Monday, April 1, 2013

It is OFFICIAL...


Well...I haven't been on here in awhile for a lot of reasons...but mostly because of the mix of emotions that have been flooding over me the last couple of weeks. I have been unsure of how to express them. Even Zach has been able to tell that I have been a little uptight. For a girl, I would say I am pretty chill. I don't get super emotional over stuff and keep a pretty even temper. But lately things haven't been so even kill for me...and I know it's because so much has been weighing on my mind and heart and I haven't been able to blog and let it all out. (It really is therapy for me...to write it helps me to release it.) Zach will be happier after this I'm sure...hopefully writing about it will bring me back some peace! ;)

As of March 15th Dakota has been a brain injured child longer then he was my healthy little Dakota. He was 2 years, 3 months, and 16 days old when the accident happened. As of today it has been 2 years, 3 months and 34 days. I know to most of you that probably doesn't really matter...and you are probably thinking why would you keep track of THAT! But to me it has been tough to grasp!

Since Dakota's accident I have dreaded March 15th. When we got out of the hospital I had high hopes that he would be back to his old self before this day would come. I NEVER wanted it to come like this and I dreaded every day that it got closer. I often times would find myself counting the days down to know how much closer it was getting.

As I write the tears are flowing...it is SO hard to express what I am feeling inside. I feel like that now that it has been longer like this, that this is how everyone will remember him. I feel like my Dakota (the boy inside of that brain injured body) is going to be forgotten. I find myself forgetting things and that kills me!! Then when a memory comes back I am SO elated AND sad. Sad that that boy isn't with me anymore and probably never will be again in this life! I hate to sound ungrateful...because I love my brain injured child just as much as my healthy boy! But it doesn't mean that I don't long for my healthy boy. As I tucked Dakota in bed tonight and laid next to him...his angelic eyes and sweet smile melted my heart. There are SOOO many things I love about Dakota now that I never would have loved and appreciated had he not had a brain injury...but I long so deeply to hear his little words come out of his mouth again. To just hear the word "MOM" again would heal my broken heart. I miss it SO much!

As this Easter season approached I was so mixed with turmoil between gratitude and sorrow. My heart hurts so deeply that the little boy I once knew is gone but I have felt SO much gratitude for my Savior and my knowledge that this life is not the end. That because my Savior lived and died for me and was resurrected...I will get to see my perfect healthy boy again!

I know that this life is so short compared to the whole scheme of things but when your in the midst of it all...it is hard to comprehend. I AM SO grateful for my Savior and for the power the atonement has to heal my broken heart and to help me overcome the sorrow that has surrounded me the last couple of weeks...heck the last several years!! It is a daily struggle! I said it before in a blog post...I really don't think that "time heals"...it just helps. It is ONLY through our Savior that we can be healed. I'm not totally there yet OBVIOUSLY...but I am working every day to get there.

My cute little 17 year old friend Jessica whom I adore and let's me feel like a teenager again when I am with her ;) sent me this quote tonight as I sat here in tears (she must have been in tune to know I was in need)..."The greatest test of faith is when you don't get what you want, but still you are able to say THANK YOU LORD."
I most definitely didn't get what I wanted in life in many ways...but I am here tonight to say THANK YOU to my Heavenly Father for blessing me with many things...but mostly for the gift of having Dakota still here with me!
I love him deeply even though I miss him.





22 comments:

  1. I have followed your blog for some time now but don't think I have ever commented. Your story pulls at my heart strings every time I read it... I can't even imagine being in your shoes. You completely inspire me to be a better wife and mother. Your ability to share your story has strengthened mine. I pray for you and sweet Dakota often and know that God does not give us more than we can handle in life. I think he knew that you would be the perfect mother for Dakota.

    Jill
    P.S. Have you ever read Out of My Mind. It's a young adult book, with a great message. Although the situation is not exactly similar to yours I couldn't help but think of your sweet Dakota as I read it.

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    1. Oh Jill...THANK YOU for your sweet comment and thoughts!! I would like to think I was hand picked to be Dakota's mom since he is such a special little angel BUT I am pretty sure there are many other mothers out there that could do a much better job. Luckily Dakota is patient with me. Sometimes I even wonder...maybe God gave me Dakota because he knew he was already perfect and I couldn't screw him up! ;) Either way I am grateful he is mine! ;)
      Thank you SO much for the book suggestion! I love to read books of that sort and will most definitely read it!!
      Thank you for your love and support to our family...even though you don't even know us (physically;) )

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  2. Oh, sweet Tessie. You have been on my mind so much for a few days. I'm sorry I didn't listen! Lately I have been pondering (and slowly learning) about my strength as a woman--a wife and mother, really. It is SO HARD some days! I am realizing just how big--how far-reaching--the Atonement is. Sometimes I forget that it isn't just about forgiveness, but every kind of experience and emotion. Thank you for the reminder! He lives! I think it's the only thing that saves me some days.
    I have a favorite quotation I wanted to share with you. One of my Institute teachers shared it with me and it changed me and really gave me hope when I was low.
    "In the gospel of Jesus Christ you have help from both sides of the veil, and you must never forget that. When disappointment and discouragement strike—and they will—you remember and never forget that if our eyes could be opened we would see horses and chariots of fire as far as the eye can see riding at reckless speed to come to our protection. They will always be there, these armies of heaven, in defense of Abraham's seed."
    -Jeffrey R. Holland

    XOXO!

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    1. Sarahn...you are AMAZING! Thanks for your sweet and encouraging words! I LOVE this quote and I do know that it is true!! Sometimes I wonder where my help is but I realized I haven't opened the door! Thank you for reminding me of this and for being such a great support to me here on this side of the veil! You are a doll and a great example to me in many ways!!
      Love ya!

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  3. I love you! I am so sorry for this huge trial you have to endure. You handle it with so much grace. I learn so much from you and love that sweet boy so much!! Thank you for being so brave to share your feelings with all of us. Big BIG hugs to you!!!

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    1. Aw Chelsea...I LOVE YOU! Thanks for stickin by my side through my highs and lows! You are such a treasured and valuable friend to me...you are my adopted Utah sister! ;) I can always go to you for advice about pretty much anything! You are the best! Thanks for helping me endure and loving and supporting me and my family! Love you tons!!!!

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  4. Oh Tessie I wish I was there to give you a big ol hug! I am continually amazed by your strength and unwavering testimony. I think you are an awesome wife/mother/person. You are an inspiration to many. We are rooting for your family! Love and miss you guys!

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    1. Callie...THANK YOU!! I totally miss you and would love a big ol hug from your cute little self!! Stop by sometime or let's get together soon! Thanks for always checking in on us and cheering us on! You are the best!!

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  5. Oh Tessie, you share such heartfelt feelings of gratitude for the opportunity to continue to raise Dakota here on earth, as well as the very real grief you feel from the loss of that sweet, 2-year-old Dakota...before his accident. I read this scripture and wanted to share because it made me think of Dakota!

    Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a
    good work in you will perform it until the day of Christ Jesus:
    --Philippians 1:6

    God began a "good work" when He created your most precious, little Dakota!
    He reveals Himself through Dakota's spirit, minute by minute, hour by hour, each and every day...
    He continues to perform and perfect His good work through this most valiant of spirits.
    Of course, the mother to such a perfect, little soul quite often requires superhuman strength and more trust in our Heavenly Father's plan than most of us have in our little finger...you are truly inspiring and never cease to amaze me!

    Love you!! {{hugs}}

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    1. Oh Jenell...you always know how to pick me up when I am down!! I sure love your sweet, inspiring, and encouraging words! You are always reminding me of what a precious boy I have! Thanks for your continual love and support! Sure love you and wish you were closer!!!

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  6. Ah Tessi! You are amazing! I love your blogs, your passion, your realism, your emotion, and your unconditional love! YOU ARE AMAZING!!

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    1. Heather THANK YOU!! I often wonder if people thing I'm just a crazy mom putting my emotions out there like that for the world to see...so thanks for appreciating it and thinking I am amazing despite my craziness!! I might just have you fooled though! ;)

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  7. I am so glad that you share your true feelings, because it has helped me so much. I know it is hard but I appreciate it. I remember just being so mad one day in the hospital at God that he would let something like that happen to my little boy and that he didn't understand how hard it was for me to watch my son suffer. Then I got a overwhelming feeling that he had to watch his son suffer to and he knows what I was feeling. I think back about that often on the bad days. I know our situations are totally different but I understand a little of what you are going through. It is hard to see you son suffer but just know God understands to and just tell him what your feeling whether it be good of bad. Dakota has the best mom in the world and he is so amazing. Love you!

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    1. Kali...thank YOU!! You are AMAZING! You have helped me so much too! SO grateful our paths have crossed!! Thanks for being willing to share your honest and true feelings with me as well! It helps to know someone else out there understands!!

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  8. I love you Sister! You are such a strong woman of Faith! Thank you for being so transparent and for being YOU!
    “If you allow it, [suffering] can be the means by which God brings you His greatest blessings.”
    ― Charles R. Swindoll
    Thank you for bringing that sweet Blessing to this earth so that we may all see a REAL angel.

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  9. Emmi...I love YOU sister!! Thank you for sharing that amazing quote...it is SO true. I know that I have gained so much personally & spiritually through my suffering but sometimes I let it get the best of me! Thanks for loving and supporting me through this crazy journey of life! You are a treasured friend! Thanks for loving Dakota and seeing the REAL angel that he is!!

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  10. Tessie - I love reading your blog and feeling your amazing testimony. You are so strong and such an example to everyone you meet.

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    1. Thanks so much Shawnee!! Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment and share this!! Means so much! Hope you are doing well!!

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  12. Tessie - I found your blog through Ashley Sullenger's.

    This just absolutely breaks my heart. My barely 3-year-old son had to have sedation for some dental work last month. As I watched the medication take effect his eyes glossed over and his head slumped down, I just bawled. I hope you don't think this is weird, because I don't know you, but I couldn't help but think of you. After the procedure, as he started to wake up, and then for several days after, I thought of you many times and cried and cried for you.

    As a mom my heart aches for you. That your baby will not "wake up" from his injury like mine woke up as his sedation wore off. You are so strong, and the Savior must really trust you to give you the responsibility of one of His special spirits. In your darkest times I KNOW that is no consolation, but He has told us "be of good cheer, I have overcome the world."

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    1. Geraff...words can't express how sweet and sincere this comment was to me! For you to take the time to even think about me and my situation as you experienced that moment with your son means a lot!! I wish so bad it was sedation medicine and would wear off but that's ok...I just have to look deeper for those special moments that give me a glimpse of the little boy I once knew that is still inside (like the one I just blogged about tonight). Thank you for reminding me of that simple but profound quote!! It means so much!!

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  13. Tessie,

    I just love reading your blog. You are truly amazing. I loved hearing about Dakota and the picture. You bless my life and so many others with your faith and courage. I am so happy to hear that you are safe and so sorry to hear about those involved in the Boston marathon. How sad for the world. I hope the yard sale goes well. Life is full of rain and sunshine. Thank heavens for the rainbows that come with the rain.

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