"MOMENTS"
These are what Zach and I call them. They are hard to describe but I will do my best. Moments are when your heart aches so bad that tears flow out uncontrollably. You can't prepare for them because they come without any warning. They come anywhere, anytime, no matter who is around. They can come while your driving in your car, in the middle of the store, at church, at home, even at the Taylor Swift concert. There is no one thing that sets them off, just a million random things that you are never prepared for. It can be a picture, a memory, a thought, a child, a child standing at a bus stop, a saying that pops into your head, a whole culmination of events that finally hit you like a ton of bricks. If you are around people you can try and hide the tears that are sitting right on the surface but I don't think I ever fool anyone. And as soon as you are alone they come out uncontrollably until you can't cry anymore.
They used to come almost daily, then weekly, and now they aren't as frequent...just random times. Usually Zach and I have them at different times but we can tell when each other are having one and you just say...You having a moment? And that is all you need to do. There is nothing you can say or do to help the other...just let the tears flow. When you are done, in a small way it feels a little better to have let them all out. It's almost as if they were waiting, just sitting there for somethings to tip them off.
Tonight Zach and I both had one at family dinner. I looked at him sitting on the couch in the middle of me trying to keep them in so that everyone around me wouldn't think I was crazy (cuz one minute you are just fine and then BAM...there is no way to explain it or expect anyone to understand how bad it hurts) and I could see in his face...even though the tears weren't coming out that he was having one too. When we got in the car all I asked was...did you have a moment? Then we both just sat in silence crying the whole way home.
I don't write about this for anyone to feel sorry for us...just to explain the feeling because I'm sure there are many others who have there own "moments" just didn't have a label for them. Anyone who has lost someone they love, struggled maybe to have a child, gone through a bad accident or illness with a loved one, or have just gone through a really hard trial I'm sure knows what these are.
I wasn't expecting one today but it came and went. To help me break out of this moment I read a letter that a dear, sweet lady whom I deeply love and adore wrote to me. I won't tell who she is because she is so humble and sweet that I know she would want no recognition but I hope she doesn't mind I share a few of her words that bring a ray of hope and sunshine back when I need it most...
"You will probably never ever realize here on earth, what your journey means to others- but when we stand before God in heaven, I believe Jesus will be by your side and maybe say something like this: "This one is mine, Father God. She is my child." Then He will turn and say, "Well done- my true and faithful servant." And then your dear heart, Dakota, will run and jump into the arms that have held him so gently- and the hands that have so tenderly wiped his tears away- and look into your eyes and you will hear, in the strong voice you know so well, "I love you Mommy." "
I don't know how it will be in the end...but reading those words bring me a little bit of peace, hope, and joy that I know will one day be fully mine if I endure this life here on earth to the best of my complete ability. I know these moments will continue to come...I don't know when the next one will be...but I know even through the tears that there is hope for a brighter future whether in this life or the next...and I can't WAIT for that day when Dakota will run into my arms again and I can hear his most precious voice again!!!
Until then I will keep on keepin on!
This amazing lady also gave me this song with her letter...listened to it A LOT today. Take a listen and really listen to the words...AMAZING and BEAUTIFUL!! (Maybe my healing is coming through these tears???)
Ohhh I love you! Its not always easy to "Think Eternally" but we all must do it to attain that True Peace. Your honesty and sicerity in your writing is BEAUTIFUL.
ReplyDeleteI just want you to know that without experiencing any of the things you mentioned above....I still have THOSE MOMENTS. Almost weekly. (Side note: I had one this past weekend on our CA vacation. We were eating at Joes Crab Shack. I started crying. No reason. Just started to cry.) LOL I can hear you laughing!
Hugs!
I am so amazed how much I can relate to you every time I read your blog. I lost my son last July. I experience those "moment" quite often. Thanks for sharing
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post! We all have moments and some are harder than others! Thanks for sharing yours with us!
ReplyDeleteHi Tessie, I have to confess... Since the first email Gma G sent out telling us all you started a blog I have kept up with what's going on in your amazing little family. It sometimes seems like I'm, well in a whole different world these days but I wanted to tell you that I will always love and think of you guys as family. You are in my thoughts and prayers often... It sure is nice to see pictures of everybody :) all my love
ReplyDelete-Rach
Loved the post Tess! Still, and always so grateful for your amazing example of diligence and patients! You guys are amazing! Love the reminder of keeping an eternal perspective!
ReplyDeleteI just said hello to you tonight at Walmart and I feel so bad I got your name wrong! I hadn't read the blog in a while, so I'm so sorry! Your little family is so cute and a great example to me. Even though we don't know each other, you really made my night! Thank you! -Sara
ReplyDeleteI totally get the "moments", i found your blog a few months ago through my good friend Brandis and I've been reading ever since and going back to the beginning to catch up. I've wanted to comment for awhile but felt so strongly that I needed to on this post.
ReplyDeleteIn 2004, my then 15 month old son, was backed over by a riding lawn mower that my 18 yr old brother was driving. There were 5 adults outside when it happened, it was purely an accident. Many things happened that saved my sweet boys life and he only lost his R foot even though only his head was sticking out. He is now 9 yrs old and is able to do anything and everything with the use of a prosthetic but the emotional scars as well as the physical scar is still there. He has some anxiety and other emotional trials because he has grown up and realized he is different. The first year I cried at least every night if not another time or two during the day. Now the "moments" happen randomly, just like you said.
Your blog has made me cry, made me smile, made me laugh and reminded me that Heavenly Father knows each of us, our individual needs and truly loves us beyond measure. Although Collin is able to function and lead a fairly *normal*{whatever that is} life, I do know and understand your pain and heartbreak. Once you've gone through a tragic accident with your child, it's always there, it never goes away. I can't tell you that it hurts less or gets easier{8 yrs later} but I know how much my Heavenly Father loves my son and that He has something for special instore for our amazing, miracle children and us Parents too.
Thank you for sharing your story, your sweet boy Dakota and for being brutally honest! I know you've helped more hearts than you'll ever realize. Keep on keepn' on because you are amazing and I'm so grateful I found your blog :)
I watched the video of Dakota on his 4th birthday and it made me cry and smile! He is simply amazing. You can see that sweet little spirit in there wanting nothing more than to get up and jump up into your arms and hug and kiss you :')
Hugs and love! You guys have been in our prayers since I found your blog :)