Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Facing my fear...THE FENCE

It's hard to describe Dakota's accident to do you explain that "a fence" SOMEHOW...still not sure how...fell on top of my child and didn't allow him to breathe. When you think about this accident it is truly incomprehensible. How could a fence fall so perfectly on top of a little 2 year old that he couldn't breathe and cry out for help. It could have fallen a million different ways and different spots. It didn't even leave a cut, scratch, or mark on him...he just couldn't breathe.

It's hard for me to still wrap my mind around how this could have happened. The most logical explanation was that he tried to climb it and it fell back on him BUT I don't believe that is what happened either. Dakota was one of the most cautious and careful kids. He wasn't daring or crazy or adventurous. He liked to hold your hand when going down the stairs. He would say "I got you" and grab your arm when we held him over the sink to wash his hands. It just wasn't his nature to  do crazy things so climbing that fence just doesn't make sense.

Because of the craziness of how it all happened that turned my perfectly healthy 2 year old into a child with a traumatic brain injury...I know that it was supposed to happen. It was part of our Heavenly Father's plan for him...for us. This knowledge brings me some comfort but I look forward to the day where I can understand it all perfectly. I have a lot of questions for the man upstairs...hope He has time! ;)

We have gone back to my parents several times since the accident and it hasn't bothered me much. They live on 5 acres and we have been out back around where the accident happened a lot to ride horses and play. wasn't until this last trip down there for Thanksgiving that I realized I have NEVER actually looked at that exact spot where I found my sweet boy lying. I don't think consciously I ever realized this or did it on purpose...I just think I wasn't ready...even without ever thinking about it.

Well, one of the days we were there Dakota and I were riding horses with my dad out along the back of their property...and I did it. I looked over at that spot...I felt the need to. When I looked and saw that same fence rail that had fallen on him leaning against the fence I felt a rush of anger come over me. I was a little shocked it was still there. I wasn't mad at my parents I was just mad at that fence! I wanted to go cut it up in little pieces and throw it in a fire. Not that the fire would have done anything to it but I was just plain mad at that stupid fence!! WHY did it have to ruin my life?!

It took me a few minutes to come back to my senses and remember that if it wasn't that fence it would have been something else. It was all part of Heavenly Father's plan and it was going to happen with or without the fence. It could have been anything. (I still hate that fence though)

Many people...especially little kids wonder...what kind of fence fell on him. I think that is the #1 question that little kids ask me when they hear about Dakota. So now you can's just a stupid little fence. Who would have known it had that much power to do such a horrible thing?! Not me!


  1. It must have been so hard to see that fence. My cousin's little boy was killed in a stupid accident on their farm last year - he was 2, and fell from the tractor he was riding with his dad. I know it is so difficult for them to see the place where Liam lost his life day in and day out. My cousin has been so brave since the accident - but she is suffering so much from losing Liam.

  2. This world is full of "things." I thank God that those "things" will pass away and we will have "eternal" life with Jesus Christ! How awesome is that! That damn fence holds NOTHING against the power of God and his plan for our precious Dakota! I love you sweet woman and I need to see your face soon!

  3. Tessie...your thoughts and feelings are so trusting and 'real'! It hurts my heart when I think of what happened to Dakota that day, but I try to think of the 'conversation' he and Heavenly Father must have had, and his willingness to come back and be such a perfect example of love and light to so many!

    Even knowing the fence is only an object, doesn't diminish the fact that it represents the moment that changed your whole world. You are allowed to be angry at the fence...I wouldn't mind giving it a good, swift kick myself :)

    Love you, friend!

  4. I read this beautiful quote today and thought of Zach! "One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes." - President Uchtdorf