Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Rough week

It's been a really rough week around the Friedli household. It all  started last Tuesday when  I rolled my ankle really bad running. I knew running was my outlet but I didn't realize how much I really need it until I had to take this whole week off because I ended up spraining my ankle. I didn't realize how much those endorphines or whatever happens to your body when you exercise keep me going and at least somewhat upbeat. I ran again for the first time again tonight and although I still don't feel 100% I feel a little better emotionally.

Along with the lack of running came a lack of sleep. Dakota has been consistantly sleeping through the night now for a couple of months and oh how we appreciate that. He has come such a long way in that department which has helped us drastically. No sleep can really do a number on you physically and emotionally. Well this week did not go so well...why?...who really knows. That's what Zach and I have come to realize with a brain injury...there is really no rhym or reason to ANYTHING and if you try and think of the millions of possibilities of what could be causing this or that, it is useless cuz in the end...no one knows...not even the doctors. So it is frustrating to say the least. Two mornings this last week he decided to wake up at 3:45 and 4 in the morning and one night he decided not to go to bed until 3:30. All of this is on top of all of the medications, essential oils, prayers, andwhatever else you can think of to get and keep this kid asleep. Luckily Zach's sweet parents have come and resued us after these long mornings so we can get some sleep but it doesn't take away the frustration of taking steps backwards.

I have found myself every day this week telling Heavenly Father..."I can't do this anymore!" I want to give up every day but it really isn't possible because this is our life and there is no going back. Oh how much I wish I could go back to November 26th and hold Dakota in my arms all day so that fence could not have fallen on him. I miss that little boy SO much it physically hurts. It's crazy how much you can miss someone that is right in front of you. Don't get me wrong I still love him to pieces but nothing is the same and I miss his hugs, his smiles, his talking, his laughs, his footsteps, his hands holding mine, his hugs, his kisses, his personality, his EVERYTHING! I pray every day that Heavenly Father will help me to see that same boy in him...sometimes I do...and sometimes I feel like I am holding a stranger. I feel like someone kidnapped my little boy and gave me another who looks exactly like him but is completely different.

I have found myself questioning God a lot this week. Asking him why???? Why my little boy? WHy do we have to go through SO much? Why don't we deserve a miracle? Why do you hear of SO many others who go through a trial but it ends miraculously and all is well? We have been through TWO Major things and have had faith and hope for a miracle and still have not recieved it...WHY? Are we not deserving? What does it take? I know this life is a test but why does it feel like it never ends? Where is the light at the end of the tunnel...I cannot see it anywhere. Why do you not hear my prayers? Why??? I feel guilty after questioning God so much because I know he sees the bigger picture and knows what is best but it is hard not to.
I was so grateful for a member in a bishopric in a ward I just happened to attend last Sunday because we slept through ours (it was one of those nights). I was grateful for his humility and honesty as he bore his testimony. His family had been going through a trial and they had prayed and fasted for a result but the exact opposite happened and they were struggling. He admitted questioning God himself this same way. Even his testimony and faith was shaken. He encouraged those who felt this way to pray to know God's will for them and to just do the very best you can with what you have been given. So this is what I have been trying to do. I don't know if I will ever know God's will for us...at least not for a long time...but I am trying to do the best I can with what I have been given. Some days it's not much and others it is more.

I have struggled also because Dakota's birthday is tomorrow. Yes, it should be an exciting and happy time but I am struggling with it. One, because as I try and figure out what to get him and I see all of the things he WOULD have loved but no longer cares for...it hurts. When I think about how to decorate or what cake to make I realize it really doesn't matter because he isn't going to care...he can't even eat his own birthday cake this year. The last two years he has had his very own cake and this year he can't even have a bite. I struggle with him turning another year older because it means that it is more time of his childhood that I am missing what he would have been...what he would have accomplished by now. Every day that passes without my healthy boy is hard.

So...as you can see I am a wreck! I often wonder if the saying is true...God won't give you more then you can handle...because I think I am maxed out and ready for a big fat miracle....or at least right now a normal nights sleep...I'll take whatever I can get at this point!

23 comments:

  1. Hugs to you. I hope some day you get to talk about YOUR miracle. xox

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  2. Tess I love you and I am here for you! My thoughts are prayers are with you.. I often catch myself thinking about you guys! YOU are AMAZING!!

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  3. Tess- hang in there. We love you so much and send our thoughts and prayers to you daily!! I wish there was something we could do to take your pain away. I too hope one day you can talk about your miracle.. i know it will happen!! Love ya. Let us know if you need help with anything....were just a phone call away!!
    PS: way to go with hunters saftey-- can't wiat to watch ya shoot your BIG BUCK!!! :)

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  4. My Sweet friend......I am so sorry! The word sorry sounds so shallow for what I really mean. There really aren't words. We continue to pray for your miracle every single day. I need to come see you...LOVE YOU!!!!

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  5. Tessie oh how I wish I could do something, anything to help out! Seriously I'll go to training or whatever to give you a night off (or at least continuous hours sleep!) or an extra pair of hands to scrub toilets so you can relax sometime. Like Chelsea said sorry just sounds so inadequate for what I want to convey! We love you guys and hope and pray for your miracle to come soon!

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  6. Oh Tessie, I wish I was still living in Utah, I would drive straight to your house and put myself to work so you can take a minute to relax! I always have your family in my prayers and I wish I could squeeze you and sweet Dakota. Love you!

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  7. Tessie- I am a friend of Annie's and read your blog from time to time. After I read your post today, I just felt I needed to write and tell you that YOU are a miracle! Your strength and faith have so often boosted me and others. I cannot imagine going through the trials you have faced - I don't think I could do it. But what you've been able to do really is miraculous. You guys are overcoming the toughest obstacles. Thank you for your example! You guys are always in our prayers!

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  8. I know it's hard to see now, but just think how many lives Dakota has touched. Look at how many people have visited your blog and shared the heartaches with you. Dakota has a very special life and he was created for a purpose. I am sure people are using him everyday around the world as a testimony of faith. He was created in God's perfect image. I know it's hard to understand, but keep your faith, keep believing, and things will get better. He still has his smile and that's the smile that's going to touch lives and bring people to Christ. Hang in there. You and your family are in many prayers.

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  9. Tessie-

    I am so sorry! I have written on here before. It was along time ago when Dakota's accident first happened. I ran Ragnar with you last year. Matt and Sam my husband are cousins. Anyway, I am so so sorry for what you are going through. My daughter had a brain injury at birth. A very very bad one. She had a stroke when I was pregnant with her. Only we didn't know it tell 4 weeks after she was born. The Dr.'s couldn't tell us what was wrong or anything. All they knew is that she had severe brain damage. Even though I didn't live with it for that long I can somewhat relate to your feelings. Many of your words I could hear myself saying. My daughter passed away 6 weeks after birth. The unknown was the hardest for me. They could not tell us anything other than time will tell. I can't imagine what you must be going through. Please know that we are praying for you. We are praying for your miracle!! I wish that things like this never ever happened it is just not fair! Hang in there. You are a great mom and example to many around you!

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  10. Although there really aren't any words I feel can express how truly sorry I feel for all that you have been asked to bear, I hope you know that there are many, even strangers who pray for you. You are so strong and although I know your lot is so difficult, you truly get to serve as Christ did, making you truly Christ-like.
    I found this article and loved it's viewpoint of miracles. I thought I should share with you. http://lds.org/ensign/1995/02/touched-by-his-strength?

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  11. Tessie you are such a trooper. We love you guys so much. I am super sad you can't race this weekend but hope your ankle recovers fast so you can get out running again, it is an amazing venting system! :) Our prayers are with you always!!

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  12. My heart hurts for you guys. I know we all wish you didn't have to hurt. You are amazing.

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  13. Hey Tessie:)
    I can not imagine for one second what you have and are going through. I do know you are just being prepped for huge blessings that are soon to come. I question God at times and I don't even really have reason to. The faith and strength you have shown through all this is unreal. I read your blog often, but don't say much because You probably get sick of hearing the same things over and over again. Every time I read your post, I am truly inspired. Thank you! Hang in there. You have an amazingly cute little buckeroo on your hands. He is sooooo lucky to have you and your husband!

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  14. you and your family are amazing! I pray daily that you will get your miracle. We love you guys! Let us know what we can do to help!

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  15. Tessie, I can't take your pain away. I can't tell you why this happened or what will happen. It doesn't seem fair to me either. But I can tell you that God loves you. I know it must not feel like it but he does. And he loves Dakota. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. I pray that you will have that miracle. What a joyous day that will be. Thank you for keeping us updated on him. We love him. I miss him in our home. I miss hearing him and Tanner giggling and Zach bringing him over for me to change his diapers. We pray for you guys all the time. I am only across the street and yet I always feel confused at what I can do to help. I would love to watch Dakota for you or clean toilets, etc. etc....just let me know what you need cause I don't want to be in the way. We love you guys. Hang in. I pray your miracle is just around the corner.

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  16. I Just happened to stumble upon your blog today and felt like I needed to leave a comment. I just wanted to let you know that I can see, just from reading your blog, that you are an incredible woman, wife and mother. Heavenly Father is very aware of you. He loves you, is there for you, and will never give you a trial that you can't handle. You are doing an amazing job in raising your son, keep your chin up and try not to be so hard on yourself.
    When life gets to be more than you can stand, kneel and thank our Heavenly Father for each new day.

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  17. Hi Tessie, I haven't commented before, but I read your blog often and I am so inspired everytime I do because you are so strong and such an amazing person. I look up to you so much for the strength that you have. I think about you and your little boy often and pray for you guys. I can't imagine what it would be like to be in your shoes, but I have always thought of you as one of the toughest girls I know that can handle anything. Keep hanging in there.
    Love, April Payne

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  18. Hi, I'm Jodi. you don't know me but I am a friend of Ben and Carol Huff. I have been following Dakotas progress for a while now. My heart both breaks and sings for you. I had a stroke about 3 1/2 years ago and although my situation is very different than yours, there are many similarities. I had the trache, lost my swallow, no muscle strength, all kinds of therapies, etc. Sadly, I understand much of the medical stuff you are talking about. I was told a yearish for healing, too. At a year, I was in a wheelchair, had the feeding tube, got pneumonia every 5 seconds, and it seemed like I was plateued. However, I am walking, eating, driving, have not been hospitalized in about 2 years, and I see progress all the time. My PT told me that he has a patient who is still progressing after 8 years. I think the first year is about surviving, and the rest are about healing. Its slow, frustrating, and it sucks! But just keep swimming.

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  19. Oh, how my heart breaks for you. I am humbled to read what you go through and my family and I (complete strangers) pray for the miracle you want and for the miracle of your strength to carry on. I am so sorry that there is nothing I can do the lighten the load that you carry and I am overwhelmed with love for you and your family. I am so sorry.

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  20. I cannot even imagine how hard this has been for you. I feel like I have no right to even try to comfort or help you because I cannot imagine your pain. But as an outside observer, I feel an impression to tell you this. YOU are the miracle. God has strengthened you to a point that seems unattainable to regular women like me. Your strength and diligence is a beacon to those of us struggling in other ways. This is not to say you always have to be the strong one, but you are stronger than you realize. And the other miracle is indeed that your son is still with you. As I have recently watched multiple friends lose their young children, their mourning is penetrating to my soul. They would do ANYTHING to have their child back, even only part of their child. It must be hard for you (and you probably feel guilty sometimes) for yearning for the child you used to have. However, you have lost someone.... just as if he died. The son you used to know is dead. Don't feel guilty when you miss him. Don't question your faith because you ask "Why?" My good friend who recently passed away (Tyler) told me this "Everyone should be allowed to ask the question 'Why' and get a valid response." I agree with him. We have a right to know WHY, and one day you will. Stay strong and know that you truly are a light upon a hill, an example to everyone around you. And you are NOT alone. God loves you, and from the comments here, so do a lot of other people.

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  21. Hi
    My name is Jenna and I came across your site. Your family has had your share of challenges and struggles. I always say that challenges just makes us stronger, they don't make us weaker. I always wonder if I would have been the same person I am now, If I was born healthy. I probablly wouldn't be as caring and as compassionet towards as others, like I am. I know there is alawyas someone worse of then myself. Knowing that I can reach out to others and encourage them, makes me happy. Dakota has taught so many people about life, and he has touched so many lives and will continue to as he grows older. Dakota is an inspiration and he is a hero. I believe things happen for a reason and in Dakota's case it was to teach other's all about courage, determination and life! I was born with a rare life threatening disease, and developmental delays. I also have been diagnosed with 12 other diagnosis, but later in life. I was just told that my legs are now damaged for good from all of my operations and that i need to use a wheel chair and crutches for the rest of my life. I was devestated at first, but now I just look at was I can overcome that obstacle. Anyways your family and Dakota are in my thoughts and prayers. I love it when people sign my guestbook. www.miraclechamp.webs.com

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  22. Just dropping in to tell you I'm thinking about you guys! We pray day and night (and over dinner :)) for Dakota's continued progress! Dakota has taught our 4 children more than I ever could about faith, hope, patience etc, etc. Thank You for sharing his story and helping us grow from your strength.

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  23. Tessie, you don't know me. My son went to Vicki's preschool and my daughter just started there so I've known Vicki for a while and know about your family's story. A mutual friend of Vicki and I pointed me to your blog. I want you to know that our family prays for yours every day. My son, Levi, always prays for 'Vicki's son and grandson' in his prayers. Although our family's struggles are different than yours, we've had our share of challenges also. I can testify to you that the Lord gives us tender mercies even when we think He's forgotten about us. Your attitude and strong will have been very inspiring for me. I,too, have been a caregiver for a sick family member (my husband had cancer) and I know how firsthand the difficulty of being in that position. Keep the FAITH and stay strong and carry on. Your tender mercies and miracles are on the horizon... Much love to you and yours!

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