that are true examples of what a mother truly is…there are too many of you to name!
I just have to share my MOST favorite quote by one amazing woman and mother…Marjorie Pay Hinckley!
I'll probably never get to have that bumper sticker that says, "my kid is an honor student" or the one with a soccer ball and Dakota's jersey number on it BUT...I'm thinking about making my own bumper sticker that says "MY KID LEARNED THE COLOR RED!" ;)
For almost every mom out there...when your child learned their colors you were probably proud but not as proud as THIS MOM when I went to Dakota's parent teacher conference in October. I have said it before but I'll say it again...I LOVE Dakota's teachers!! I loved them last year but this year I love even more. The teachers treat him like a 4 year old and work with him on the same things that the other kids work on. They were working on colors with the other kids so they said that's what Dakota will work on to (along with other things that he needs. ;) )
They started at first holding up two colors and 1 always being red and would ask him to look at the red. He never got it right at first but over the last little while has begun to get it right almost every time.
I also learned that they think his FAVORITE color is blue...such a boy! ;) They let him choose which color to put on his art stuff by having him look at it and he always would choose blue. So one day the teacher decided not to put blue in as a choice to see what he would choose and he refused to look at any of them. WHAT A STINKER POT...stubborn like another man I know that lives in this house! ;) They added blue back in and that is what he chose!
To add to my MOMMY PROUDNESS I got this note from Dakota's teacher just the other day in his back and forth notebook.
10/26/12
Tommy's parents asked if Dakota would be interested in having a play date? Tommy talks a lot about Dakota and would love to have them get together. Let me know and I will give you their number.
Now Dakota has a lot of kids that love him and are his friends BUT most are friends because their parents are friends with us and they talk about Dakota to them and instill a love for him in them. BUT this is Dakota's first REAL friend since his accident that loves him because of him and wants to play with him outside of school! He had some GREAT girlfriends last year but never got asked to hang out outside of school. So of course this made my heart SOOOO happy that this sweet little Tommy who is just a normal healthy little boy (I'm sure with lots of friends) wants to play with my sweet Dakota!! Now I just need to figure out how to word all of that into MY bumper sticker! ;)
Dakota and Tommy...his friend and protector!!
A couple more pics when the firefighters came to visit!
Happy Mother's Day to all you amazing mother's out there! I'll have to say I had a pretty happy day myself. It all started yesterday when Dakota was the happiest boy he has ever been in a long time...at the race and all (thanks again to all who came out...we had a blast and appreciated all the love and support in behalf of Dakota and Dylan!...more to post on that later).
Later that night Zach and Dakota even went shopping with me (me shopping...shocker ;) )to pick out some colored jeans for my Mother's Day present. They were both so sweet and patient as I tried on and tried on and had to make that tough decision about what color to buy! ;) Zach was just happy that he didn't have to pick a present for me and it was so fun to have them with me!
Today was another special day. Wasn't sure how I would do at church since last year made me cry to see all the kids up on the stand singing to their moms and me wondering if I will ever see my child up their singing to me.
WELL...thanks to his AMAZING primary teacher Sister Fife (and my friend!) she came up and scooped him up in her arms, carried him up to the stand, and held him up there with all the kids. Even though no words came out of his mouth (just a few whines) as they sang "Mother, I Love You," I felt his little spirit singing to my heart and I couldn't help but tear up tears of happiness that I have the privilege of being an ANGELS mom...and I knew that he meant those words and he did love me even though he couldn't say it anymore!!
Even though many days are hard and I often wonder and worry about what the future holds...I wouldn't trade that sweet boy for the world! Being a mother is truly an honor, a privilege, and a gift from God.
That tragic day when my whole world came crashing down and I wasn't sure if my little boy was going to make it...my biggest fear was not being a mom anymore. He was all I had and without him...I wouldn't be a mom anymore. I didn't want that most sacred calling of being a mother taken from me when I knew how WONDERFUL it was. I couldn't fathom the fact. I felt like if I wasn't a mom then I was NOTHING. My whole identity would be stolen from me. It is amazing how powerful, sacred, and treasured that title is.
So today I am SOOOOO grateful to still have the title of being a mom to one of the most special boys God has ever created! Thank you Dakota for letting me be your mom! I know I'm not perfect but I love you with ALL my heart!!!!
I also have to say on this special day how grateful I am for 2 of the most amazing moms in mine and Zach's life...Cinda and Vicki! I couldn't ask for 2 better examples of mothers who have such a pure, sincere love for their children and would give anything in the world for them. There has never a day gone by that I have ever had to question their love for us. They have both sacrificed so much for us! I truly feel like I have 2 moms and not a mother in law...I feel that close to Vicki. Those of you who know these 2 ladies know what I am talking about!!! For those of you who ask me how I do it? The answer is because of my mom. She has taught me how to work, how to sacrifice, how to love, how to serve, and how to be tough. Without these things I surely would have given up by now!
I saw this quote the other day: "A man who treats his woman like a princess is a proof that he was born and raised in the arms of a queen." Zach most definitely was raised in the arms of a queen!! I can honestly say, I have never heard Zach say 1 negative thing about his mother and neither could I. Both of these ladies are HUGE blessings in our lives and I love them with ALL my heart! HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Vicki (Zach's mom)
Cinda (my mom)
And can't forget these special ladies either!!!
Grandma Rhees
Nannie
Grandma Goodman
And Grandma Winterton and Minnie who are helping us daily from above!!!
Wanted to just give up today...throw in the towel!!! We don't know what's up with Dakota lately. Seriously things can never just stay the same around here or just keep looking up.When you think you are coping okay...not good but at least okay and life is manageable...not great but manageable...look out...at least for us. All the sudden the last few days Dakota is having a lot of spasticity and tone again and crying ALL the time. Not just a whine cry a bloody murder cry. I know when he gets all tight and stiff like he does it probably hurts his muscles and makes him cry more and there is nothing I can do to help him. I can't tell if he stiffens up and it hurts and then he cries or if something else is bothering or hurting him so he cries and stiffens up because of that. There are a million and one things that I just don't know and no one to turn to. As I drove in my car and he was screaming and crying with tears, snot, and spit running down his little face I just cried too and let the tears and snot run down my face too.
There is nothing worse as a mom to not know how to help your child. There is nothing worse then not being able to put a smile on your child's face no matter how hard you try. And there is nothing worse then not having anyone to turn to to help you. My friend said can you call the doctor? Yeah...I could but after all of our experiences I can tell you right now they won't know either. They can check out his ears and throat and do some vitals but in the end there guess is probably as good as mine. They will probably just switch up some meds to experiment and hope that helps...so my messages I left them today are really no comfort for any help. I wished so badly there was SOMEONE, ANYONE I could call that could help me, give me some tips, some suggestions...but there is NO ONE. I just wanted to talk to someone that could understand me and all of my mixed up feelings and emotions. Someone that could give me some hope that it WILL get better. I did call on my Heavenly Father through my tears as I drove...I hope He heard me tonight...I hope He will help.
It's times like this where I have to wonder...why does he have to suffer like this? Why does he have to be in so much pain, be so miserable and unhappy? Why did he choose to stay here instead of go to that place of peace and happiness...free from all pain and sorrow? To teach me I guess. To touch the lives of others. To be an earthly angel to help others appreciate what they have and remember what is important. I look forward to the day when I will see and understand the whole plan! For now...I will keep trusting in my Savior that there is a GOOD purpose to all of this.
I will try and remember the quote my mother in law has in her bathroom tonight..."There is always, always, something to be thankful for." I know there is...even through my tears. That's what keeps me going when I don't want to take on another day!
First off, Happy Mother's Day to all of you mother's out there....especially our two amazing moms! The thing I truly loved most about this day is thinking about what amazing mom's we have and all the amazing moms out there who touch my life each day by their examples and make me wanna be a better mom. I LOVE that we have a full day to celebrate motherhood. To be completely honest though it was a REALLY rough day for me. I got to go to church today while Zach stayed home with Dakota. Seeing all of the beautiful children up there on the stand singing to their moms just made me want to bawl...I did my best to hold it together though but it was hard. I used to see those kids up there and think...I can't wait for Dakota to be old enough to do that so I can watch him...today I just thought...will I ever get to hear Dakota sing again? I miss his little voice so much and ALL of the things he used to say. It almost makes me wish he wasn't such an early talker and so good at it because I have all of his little things he said trapped in my memory which I love but also hurts so much. I wonder if he hadn't learned to really talk would it still be this hard??? I'm sure it would but I will never know. All I can do is just keep hoping that some day I will hear that little voice again say, "Mommy you look pretty." Zach came across this video the other day looking for work stuff of Dakota just repeatedly singing "You got a friend in me!" from Toy Story...I thought this would be the perfect time to post it and remember that sweet little voice.
(don't mind my singing along)
We did go to the Friedli's weekly Sunday dinner tonight for the first time ever since Dakota's accident. I have missed going SO much. I always looked forward to going there each week and it has been really hard to not have that so I was really excited about it. I wasn't expecting it to be so hard on me once we were there though. It brought back all of the memories and things that Dakota LOVED to do there. That was seriously his favorite place to be in the whole world...along with my parents in AZ. It was hard because I wanted to see him playing and doing what he loved to do but instead he just had to lay in someones arms which of course nobody minded. There are just so many fun memories we have there and it just wasn't quite the same. I'm sure it will get easier the more we go and don't get me wrong we LOVED the company but what can I say...it was just a hard mother's day.
Hangin out with Uncle Ryan
Hangin with Poppy
Just being handsome...sporting this cute triangle bib my Aunt Jen made me.
On a lighter note to celebrate all of you mom's out there who have a child with a disability...I read these articles Vicki found in this magazine and they listed "Why moms of special-needs kids rock!" and I thought this would be the perfect day to share them...and they are ALL TOTALLY true! So here it goes...
1. Because we never thought that "doing it all" would mean doing this much. But we do it all, and then some.
2. Because we've discovered patience we never knew we had.
3. Because we are willing to do something 10 times, 1000 times if that's what it takes for our kids to learn something new.
4. Because we have heard doctors tell us the worst and we've refused to believe them.
5. Because we have bad days and breakdown and bawl fests, then we pick ourselves up and keep right on going.
6. Because we manage to get ourselves together and out the door looking pretty damn good. Heck, we even make sweatpants look attractive.
7. Because we are strong. Who knew we could be this strong?
8. Because we aren't just moms, wives, cleaners, chauffeurs, cooks and women who work. We are also physical therapists, speech therapists, occupational therapists, teachers, nurses, researchers, coaches, and cheerleaders.
9. Because we give our kids endless love and still have so much love left for our other kids, our husbands, our family. (and I add friends)
10. Because we understand our kids better than anyone else does- even if they can't talk or gesture or look us in the eye. We know. We just know.
11. Because we never stop pushing, or hoping, for our kids.
12. Because just when it seems like things are going OK, they're suddenly not, but we deal. We deal even when it seems like our heads or hearts might explode.
13. Because when we look at our kids we just see great kids. Not kids with cerebral palsy/autism/Down Syndrome/whatever label.
I know I'm a little late but I had to write about Easter too. It was our first real venture out of the house. Zach's sweet Grandma Marilyn has a Easter party every year and it is always so fun. Well we weren't planning on going in fact Zach hadn't even told me when it was so I knew it wasn't even on the agenda of going this year. (We are just still really cautious about Dakota getting sick and all) The Saturday before Easter rolled around and it was just another really hard day for me. I promise for the most part I am doing well although this post may not sound like it...but I am. That morning I was just really emotional. Zach's parents usually watch Dakota one night on the weekend so Zach and I can go out and have a little break and they called that morning to say that they were sick and couldn't and out of nowhere I just started crying. (I know you are thinking crazy lady) I wasn't upset at them or even upset about not going on a date...it just hit me hard how much I just miss being able to go places as a family. If Zach and I wanted to go out on a night and we didn't have a sitter or it was last minute...we of course just took Dakota with us and had fun. We can't do that anymore...at least yet...and it is so hard. We never go anywhere as a family anymore unless it is to the hospital, doctors, chamber, or something medically related. Not long before Dakota's accident we went out to dinner to a Mexican food place and Dakota was just used to the waiter's asking how we were doing so EVERY time the waiter would even walk by...whether they were planning on talking to us or not...Dakota would say, "we're good. Just eatin some chips." I missed those memories and experiences with him and just doing fun things as a family. Needless to say...Zach got a little worried about my emotional state, and told me that the Easter party at Grandma's was today, and that we should go. I was totally in! That got my spirits up and going again. It was so good to see all of the family. We hadn't seen most of them since before the accident since we haven't had visitors because of the germ thing. It was still a little rough though when all the kids got to go out and find eggs and I had to sit on the chair with Dakota. I wanted him to be able to look for eggs like last year. He was not totally understanding the whole concept last year and this year we would have had a blast. Holidays are hard. The first time I went to Walmart and saw all the Easter stuff I had to hold back the tears. I know that that is not what really matters when we celebrate Easter and my thoughts were definitely turned toward my Saviour a lot more this year then any other year. Easter had a greater meaning to me and my gratitude for his atoning sacrifice and Resurrection has definitely grown. He is what helps get me through each day and gives me strength to keep going. At times when I feel all alone I find SO much comfort in knowing that He truly does know EXACTLY how I feel and because He made it through it even with so much more weight on his shoulders then what I am carrying...I can do it too...because He will help me.
Dakotas First Easter..handsome little devil!
Dakota's second Easter
Chillin with his cousin Houston...cuties
This year I didn't get good ones.
Hagin with his mom...This is his cute cowboy shirt I wrote about.
Zach was out working at his parents...right next door to the party...so Dakota got to do one of his most favorite things...ride the skidsteer with Zach!
Playing peek-a-boo with Aunt Ashley at the party. He thought it was pretty funny.
Dakota is still doing really well though and just still working so hard every day. I know every post I say that he is just more alert but he is more and more and I can't really describe how...we just see it in him by his expressions and reactions to things. He totally responds when you ask him questions whether he wants to do something. Smiles if he does...even bigger smiles if he really wants to...a whine if he doesn't. You can ask him to find different people in the room like mom, dad, grammy, poppy, therapists, friends, anyone who he knows and he will look right at them. He totally knows what you are saying and who they are. He is making choices with picture cards and objects. We hold up two pictures of what he wants to play with or do and he will look at the one he wants and smile when you get it. Just so many connections going on in that little brain of his. Even his therapists say he has so much cognition. Physically he is getting stronger still. Starting to initiate rolling more. When we do some of his therapies on his tummy (which he doesn't love) a few times he has rolled right over back to his back and just smiles like your not gonna make me do it now that I rolled right??? He is lifting his head stronger and higher on his tummy and better sitting up. He has a slide that we help him creep down (like an army crawl) and he is starting to do more of the pushing by himself and not requiring so much help. (I need to get a picture of him doing it still) His movements are getting a little more refined. He is starting to reach up higher with his arms and reaching out better to hit things with his arm and push buttons. His dystonia still kind of gets in the way of controlling his movements but his occupational therapist said he is doing more enhanced things and starting to do more on his own after being shown and helped how to do it a few times. His little thinker is sure thinking. He is also doing better and better at his capping trials of his trach (putting a cap over the trach to make him breathe completely on his own). We are up to 40 minutes 2 times a day and it is going more and more smoother as time goes on. I cannot wait for the day we can get that trach out!
Getting to go down the "FUN" way down his slide after doing his hard work therapy.
Swinging in his blanket.
Working with his vision therapist
Loving on Daddy...best therapy of all!
Wearing his cool dude vision glasses watching Buzz! What more could a guy ask for.
My sister Katie came for a short visit while she was down at Woman's Conference and was just amazed at how much better he is doing since she last saw him in February. She said 100% better then last time. It was so good to hear and of course SO good to see her. My best friends from high school came for a weekend visit a couple weekends ago and Abbey who saw him in the hospital in AZ of course was just amazed. She has the most tender heart and just was crying to see him smiling and doing all that he did. Thank you so much Abbey and Katie for coming and being with me! It is always a good time with them. You know you have good friends when you can pick up right where you left off no matter how long it has been since you last saw or talked to them. We are still the same ol dorks we always were. :)
Loving Aunt Katie...She got a BIG smile when she came in the room. Also sporting his Doin in for Dylan bracelet which he loves! I ask him where's your bracelet? And he just smiles and looks at it.
Me, Abbey, and Katie. We joined my other girlfriends for a girls craft night. Always a good time at the craft nights.
They even helped me with therapies while they were here. Abbey is doing his flashlight therapy.
Are nursing ended last week and that has been a little rough on me already. Luckily, Dakota's nights have gotten SO much better. I hate to even write this afraid that I will totally jinx myself but it has been two straight weeks of sleeping through the night. So this is a HUGE blessing. The only crappy thing now is that since I have no nursing I am the one who has to get up EVERY night (except Sunday nights because of my AMAZING sister-in-law Jenny who comes and stays with him so we can sleep...I love you Jen!) to suction and give meds which is usually at least 4 times a night. It's hard to get into a good, deep sleep when you are constantly getting up and trying to go back. It was nice while we had it though so I shouldn't be a complainer. Sleep is overrated anyways...RIGHT?? The little stinker though has decided he doesn't need to go to sleep til like 10:30 or 11 lately. We start around 9 cuddling him to try and get him down but the last week at least instead of going right to sleep he has started looking up and smiling and making these cute little cooing noises that make you laugh and them him laugh. I totally think he knows what he is doing and is just trying to get out of going to sleep. Before the accident he would try and do ANYTHING to get out of bed. It was the perfect time where he would say, "want me to sing my ABC's? Want me to count in spanish? I wanna lay down with daddy"...anything he could do. Now that he can't say those things I think it is his little way of trying to get out of going to bed. Some nights he just whines and fusses so I take the cute smiles any day.
I want to thank ALL of you who have responded to wanting to be a sponsor for our shirts for the race. When my friends brought the idea up I was honestly thinking...who would wanna sponsor us for this little race? Who? Well, I was AMAZED at how many people cared and wanted to help. I am still getting asked if we need more sponsors although we have all we need. So thank you to you generous people out there! You are AMAZING! Thank you to all of you who have decided to come...and if you haven't it isn't too late! ;) The registration closing date is May 14th at 9 p.m. Not sure why but this is the last day you can register. Most races you can register on race day but this one you can't. So if you are planning on going you have until May 14th and that is it! Also, if you haven't already and are planning on coming let me know how many shirts and sizes you need. I just got to see the design and they are super cute! I look forward to seeing all of you and even meeting some of you who I have never met! Dakota does too!
Thanks again to all of you who encourage, inspire, and strengthen me with your comments, thoughts, and prayers! "The best part about miracles is that they happen!"
I'm the wife to a blind man and a mom to a brain injured angel boy! Never imagined either of these in my "story" of life but I have learned to expect the unexpected. My blog is my journal of this crazy adventure called life...the good, the bad, and the ugly. I try my best to live each imperfect day wonderfully! Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I fail!! But I wouldn't trade these trials for the world. They have taught me ALL of the most important things I have EVER learned in life and have made me the person I am today!!
