Sunday, August 28, 2016

We are alive and oh so well!!

It feels so wierd to be sitting here writing a post! It has been SOOO many months since I have done it. (Seriously 9!!) I have even had people ask me if I still blog anymore? My answer is YES…but the reality of life has not allowed me to like I desire!! I write so many things in my head in hopes to sit at the computer, to write them down so that the memories, the lessons, the inspiration isn’t lost…but then more time goes and then my mind has been SO flooded with SOOO many things left unwritten that the very thought of sitting down at the computer to write a post is overwhelming. So I just don’t!!

But today is a VERY significant day for me, my family, and our healing that I forced myself to sit here, forget about all that I haven’t written about and just write about today!

Why is today significant? Today Navy…this darling little heaven sent angel of a sister, is the EXACT age Dakota was on the day of his accident.
It may seem wierd that I calculated the exact day but it was so important to me because I feel like EVERY day after today is new. I feel like a first time mom in a way, experiencing things that I never had the chance to see, feel, and live. Time stood still for a LOOONG time after Dakota’s accident. He stayed 2 years, 2 months and 16 days to me…even while his body grew and time went on.
(Family picture taken the month of his accident)

I mourned a lot over those next few years each milestone the kids his age lived and got to experience. I will never forget the day the tears ran down my cheeks as I saw the kindergarten kids that were HIS age standing at the bus stop at the top of our neighborhood. Dakota was still going to school…he even had a REALLY convenient little bus that came right to my driveway so I didn’t have to rush to that bus stop in my pajamas and face all the other mom’s looking my worst…BUT I wanted THAT!! I was even JEALOUS of that chaos!!! I wanted to be normal and watch Dakota interact with those kids, go to the same school with those kids, play sports with those kids, and even become better friends with THOSE moms…but it wasn’t MY reality!!!

Obviously as time has passed I learned to accept MY reality! In fact I LOVE my reality now! Every day Zach or I tell each other how grateful we are for our family, our life!!! I feel blessed beyond measure to have learned all that I have over these difficult years, to know and FEEL what true happiness is, and to have Dakota’s sweetest, sweetest spirit and light in my home. I now feel like he is 8 (as he just had his big birthday this month!!!)
(His DARLING superhero cake made by our sweetest friend Rachel Bitton!!)

(It’s not a party without LOTS of food!!)
(Cousin party crew! I love how Dakota’s eyes are sneakily looking at the camera! Winking smile)

(This was the first birthday that Dakota showed true reaction, expression, and excitement! Each present, each hand written birthday card from his cousins recieved a genuine smile and Dakota thank you!! It melted my heart to think back to all of his past birthdays and how far he has come!! He really is a superhero!)

(The cake didn’t just look good. It tasted good too!!)

(Our “SUPER” family!)

BUT I would be lying if I didn’t say how excited I am to get to know now what it is like to be a “normal” mom. I want to know the answers to all the questions I NEVER got to know for myself…Are the 2’s really THAT terrible?! What is it like to NOT have to change diapers?! Will potty training be hard?! What will be the first sport I put my Navy in?! Will she be good at it or will she hate it?! When will she not let me dress her anymore?! Can I even handle that?! LOL!! Who will be her best friend?! Will she cry on her first day of school?! Will she miss me?! Will she be kind to others?! When she learns to write will she write me love notes?! I wonder who her first crush will be?! How old will she be when she first tells me she hates me?! Will I cry? Where will HER choices in her life take her?!

The unknown is exciting but also scary!! Not knowing the answers to all of those questions and knowing who my little girl will become is a little nerve wracking. Their is a peace in knowing that Dakota is perfect. That he will NEVER make a wrong choice.
(I mean look at that perfect angelic little face!! He can do NO wrong!!)

I thought that him turning 8 and not being able to be baptized (since he has the trach) would be one of the “hard moments” that would bring me to tears…but it didn’t! I found SO much peace in knowing that he was already perfect, that he didn’t NEED baptism like the rest of us because he was unable to make a bad choice!! He gained his eternal reward at the age of 2 years, 2 months, and 16 days!!! THAT is remarkable!!!

It will be hard to let Navy go and be independant and make dicisions that will sometimes bring a lot of pain! I can’t have complete control over her little world like I have with Dakota but I am SOOOO excited to experience life with HER. To hopefully teach her the important things in life that really matter and HOPEFULLY get to watch her go out in the world and remember and apply them in her life!! I pray every day that she will have a good and kind heart! That she will LOVE unconditionally ALL people. That she will care more about others then herself…that she will live a Christ like life!! I don’t know how well I am teaching her but I know with ALL of my heart her precious brother is doing one heck of a job. As I watch their daily interactions I can’t help but melt! Their is no doubt in my mind our loving Heavenly Father hand picked this little girl to come to OUR family, to compliment our home, and be the sister her brother so desperately needed, and the daughter we craved!!!!!

So wish me luck as a first time mom!! I may have an 8 year old BUT I have NO idea how to be a mom to a 2 year, 2 month, and 16 day old child on up!! This is a new and exciting adventure for ALL of us!!!
(I might just need superpowers!!)


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  3. God will give you all the strength that you need Tess, you Just keep the faith. By the way, your little girl is such an angel.

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