Sunday, September 9, 2012

I'm just plain TIRED...

Yesterday was one of those crazy non stop days and in the middle of the day I sat down for a minute and complete exhaustion hit me like a brick from head to toe...inside and out. Not just the tired like a need a nap...I ALWAYS feel that tired...it was like an overwhelming exhaustion emotionally and physically. It's hard to explain but it hit me hard.

Later that day as we were driving in the car...things weren't going to well...Dakota was crying ...Zach was getting frustrated and angry...and I was just tired of driving and being in the car and listening to both of them. The tears silently and slowly fell down my face and the exhaustion of it all...of life...of reality...hit me again.

I wanted to just go to sleep for a LONG time and wake up and have everything back the way it was...before Dakota's accident...before Zach went blind...just a NORMAL life! Nothing fancy just a normal life that everyone around us lives.

I LOVE hearing and being around my friends and sisters as they talk about their kids and lives because even hearing about how their kids were excited or scared for school...about the friends they made or lost...or how they were so naughty or great today...or EVEN how their husband took their kids somewhere or ran an errand for them...or whatever a normal persons life is filled with...I LOVE it and crave it because I don't have any idea what that's like anymore. I don't really know how Dakota felt about going back to his first day of school. I can guess but I don't really know! Was he scared?? Was he shy?? Did he like his teacher??? I don't know!!

The hard part about it is the more I thought about it, the more I realized that is probably never gonna happen for me. This is my life and it's not just a hard childhood stage that Dakota will grow out of. It's not just a hard job for Zach that one day he will get a promotion and life will be great. Dakota will most likely never be the boy I once knew and Zach may never get the chance to see again...in this life!

Yes...I look WAY more forward to the next life then tomorrow...because I'm only 28 years old and I'm already exhausted from this life...and there is a lot more life to endure before I get to see my boy run again or watch Zach drive his truck again.

So for now...I will just lean on my Saviour and hopefully He will start to carry a little more of this weight for me because it is feeling a little bit heavy right now and I'm ready for a dang break!

12 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry that the trials you're faced with are so difficult. I can't even imagine how hard it must be. You deserve to have a meltdown here and there because you're always so positive and that must be exhausting. You are doing great and you obviously have a LOT of faith and strength because only the strongest people face such difficult trials. I needed to read this to remind myself that as difficult as life can be, it's even more difficult for someone else. Aaron and I care about you guys and think about you and your family often. I know that you don't really know me but I sincerely care. I hope that the exhaustion lets up a little bit for you! Keep up the good work! :)

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  2. How is it possible for someone to be so tired but look so beautiufl, poised and put together every time they are seen???!!! You always have a smile when I see you and it warms my soul. Remember, you are right where God wants you darlin, you NEED him and thats what he desires most from his people. Looooove you my sweet Soul Sista!

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  3. I just can't imagine what the Lord has in store for the three of you! It must be something absolutely amazing and unimaginable but in the meantime my heart aches for you. I know that doesn't change how exhausting physically and emotionally this all is but I pray the Saviour will lighten your load and give you some relief at this time... and always. If there is anything I can do or you just need a good run, please let me know. I can run by your side and just shut my mouth for once (instead of my nonsense blabbering). I love any time I can spend with you.

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  4. Tessie...I have thought about you all week! I am so sorry I didn't 'act' on those thoughts, and check in on you sooner. You do such a great job at staying positive and trying to focus on the things you are grateful, but the weight of what you have to be able to do every. single. day. would cause even the strongest to grow weary from time to time... they never showed it, but I am sure even Super Woman had her 'curl-up-in-the-fetal-position-moments'! :)
    I only wish I could be there for you, more! Sending my love and prayers, sweet friend!

    "Righteous sorrow and suffering carves cavities in the soul that will later become, reservoirs of joy".
    Neal A. Maxwell

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  5. I came across your blog through a friend. I just wanted to tell you how much of a HUGE example of strength you are. I cannot even imagine seeing my little boy run one day and completely change the next. Or having a husband who can see and then the next day, that completely changes. I can see how you would feel exhausted. I'm sure people tell you that Heavenly Father does not give trials to you that he doesn't think you cannot handle. But it is so true. You are obviously one strong sister. Keep your head up and keep going forward! You seem like an amazing mother and wife. When life gets too hard to stand, kneel. <3 --- Love, Another Sister.

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  6. I love you, and you deserve a break. Hand in there sweet friend...

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  7. You don't know me but I have commented before. I just want to say thank you for being such an inspiration to me! Stories like your keep me going. Heavenly Father must know how strong you are to allow these challenges in your life. Just think, if life were a classroom setting and we were tested on our spirituality, you would be grades ahead of all of us. You are amazing. Also, every time I look at your blog the first think I think to myself is, "How sad that Zach can't see her because she is one of the most beautiful woman I have ever seen." I am sure he must know how beautiful you are just by being around you though. So just know, you are an angel and were truely sent to this life to be an inspiration to others. Thank you for sharing your blog.

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  8. I feel ya, Tessie. I so feel ya. Hopefully you get some good rest soon that will give you the strength you need to get back at it. And maybe a pedi/mani. It helps. Take care of yourself.

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  9. Its okay to be tired of being tired. God gave you free will to wonder. And to process and to have emotions. And you still love Him. You are a good person. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with the rest of us on your blog. You help me appreciate my life. And you help me strive to be better. God Bless you and I hope you get a little rest.

    : )

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  10. Keepin you all in my prayers, everyday!

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  11. you dont know me but I have commented before. Just wanted to say thanks for always being so honest. Every person that reads your blog understands. Not what YOU are going through, but that we ALL have trials and we know how you feel. some days just suck! And then you remember how lucky you really are that you still have your sweet baby and husband. It still is hard, and ok to have a hard day and cry, but then to realize how lucky we all really are. Hang in there, i think about your story often. You are amazing. We just have to all endure our trials the best that we can and know in the end it will be worth it.

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